4.13.2009

Evening


[it is NOW or thereabouts]
Vanessa Redgrave: Harris... Harris...I am in a fever state because I am old and sick and all I can do is repeat your name... we killed Buddy... we killed him...
Toni Collette and Natasha Richardson: Mom, who's Harris? And you killed someone? What? Well, since you're delirious, we'll take this opportunity to establish our personalities as the older, responsible sister, who has kids and is married, and the younger one, who is single with no kids. There. Done.
[FLASHBACK TIME]
Claire Danes: Ah, to be Vanessa Redgrave as a young woman! I am so fresh-faced and pretty! But bohemian, because I live in the West Village! Check out my peasant skirt!
Hugh Dancy: Hello, sister's best friend who I am also friends with! Let us go to my parents' sumptuous house for my sister's wedding! But guess what: she should totally not be marrying this dude.
Claire Danes: Huh? Whatever do you mean?
Hugh Dancy: Instead, she should marry the son of our old housekeeper, who is now a doctor and also totally hot.
Patrick Wilson: Yes, I am a hot doctor. Let's ride on a boat.
Claire Danes: Wow, he really is hot. I better put on this totally awesome dress for the rehearsal dinner.
Meryl Streep's Daughter: I'm getting married! I'm excited! No, wait, I'm scared! No, wait, I want to marry Patrick Wilson! No, wait, it's all good! Ha ha ha! I'm getting married! Gah!
Glenn Close: All I care about is the seating chart! Ho ho ho!!
[meanwhile, back in the PRESENT]
Irish Nurse: Let me get you some water to make your dying more comfortable.
Vanessa Redgrave: Thank you. I like your white sparkly evening gown, even though it is one of my fever dreams.
[she TOSSES ABOUT and is OLD]
Claire Danes: Time for the wedding!
Meryl Streep's Daughter: I can't do it! Wait, I can, because I asked the hot doctor to be with me and he said no. Oh well. I just hope some people in my bridal party get married.
[Claire Danes' ESCORT looks at her MEANINGFULLY so you KNOW that he is her FUTURE HUSBAND]
Claire Danes: He said no, eh? Well that leaves him open for me.
Patrick Wilson: Yes, it does.
[she SINGS and he comes up on STAGE and they DANCE and it is ROMANTIC]
Hugh Dancy: I'm drunk! Always! And I say things people don't want to hear, like that my sister shoulda married the hot doctor!
Claire Danes: Let's go outside.
[they DO, and while they are OUT THERE, he KISSES the hot doctor]
Patrick Wilson: Uh.
Claire Danes: Uh.
Everyone else: We're jumping off a cliff! Come on! It's fun!
Hugh Dancy: I'll jump! I'm gonna jump, and I'm drunk! I saved this note you gave me in college for four years, Claire Danes. FOUR YEARS. Because I'm in love with you. I'M NOT GAY.
[he JUMPS and you're like SHIT HE DIED but then he DOESN'T DIE]
Claire Danes: Stop being in love with me! Stop carrying around that stupid note! Stop naming stars for me!
[she RUNS into the FOREST with Patrick Wilson and they BONE in a SHACK and he names a STAR for her, which is apparently FINE since she LIKES him]
Hugh Dancy: Come baaaaaaaaaack!! I love both of you!! Threeeee wayyyyyy?!?!
[he gets HIT by a CAR and this time he REALLY DOES DIE]
Glenn Close: WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! MY SON IS DEAAAAAAD!!! ACTINGGGGGG!! I am only in two scenes, so I have to make them count!! I love my dead, gay son.
[back in NOW]
Toni Collette: I'm pregnant. How's THAT for another layer of complexness?
[back in the PAST]
Claire Danes: Well, bye.
Patrick Wilson: Bye.
Vanessa Redgrave: I thought there would be so many chances...so many chances...
Slightly Older Claire Danes: So...you're married now. And so am I. This chance meeting on the street is all we will have.
Slightly Older Patrick Wilson: I still know which stars are ours.*
[they BID a CHASTE goodbye and it is HEARTBREAKING]
Natasha Richardson: I'm still not entirely sure what Mom is talking about.
Meryl Streep: Perhaps I can explain. I'm your mother's friend from a long time ago, the one who got married.
Vanessa Redgrave: Lila! Lila! Now I can die.
Toni Collette: I'm going to have a baby.
Vanessa Redgrave: Okay, now I can die for reals. Peace out.
[she DIES and it's SAD but it's OKAY]

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

threeeeeee wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy