So both Laura and I have both been writing these for a few years now, and sometimes we even accidentally write one for the same movie, but we have never truly collaborated. We decided to remedy that by simultaneously enjoying a current offering on Netflix Instant watch and chatting while we did so.
The transcript below is edited for clarity, obviously, and also for "time," since there was a lot of shit that wasn't really necessary, but it's still really. Fucking. Long. So just be forewarned. You could also take the approach of watching this fine cinematic venture yourself (since it's on Instant Watch) and having us "there" with you, in a totally non-creepy way. Whatever you like.
In any event, this is an experiment, so any feedback you have about how this is formatted is appreciated, or if there are points of confusion you need clarified, please let us know.
AND NOW: THE LAST SONG.
[it is a FIRE]
Anna: metaphorical fire, i bet
[Miley Cyrus GLARES out the CAR WINDOW as the car goes over a BRIDGE to a NEW LIFE]
man, she's got a mug on her
Anna: driving away from her old life?
Laura: burned church = exposition
WHO BURNED THE CHURCH???
Anna: she got ARRESTED
[they pull up to her DAD’S luxurious BEACH PAD]
Laura: kinnear looking pensive
the deadbeat dads in these movies always have sweet spreads
Anna: oh, kinnear
best dad ever
mom's so mean
Laura: she's probably just harried
[her dad tries to GREET her but she SULKS away]
no hugs for you, dad!
Anna: SHUT UP DAD
[Miley goes to the BEACH but GLARES at everyone]
Anna: you can tell she's a rebel
from her combat boots
Laura: on the sand
Anna: "yeah, i'm wearing black"
"ON THE BEACH"
[Miley gets a MILKSHAKE because they are DELICIOUS]
Laura: meet cute?
Anna: i hope that milkshake
[the milkshake SPILLS all over HER and a “HOT” DUDE]
Anna: i was going to say that milkshake BETTER spill
Laura: maybe she shouldn't have been walking across a volleyball court
[the DUDE offers to buy her a NEW SHIRT]
Laura: this would not be happening
Anna: "let me buy you another shirt"???
"i'm awesome at volleyball"
"check mah pecs"
so surly, miles
Laura: so much pain beneath those eyes
[she goes HOME and GLARES at her DAD and a PIANO]
Anna: metaphorical piano
Laura: BROKEN PIANO
[her dad mentions LISZT and how Miley got into JUILLIARD]
i bet you a thousand dollars miley can't pronounce liszt
SHE GOT INTO JUILLIARD
Laura: of course
these things always happen
[her dad APOLOGIZES for his DIVORCE]
Anna: mom and dad's divorce has RUINT her
Laura: maybe you should not have named her "ronnie"
[her DAD and BROTHER work on a STAINED-GLASS WINDOW together]
Anna: metaphorical stained glass window
Laura: gay little brother
[Miley goes to the BEACH again and finds another ANGRY TEEN]
Anna: oh good, a surly friend
Laura: the surlys can always spot each other
[her “FRIEND” tries to STEAL a shirt but Miley STOPS her because she’s got a RECORD]
Laura: someone's using a five finger discount
Anna: miley has morals
Laura: i'm trying to turn my life around!
Anna: what kind of teenage girl just like goes to a beach fair
and finds a surly friend
Laura: ooooooh rebel boyfriend of the surly friend
Anna: "marcus is so into me"
[they LITERALLY juggle FIRE]
Laura: juggling fire
Anna: FIRE JUGGLING
Laura: just a normal thing
Anna: just a thing people do
on the beach
Laura: gee i wonder how that church burned down
Anna: it's really a mystery
Laura: leather vest no shirt on that rebel boyfriend
Anna: just a thing people wear
[meanwhile, back at DAD’S PAD]
Laura: man time with dad and little bro
enjoy your glass of chardonnay, kinnear
Anna: with an empty plate for Miley
“mom says that Miley has PMS”
SURE SHE DOES, LITTLE BRO
Laura: “it means Pissed at Men Syndrome”*
[back on the BEACH in the MIDDLE of the NIGHT]
Laura: blonde skank! look out, miley!
Anna: uh-oh, the hot guy has a hot blonde lady
blondes are so evil
Laura: everyone is blonde
[the “HOT” DUDE approaches Miley]
he saw those horseteeth from afar
Anna: "i saw the moon reflecting on your teeth"
Laura: he totally is
that was really homoerotic with the bff
[the REBEL BOYFRIEND tries to START SHIT]
Anna: uh oh, hot topic vs. abercrombie
Laura: that age old battle
Anna: he looks like a dirty jonas brother, that rebel boyfriend
Laura: he shall now be "dirty jonas"
Miley is the weakest "rebel" ever
no stealin', no drankin'
Anna: don't drink, don't smoke...what DO you do?
[Dirty Jonas tries to get UP ON HER but she is REPULSED but her friend is still MAD because obviously it’s MILEY’S FAULT for being so HOT]
Anna: hey there, dirty jonas
back it up
Laura: everyone is so warm for miley's form
[Miley goes HOME to the STRAINS of a CONCERTO]
Anna: i hear piano
[Miley looks like she is in PHYSICAL PAIN whilst LISTENING]
FEEL THE MUSIC
Laura: piano music always hurts her heart
Anna: it stabs her
Laura: ohhhhh, dad’s a composer
Anna: dad's a stained glass artisan AND a composer?
Anna: hubba hubba!
Laura: does she have a retainer in?
she can't speak
Anna: it's her teeth
they're taking up too much space
Anna: the music is haunting her
she looks like amanda bynes got hit by a shovel
Laura: i mean, that is a MUG
julliard ain't good enough for her and her face
[it is the NEXT MORNING]
Laura: lighthouse imagery
nice house, composer/stained glass dude
Anna: "it's a new day"*
never literally say that, dad
Laura: miley hulks across the beach
[a RACCOON tries to EAT the TURTLE EGGS because HELLO it’s an ANIMAL that needs to EAT]
Laura: random elderly woman!
Anna: rabid raccoon
Laura: NOT THE TURTLE EGGS
Anna: "i have to save the turtles!"
[Miley builds a FORT for the TURTLE EGGS]
Anna: is that a shopping cart??
oh, i get it...it's a turtle fort
[her DAD tells her to CALL the AQUARIUM]
Laura: keep having easy access to the aquarium's phone number
Anna: dad keeps it on the fridge in case there's a turtlemergency
Laura: report the sea turtle eggs!
Anna: "she cares about a thing" thinks dad
[Miley asks when he went to NICE GUY SCHOOL]
Laura: nice guy school
Anna: NICE GUY SCHOOL
[the LITTLE BROTHER tells Kinnear he needs SMILE LESSONS]
Laura: learn to smile again, kinnear
Anna: with your gay son
[Miley goes into TOWN and peruses a BOOK on TURTLES]
Anna: "i love turtles now"
"i better get this book"
Laura: why does she dig turtles SO MUCH
[she sees the “HOT” DUDE and he is DIRTY]
Anna: oh, he's a grease monkey
Laura: working class?
look how happy those extras are
Anna: rolf is not into this cross-class meet cute
[Rolf INSINUATES that he KNOWS Kinnear SOMEHOW]
Laura: how does he know the dad???? MYSTERYYYY
[Miley RETURNS to the BEACH to PROTECT her fucking TURTLE EGGS]
Anna: ok seriously
raccoons will bite you
Laura: keep sleeping outside to protect your turtles
[a raccoon LITERALLY attacks her]
Anna: raccoon attaaaaaaaack
Laura: raccoon ATTACK!
[it is the MORNING and the “HOT” DUDE surprises her on the BEACH]
Anna: where the fuck did he come from
Laura: it's his job!
he’s wearing an aquarium polo!
HE WORKS FOR THE AQUARIUM
Laura: even better…he’s a VOLUNTEER!
Anna: ron ron is pissed that he’s late
"i called YESTERDAY"
"this was a turtlemergency"
Laura: she is SO surly
but not in like a cute way
in like a gross awkward brat way
hulk hulk hulk away
[Miley goes to the STORE and gets FRAMED for SHOPLIFTING]
Anna: oh shit
poor man’s kstew is not your friend
she is setting you up!
the friend’s got a mug on her too
keep casting ugly girls to make miles look better
[the STORE OWNER checks her PURSE because of the ALARM]
nobody has ever done that ever
they just let you walk right through when you set off alarms
Anna: no white person has ever been detained for shoplifting
Laura: she just looks so REBELLIOUS
[she goes HOME and is CONFRONTED by her DAD]
Anna: the classical guitar is really evocative
"i'm your hot dad, i'll sort this out"
Laura: his store owner friend will take care of it
he's got the hookup
[Miley returns to the BEACH to take care of her TURTLES again]
nights in sea turtles
[the DUDE shows up to HANG OUT]
of COURSE hot dude is there
Laura: this guy is seriously the worst
Anna: because i know when someone is clearly not interested in me i just find them
on the beach
in the night
[Miley is READING a LARGE NOVEL]
Anna: keep quoting Tolstoy, dude
Laura: in russian
Anna: "you speak russian, huh? sexy"
Laura: this guy is the gayest ever
he makes me long for the rugged masculinity of zac efron
[he tells Miley her HAIR looks TERRIBLE]
Anna: he fancies himself a PUA
he's using the neg method
Laura: point gay guy
Anna: oh no, he’s engaged to be married!!
Laura: sparks LOVES a teen engagement
Anna: now that he's engaged to be married, he's looking PRETTY GOOD to ron ron
Laura: she looks about 12
Anna: she has turned 180 degrees
in her estimation of him
[SUDDENLY, Kinnear just APPEARS]
that was so fucked up
Anna: "good evening"*
"i'm oscar winner greg kinnear"
Laura: dad cockblock!
Anna: dad cockblocks are the worst kind
[the NEXT DAY at the VOLLEYBALL GAME, they ACT CUTE and shit]
Laura: i thought he was engaged?
Anna: dude, aren't you engaged?
Laura: what an asshole
Anna: "i just said i was engaged, to lure you"
"like that adam sandler movie"
Laura: i'm so confused
Anna: when did she stop hating him?
Laura: when did he stop being engaged?
Anna: when did they get to the aquarium?
[they SWIM in a TANK]
Laura: i don' think they would allow a volunteer to do that
that seems very very dangerous
Anna: there are fucking sharks in there
[back on the BEACH, an UNSPECIFIED amount of time LATER, they FROLIC like LOVERS]
Laura: what the what???????????
Anna: are they a couple now?
[the BLONDE girl tells Miley that the hot dude is a MAN SLUT]
Laura: fastest relationship ever
RUN FROM HIM, MILEY
[meanwhile, in DAD’S WORKSHOP]
little bro wants to talk relationships
the wisdom of a child
Anna: sure, talking relationships with your child
that's a thing
Laura: whilst welding or whatever
Anna: kids LOVE talking about their parents' marriage
Laura: kids also love TELLING AMAZING JOKES about cookies
Anna: "i changed the subject to cookies"*
i'm doing that from now on
[Miley STORMS in in TEARS]
Anna: wait what
this is all literally happening in like A DAY
Laura: yeah, seriously
Anna: now dad likes him?
now that miley's over it
Laura: dad just wants what's worst for his daughter
Anna: like all dads
Laura: maybe the hot dude will now kill all the sea turtles for revenge
Anna: "i ate them"
"like a raccoon would have"
"to spite you"
[Miley HULKS out to the BEACH to have a FIGHT]
Laura: dune confrontation
Anna: the best place to confront
Laura: hulk hulk
one day romance
Anna: literally one day
Laura: I don’t want to be the next girl in your parade of girls*
well put, miley
end it after 6 hours
Anna: "i really enjoyed my time with you"
"best 45 minutes ever"
[they SMOOCH and the camera FLIES AROUND THEM]
Anna: oh, the kiss changes EVERYTHING
Laura: this guy is good
Anna: before that, it wasn't real
now it's REAL
Laura: you're not like the other girls
was he kidding before?
Anna: that engagement is questionable
Anna: now dad's cool?
now they're playful?
Laura: this family is terrible
Anna: no relationship in this movie makes any sense
[they go on SWIMMING DATES and are “CUTE”]
Laura: ew ew ew
more gross kissing
Anna: all their dates involve water
maybe he's aquaman
that would make this more interesting
[they go on MORE DATES than involve LYING on the BEACH and DRAWING on SHOES]
Anna: deface my converse
Laura: draw on my chuck taylors
Laura: actually this is probably pretty realistic behavior for high school kids
Anna: scuba diving?
Laura: "i met you yesterday and NOW I LOVE YOU"
Anna: oh, that
[they go for a DRIVE and “She Will Be Loved” comes on the RADIO]
Laura: classic song!!!
Anna: keep singing, ron ron
Laura: ouch, that is some voice
Anna: sing along with maroon 5
Laura: doesn't this dude have like, 9 jobs?
when does he go to them?
time for road head!
Anna: i wish there was road head
then she wouldn't sing
[they go to a MUD PUDDLE]
Anna: for our next date, i thought we'd go to the mud pits
Laura: i wish there was a chainsaw murderer
this romance is just so fun and normal!
Anna: PLEASE let them fuck in the mud
oh wait it's PG
ok, mud fight
[they go to HIS HOUSE to CLEAN UP]
Anna: looks like he's RICH
that is quite pretty
sparks movies always have good scenery
[his HOUSE is LUXURIOUS and his MOM is COUNTRY CLUBBIN' it]
Anna: "i thought you were poor"
Laura: stay classy, miley
Anna: mom's so demure
Laura: jackie kennedy dress
[Miley SPIES a PIANO]
Anna: all rich people have pianos
Anna: even if they don't play them
[there is FAMILY PRESSURE for COLLEGE PLANS]
Laura: it's like mystic pizza
Anna: except terrible
although miley might be the tooth heir to julia roberts
Laura: she is a delighful houseguest
his parents are talking about mikey
who is mikey?
Anna: "my dead brother was supposed to go to vanderbilt"
Laura: so the engagement thing was totally a lie
i feel better now
[the dude GAZES while wearing CARGO PANTS and Miley looks BEWILDERED]
Laura: good face, miles
Laura: she just looks confused
Anna: "i became a man slut after my brother died"
"but then i met you"
Laura: she must be giving him bjs
Anna: road head was edited out
[they tell each other “I LOVE YOU”]
Anna: WHOA WHOA WHOA
Laura: love declaration
Anna: keep saying i love you
in a gazebo or some shit
Laura: what is the timeline here??
[they go INSIDE so she can REVEAL that she plays the PIANO]
Anna: play that piano, miles
Laura: ponytail for maximum musicality
Anna: she has to secure her hair
to play piano
Anna: not her hands
Laura: fake hands
Anna: piano edit
Laura: piano faces
Anna: piano acting
this is actually kind of awkward
it's like when someone is reading the long note in your birthday card
while you're sitting there
Laura: also, i don't even think that piece was all that hard
Anna: "i want to do you on this piano"
piano breakthrough for miles!
"i played today"
Laura: all it takes is a boy to bring you out of your funk
Anna: penis = cure-all
[she starts to TALK to her DAD about how much she LIKES this BOY]
OH NO SEX TALK
Anna: no no no no no
Laura: call your mom
talk to your gay brother
Anna: call anyone
tell the turtles
Laura: turtles always listen
Anna: i don't know how she can give bjs with those teeth
beaver as in the animal
[the dad makes a HEARTFELT CONFESSION]
Anna: OH SHIT
DAD BURNED DOWN THE CHURCH
Laura: dad burned down the church?
[there is a BIG VOLLEYBALL MATCH]
Anna: is this more or less gay than the top gun volleyball scene?
they're trying for less
with this rock music
Laura: it's certainly less self-aware
love improved my spike!
sponsored by crocs
the official shoe of miley cyrus fans
so many high-fives
Anna: is the brother friends now?
everyone loves each other now?
Laura: so....she loves her dad now?
Anna: "why do you come to this church so much?"
"well, i burned it down"
Laura: this is a pretty laid back discussion/confession
Anna: chill arson rap sesh
Laura: so that was dad in the first scene
Anna: dad's gonna die
Laura: DYING DAD IN THE SECOND ACT
well, it's sparks
someone gotta die
Anna: if he doesn't die, i'll be pissed
Laura: me too
Anna: old reliable sparks
[Miley is NOT CONVINCED that her dad BURNED the CHURCH]
but he did burn it down
he just said he did
Anna: he must have been framed!!!!
by the fire jugglers
Laura: it was an accident
[Rolf CONFESSES to burning the CHURCH]
Anna: see? FRAMED BY ROLF
[meanwhile, on a DIRT ROAD]
Anna: oh god, kristen stewart and dirty jonas are back
why does miley even care about that girl?
they're not friends
[her “FRIEND” yells at Miley for NO REASON]
Anna: ummmm why is it miley's fault
Laura: everything is miley's fault
[Miley gives her MONEY that her dad gave her for a DRESS for the WEDDING of the HOT DUDE’S SISTER]
Laura: oh no, her fancy dress money!
Anna: don’t give her your DRESS MONEY
miley's a GOOD PERSON
Laura: little brother will make something faaaaabulous for her to wear
why is little bro nice now?
why do they all love each other so much for no reason
Anna: they act like they hate each other and then they don't
i guess that's family
[she goes SHOPPING with the BROTHER and there is a MONTAGE]
must have a montage
Laura: little bro will find the PERFECT DRESS
Anna: HE FOUND IT
in the smallest store ever
Laura: this kid is retarded
Anna: high-fives of love
[Kinnear DRIVES her to the WEDDING and gives her DADLY ADVICE]
Laura: NOW he's a dad again?
Anna: he just likes to be dad sometimes
don't worry, he'll be dead soon
Laura: comb your hair, ronron
luckily that “hot” dude is also not very cute so it works out
Anna: they both have horse faces
in different ways
Laura: they really do
[the “FRIEND” is there as a CATER WAITER and she has DUMPED Dirty Jonas]
Anna: blaze has been saved
and is still not your friend
Laura: and never was
Anna: uh oh
dirty jonas is back
Laura: he is abusive!
Anna: you can tell he's bad news
because of the tats
WHOAAAA CROWBAR FIGHT
Laura: it's getting exciting
Anna: will's dead brother induced raaaaaaaage
Laura: the rich people are scandalized at the crowbar fight!
Anna: "ugh, these poor people"
"they ruined our event"
Laura: "with their working-class problems"
[the little brother sees the TURTLES hatching]
Anna: OH SHIT THE TURTLES
Laura: "perfect timing for a turtle hatch!"
Anna: i like how they just abandon and pick up storylines in this movie
Anna: ok those turtles are legit cute
GO TO THE SEA
Laura: will knows just what to do
shine a flashlight for the turtles
Anna: i think they can find the sea themselves, dumbass
it's called instinct
Laura: where's the music subplot?
or the divorce plot?
Laura: OH SHIT DAD
Anna: collapsed on the beach!!!!
NEW LIFE OF TURTLES
NEW DEATH OF DAD
[it is a HOSPITAL HALLWAY]
Anna: i was hoping the next shot would be of a gravestone
but a hospital is good too
Laura: lung cancer dad
and suddenly he's super sick
though he has been fine the whole movie
Anna: the beach collapse really got to him
[Miley goes INSANE WITH ANGER]
Laura: RON RAGE
Anna: so angry
Laura: "God, dad, how selfish of you to want to spend time with me!"
Laura: greg kinnear is like "WHERE IS MY PAYCHECK"
Anna: "give me my boat please"
Laura: we can only love someone once they are dying
that is what sparks teaches us
Anna: true love only comes with death
[the little brother GAZES into the OCEAN]
Laura: hahah kid gazes to the ocean
Anna: staring into the ocean is really useful for grief
children love gazing
little brother is raging
oh, he's trying to finish the stained glass window
since dead dad won't be able to
that's kind of sad
Anna: "if i finish this, dad will live"
Laura: that's not how death works, kid
Anna: SORRY KIDS
LIFE IS SHITTY
Laura: at least this kid is trying
Anna: Last Days of Dad
Laura: did boyfriend just quit all his jobs?
Anna: well, they weren't jobs really
since he's rich
Laura: this is true
Anna: they were volunteerships
and extracurriculars for vanderbilt
Laura: so is the fire thing getting dropped too?
Anna: oh, it'll come back
Laura: and why don't they call their mother??
[Kinnear asks to GO HOME so you KNOW it’s time to DIE]
Laura: aw shit
Laura: barbara hershey style
dying on the beach
[they DRIVE past the METAPHORICAL STAINED GLASS WINDOW]
Anna: they finished the window!!
Laura: look, a hideous window!
Anna: the window has a black angel?!?!
Laura: BUT HOW?
it's the only black person in this movie
[the hot dude tells his ARSON FRIEND that he must CONFESS]
Anna: rolf confrontation time!
Laura: you're getting SERVED
that confrontation was easy
Anna: like, really easy
Laura: everything is easy when you're dying!
Anna: it's will's charming manner
[Kinnear FORGIVES Rolf for his ARSON and subsequent FRAMING]
Laura: "let my secret die with me"
Anna: everyone is alternately the most moral and the least
[Miley STORMS OFF for some reason]
Laura: Miley hasn't been pissed in like 10 minutes
Anna: why is she pissed NOW?!
the line between love and hate
Laura: there isn't enough fucking in this movie
Laura: but i also don't want there to be
it's not like the hot notebook sex
which is SHOCKINGLY hot
in the notebook you see, like, the moment of entry
it's pretty hardcore
Anna: at least diane lane and richard gere had a classy crossfade
[the MOM returns]
Anna: oh good! mom's back!
Laura: about time, mom
Anna: mom has probably known this whole time
Laura: i'm sure
Anna: and then they'll hate her for knowing
and then love her again for no reason
[the MOM wants the kids to GO so the dad can DIE]
Laura: "we should just abandon him here"
Anna: "leave him to die"
"like a dog"
[Miley decides to STAY because she has been MEAN to him]
Anna: i still really don't understand this timeline
Laura: she fought with him for like a week
and then she frenched some dude and she was fine
[Kinnear says GOODBYE to his SON]
Laura: this might be touching
Anna: he's not going anywhere, buddy
he'll be with you
Laura: "every time a light shines"
Anna: in cancer heaven
Laura: i'm the light in your poorly-constructed window
Anna: "i am that black angel"
[the MOM and BROTHER leave and Miley finds some LETTERS]
Laura: DAD LETTERS
Anna: love letter subplot?!
Laura: .....why are they there?
dad love letters
Anna: when did he write these?
Laura: i think whilst they were estranged
Anna: for those...months?
Laura: i think since they got divorced
you know sparks cried himself to sleep while writing this
Anna: "i am a genius"
Laura: get a job, cyrus
Anna: her job is chilling with dad
she has to honor his memory later
Laura: that's true
Anna: via piano
“music and love are going to bring you joy”*
WOW THANKS DAD
Laura: that was super profound
[he TRIES to finish the SONG he is writing, but CANNOT due to MYSTERY CANCER]
Anna: the song is called "for ronnie"
SHE CAN FINISH IT
Laura: she will compose it
without looking at the music?
Anna: i'm pretty sure the music is bringing her joy right now
Laura: she looks pretty joyful
[she DOES NOT]
Anna: he's going to drift into death
as she plays
Laura: yeah he is
the song will kill him
this sounds like the dramatic music in a jane austen film
Anna: "dad, i finished it!!"
"oh you died"
Laura: WHOOPS YOU DAID
Anna: when people die they always knock over their glass
that's how you know
Laura: and their head slowly lolls to the side
Anna: always a loll
Laura: is this a movie?
this is like 8 different movies
[there is a FUNERAL and everyone is NICE to her even if they were MEAN before]
Laura: this whole movie is just people sucking up to miley
she's just SO AMAZING
Anna: miley being retarded or a bitch
and everyone loving her
it's kind of like real life
[Miley starts to give a EULOGY but then realizes what she MUST DO]
Anna: play the song
THE LAST SONG
"i wrote this song with my dad, and i think it's PRETTY COOL"
"he's PRETTY DEAD"
Laura: the black angel!
Anna: the light!
in the window!!
[the SUN shines through the UGLY WINDOW and you FEEL his PRESENCE though he is DEAD]
Anna: IT'S DAD!!!!
Laura: oceans of LOLs
the sea turtles are LOLing
Anna: the raccoon is LOLing
that random elderly woman at the beginning who never came back is LOLing
Laura: so many funeral scenes in sparks movies
Anna: he probably just has an army of extras in his compound
[everyone is REAL NICE to her]
Anna: death brings people together
Laura: it suuuure does
[Miley starts to PACK her THINGS but sees the HOT DUDE staring at the OCEAN]
Anna: everyone just LOVES to gaze
the ocean is like tv in this movie
Laura: he is wearing a deep v-neck of emotion
Anna: "i heard"
Laura: from whom??
Anna: "from no one"
[he tells her he has DEFIED his family to go to COLUMBIA, which is GREAT because she is going to JUILLIARD]
Anna: 1 train romance!!!!
Laura: 10 minutes in manhattan and he will FORGET miles
[he PICKS her up and they KISS AWKWARDLY]
Laura: cause people love to pick people up when they kiss them
Anna: is this the end?
Laura: i guess
so what have we learned?
Anna: 1. turtles = life
Laura: if your dad is a country singer with one hit, you will have a terrible movie career
if you live in north carolina, sooner or later you will be an extra in a nicholas sparks funeral scene
Anna: just buy some black right now
beaches are the best place to learn about yourself/relationships
ocean staring is fun
Laura: walk like lurch through volleyball games and you will find true luv
Anna: drink more milkshakes
in case a hot dude spills yours
Laura: crowbar fights will end in disgrace for your rich family
Anna: but then be forgotten entirely
Laura: a raccoon's favorite meal is delicious turtle eggs
salted with the tears of a grumpy teen
Laura: gay brothers are super awesome shopping companions
Anna: they have wisdom beyond their years
and can finish a stained glass window with no adult supervision
feist will sell out and put her nice cool song into a nicholas sparks film
Anna: i can't hate on that
i'd sell out in 1 second
Laura: yeah, there's mad cash involved
Anna: if given the opportunity
everyone sells out
that's the real message of this movie
Anna: music and love will bring you joy
but not as much as money
Laura: that's it
done and done
Anna: GOODNIGHT FOLKS
Laura: like baby sea turtles to the ocean
Anna: find your way