1. Carey Mulligan is the cutest
2. Whenever I see Saaarsgaaaaaaard, I am reminded that one of my friends once said he looked "unifinished, like a fetus"
So hopefully you'll enjoy this offering from Laura McClain anyway.
[it is a LONDON burb in the 1960’s]
Carey Mulligan: Ho hum. My middle-class schoolgirl lifestyle is pretty boring. At least I have these adorable dimples.
[we SEE a MONTAGE of her doing SCHOOL-LIKE things, and being BRAINY]
Alfred Molina: You need to be more involved if you want to get into Oxford! Go play the cello, even though you don’t like it!
Carey Mulligan: Ugh, fine, dad.
[she PLAYS in the ORCHESTRA and then gets CAUGHT in a RAINSTORM]
Peter Saarsgaard: Cheerio! I am a music lover, and I don’t want your cello to get ruined! Why don’t you put it in my car and then walk alongside? Then you don’t have to worry about me attacking you!
Carey Mulligan: Okay, older gentleman. Thanks!
[they have a PLEASANT conversation about MUSIC and he DRIVES her HOME]
Peter Saarsgaaaard: Hello again! Do you want to come and hear some classical music with me at a posh place! My friends will be there too, so it’s not too creepy. Is it? Is this getting a little creepy?
Carey Mulligan: I am intrigued! But my parents will never let me.
Peter Saaaaarsgaaaaaard: Leave them to me!
[he is INCREDIBLY CHARMING to her PARENTS and CONVINCES them to let her GO]
Rosamund Pike: Hallo! I am here and very glamorous! And my boyfriend is oh so hot!
Dominic Cooper: Yes. Yes I am.
[they GO to the CONCERT and Carey Mulligan PETS Rosamund’s FUR to REMIND us that she is a CHILD]
Carey Mulligan: Beautiful music and fancy restaurants! This is the life I want to live!
[they GO to an AUCTION on a SCHOOL DAY and Saaaaaargaaaaaard LETS her BUY a CLASSICAL painting]
Carey Mulligan: Wow, Dominic Cooper, your apartment certainly is ostentatious! What do you guys do, anyway?
Saaaaaaaarsgaaaard: Uh…nothing. Hey, let’s all go away to Oxford next weekend!
Carey Mulligan: Dude. 16 years old, remember?
Saaaaarsgaaaard: Leave it to me.
[he GETS her PARENTS to LET her go by SAYING he KNOWS C.S. Lewis and is an Oxford GRAD which is a BIG FAT LIE]
Carey Mulligan: Yahoo!
[Rosamund Pike DRESSES her UP like a LADY though she is still JAILBAIT]
Rosamund Pike: You haven’t slept with him yet? Good for you!*
Carey Mulligan: Shit, am I supposed to do that?!
[at the HOTEL]
Saaaaaarsgaaaaaaard: Oh Minnie, you’re so beautiful. Come to bed.
Carey Mulligan: Yeah…I’m a virgin. And I want to stay that way until my seventeenth birthday, which should really indicate to you that I’m still a little girl with an idealized vision of love and sex.
Saaaaaarsgaaaaaaaaard: That’s cool. Can I see your boobs?
[he and Dominic Cooper ACT SHADY and then go STEAL a MAP from an OPEN HOUSE]
Carey Mulligan: My faith in you is shaken!
Saaaarsgaaaaaaaaard: [WORKS his CHARM MAGIC on her]
Carey Mulligan: Never mind, it’s totes okay! I am as naïve about men as I am smart in my English class!
Olivia Williams: As your stern but kind teacher, I am freaked out for you, Carey. You could do so much more than date old creepers!
Carey Mulligan: Pshaw. Everything is great. He’s even taking me to Paris for my birthday!
[believe it or NOT, Saaaarsgaaaaaaaard CONVINCES her PARENTS to TAKE her to PARIS, because he is a WIZARD or SOMETHING]
Girls at School: Paris! Boyfriend! Cigarettes! We all want to live vicariously through you!
Emma Thompson: Though I am in full Margaret Thatcher drag, I am the headmistresses of this school. Basically, if you pop your cherry, you’re kicked out, Mulligan.
Carey Mulligan: Duly noted.
[she and Saaarsgaaaard GO to Paris and START to AWKWARDLY bone]
Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarsgaaaaaaaaaard: I thought we could use this to get the messy part over with.*
[he BRANDISHES a BANANA, and you’re like, SMOOTH, dude]
Carey Mulligan: I don’t want to lose my virginity to a piece of fruit!*
[they EVENTUALLY bone, and FROLIC in Paris and it’s CUTE but for the whole STATUTORY RAPE thing]
Rosamund Pike: It’s great to see you guys again! Let’s go to a sexy party!
[they DO and Dominic Cooper GETS up in Mulligan’s BUSINESS and it is NOTED by their PARTNERS]
Saaaarsgaaaaaaaard: I’m freaked out that someone else has noticed that you are hot. Marry me!
Carey Mulligan: Whaaaa?
Alfred Molina: Well, you don’t have to worry about Oxford if you marry him!
Her Mom: He’ll take good care of you!
Carey Mulligan: If this is all you wanted for me, why didn’t you just have me trolling round nightclubs?*
[they get ENGAGED and Olivia Williams is SAD]
Emma Thompson: So, I guess this means you’re deflowered. OUT.
Carey Mulligan: I don’t need school anyway! I don’t want to be bored and boring. Peace.
[Saaaarsgaaaaaaaard TAKES her and her PARENTS to DINNER]
Carey Mulligan: Just going to get a ciggie out of the glove box….whaaaaaaa?
[she SEES mail ADDRESSED to him and his WIFE, and you’re all I KNEW IT]
Carey Mulligan: You have to tell my parents that you’re married. Be a man.
Saaaaarsgaaaaaaaard: [SCREECHES AWAY in his CAR]
Alfred Molina: I’m sorry that we steered you wrong and were so hard on you. We just wanted you to be happy.
Carey Mulligan: Weeeeeeep! My life is ruined! You’re my only hope, Olivia Williams. I want to be the smart good girl again!
Olivia Williams: I will help you. Men are pigs.
[she STUDIES REAL HARD and gets in to OXFORD]
Carey Mulligan: Hooray! Good thing Saaarsss didn’t knock me up!