6.02.2011

Guest Post: Reality Bites


Oh hey guys! This blog still exists! Frequent guest poster and keeper-of-the-flame Laura McClain wrote something so we don't look like total slackers! Thank god. She notes, however:

I should add the disclaimer that I loved this movie in college, and I still kind of like it now, even though it is the predecessor to "Rent", by which I mean one cannot watch it as an adult without having minor rage-strokes. You know you're an adult when you scream "get a fucking job, you hippies!" about 30 times in the viewing of one movie. I weep for my youth.

Anna again. I just noticed that this poster is so 90s. "buzz words." "channel surfing." Amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the EARLY 90s like WHOA]
Winona Ryder: Fellow graduates! How can we repair the damage that's been done to us by commercial culture? Heed my hipster call to action!
[the CORE group of friends PARTY on a ROOF, documentary-style. A CLOVERFIELD MONSTER does not ATTACK them]
Steve Zahn: Graduation, woo!
Janeane Garafolo: Conjunction junction what's your function?
[she SLEEPS with SOME dude in her 70s-THEMED bedroom and ADDS him to her EFF LIST]
Ethan Hawke: I'm coming to crash on your couch without asking and with no intention of ever paying rent, ever.
Winona Ryder: He will turn this house into a den of slack.*
Ethan Hawke: HOW DARE YOU. I am ABOVE getting a fucking JOB and you should know that!
[he FONDLES his GREASY hair and SMOKES some WEED]
Janeane Garafolo: I'm a manager at the GAP now! Look at me sell these easy-fits! It's liberating, isn't it?*
[she and Winona DRIVE and SING and CAUSE a CAR ACCIDENT with YUPPIE Ben Stiller]
Winona Ryder: Don't sue me, please! I'm poor and have an adorable haircut!
Ben Stiller: I am taken with your youthful idealism.
[he TAKES her on a DATE and Ethan Hawke MOCKS him though he has NO LEG to STAND on, EVER]
Winona Ryder: Hey boss, can I feature my sensitive hipster documentary on your chipper morning show aimed at the elderly? Now THAT'S understanding your target audience!
John Mahoney: Just give me my fucking cup of coffee.
[she TRICKS him into SAYING he likes VERY YOUNG GIRLS on-air and is FIRED]
Winona Ryder: No biggie! I was valedictorian, I can get another job! We're not even in a recession (yet).
[she TRIES and FAILS]
Swoozie Kurtz: Honey, just get a job at the Burger-Matic!
Winona Ryder: Noooooooo! Unexpected David Spade cameo!
[there are NUMEROUS references to SELLING OUT though NOBODY seems to KNOW what that MEANS]
Janeane Garafolo: Can you maybe pay some rent? And stop calling psychics on 800 numbers? (90s!)
Winona Ryder: FINE. I'll just use the gas card my dad is paying for to get some cash. Integrity?
Janeane Garafolo: I'm scared that I have AIDS and my funeral will be like a scene out of "Melrose Place."
Winona Ryder: "Melrose Place" is a REALLY good show.*
[they LAUGH because of FRIENDSHIP]
Ben Stiller: I sold your documentary to my aggressively hip MTV-style TV channel!
Winona Ryder: Hooray!
Ethan Hawke: NOOOOOO! SELLOUTS!!!!
Steve Zahn: Time to come out to my parents. I am still in this movie.
[he and Janeane REHEARSE his COMING OUT and it RULES]
Steve Zahn: Got kicked out of my house. Not super fun in real life.
Ben Stiller: Time for the documentary premiere!
Winona: I bought a new babydoll dress!
Ethan Hawke: You look like a doily.*
Winona Ryder: I should really hate you so, so much, but I don't?
[they GO to SEE the MOVIE and its INTEGRITY has been DESTROYED by a PIZZA GRAPHIC]
Winona Ryder: MY IDEALISM!!!
Ethan Hawke: Time to swoop in for the kill. I love you. [he GIVES PUPPY DOG EYES]
[they DO IT and his HAIR is SO GREASY, I can't EVEN HANDLE it, YOU GUYS]
Winona Ryder: That was so great. Everything is perfect now!
Ethan Hawke: [HIPSTER FREAKOUT]
Ben Stiller: I'm so sorry that I didn't protect the integrity of your stupid movie. Let's go to New York and fix this. I literally could not be a better boyfriend.
Ethan Hawke: Hey, bitch. Sorry I bailed this morning, but not really. I'm probably going to be mean to you, always. And possibly set your house on fire. Peace out.
[he DEDICATES a RUDE and OBSCENE song to HER, because he is PREDICTABLY in a TERRIBLE BAND]
Winona Ryder: WHOM SHALL I CHOOSE???
[she PINES in MONTAGE FORM and MISTAKES several GREASE MONKEYS for Ethan, whilst SMOKING all the CIGARETTES]
Winona Ryder: I must go to him!
Ethan Hawke: Hey, I'm back. My dad died. I guess this is supposed to excuse my behavior? Maybe? I love you, I guess. Whatever.
[he CRIES and it is DISGUSTING]
Winona Ryder: I have totally made the right decision.
[they MOVE OUT of the APARTMENT, presumably because they can no longer AFFORD it]
Me: [Throws LAPTOP across ROOM]

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

hahahahahahahaha

I remember watching this movie in high school, but I cannot for the life of me remember if I wanted her to end up with Ben Stiller or Ethan Hawke. I AM PRETTY SURE BEN STILLER because I sort of love him. But also probably not because: idealism.