Country Strong

Yes, I actually saw this, but in my defense, it was the third movie on a day in which I paid for one movie (with a gift card) and snuck into two more. So let's just enjoy the fruits of my labor and not judge, all right?
Guy from Tron: How I do love to croon a country tune! But I also love to work at this woodland rehab center, which just so happens to be where country superstar Kelly Canter is holed up, dryin' out from booze.
Gwyneth: I sure am! And writin' songs and tryin' to forget about Dallas. DALLAS.
[she looks STRICKEN]
Tim McGraw: Well, hey there, pretty lady. Am I your husband or your manager? Oh, I guess I'm both. What say we take a stroll in the woods and talk about springin' you outta rehab early?
Guy from Tron: Is that...a good idea? As her sponsor, I don't know about that. Although apparently I work at this rehab center. And am not a recovering alcoholic. So I don't think I can actually be her sponsor? Whatever, I'm hot.
Tim McGraw: I was in the Top Ten Sexiest Men in Playgirl Magazine in 1997! I know what's best!!
[they WALK in the WOODS because that's how you REHAB]
Tim McGraw: So, where'd you find the bird?
Gwyneth: I found her under a tree. She ain't got no mama, and is symbolic or somethin'.
[she opens a TINY BOX to reveal a BABY QUAIL]
Tim McGraw: Well, seems to me like you're ready to go tourin' again!
Gwyneth: Well, fine, but I want my "sponsor" to be my opening act.
Tim McGraw: Well, I want Blair Waldorf to be your opening act!
Gwyneth: Good thing they sort of know each other and are playing at the same bar in Nashville. You can check them both out at the same time.
Tim McGraw: Give me that quail, I'm takin' her with me.
[he goes to the BAR where it's ALL GONNA HAPPEN]
Blair Waldorf: I'm a pageant queen, but I just love sangin'!!
Guy from Tron: You have no stage presence. Last time, you froze up like an ice cube.* METAPHORS AND SIMILES.
[she FREEZES again but he HELPS her in a HANDSOME way]
Tim McGraw: Y'all sounded pretty good up there together. You want to open for Kelly and do a duet?
Guy from Tron: Sounds like your bird's hungry.* Also, why do you have a box with a baby quail in it AT A BAR?!?!?!
Tim McGraw: I have a 2006 Grammy, I know best!!
[they all decide to go ON TOUR together]
Gwyneth: I'm so excited to go on this big ol' tour on this big ol' tour bus! Where are we goin'?
Tim McGraw: Houston, Austin...and DALLAS.
Gwyneth: DALLAS.
Newsreporter: This tour takes Kelly Canter back to Dallas, where one year ago she tripped on a microphone cord with a blood alcohol level of .19, and was pregnant at the time.
Gwyneth: DALLASSSSSS!!!!! That is what happened there. I will make my peace with you, Dallas. Now let's get on that bus. I need to be in total comfort for the 3-hour drive. We'll get a hotel when we get there, so I don't even know why we need this bed.
[they get to HOUSTON and she gets a BOX with a DEAD BABY DOLL in it]
Gwyneth: I killed my child!! Now I will drink heavily!!
Tim McGraw: You need to stop her from drinking!!
Guy from Tron: What? Why is that even my job? I'm the opening act. You're her husband and manager. That doesn't even make sense.
Tim McGraw: I have seven CMAs, I always make sense!!
Blair Waldorf: Don't I look pretty, y'all? TELL ME I LOOK PRETTY.
[she DOES, but has a straight-up BREAKDOWN in front of the HUGEST AMERICAN FLAGS EVER]
JJ, the Promoter: This is bullshit! It better go better in Austin.
Gwyneth: Do me, my hot opening act.
Guy from Tron: Okay.
Blair Waldorf: Now look at me naked.
Guy from Tron: Uh...okay?
Tim McGraw: What about me?! Who wants to do me?
Baby Quail: Cheep cheep!
Tim McGraw: You need to feed this baby quail and take care of her. It's symbolic.
Gwyneth: She's so tiny. Oh, baby quail, you represent everything.
[the baby quail is NEVER SPOKEN OF AGAIN]
Gwyneth: We're in Austin!! Woooooo!! I'm going to a bar!!!!
Guy from Tron: You're a recovering alcoholic. Stop going to bars!!
Tim McGraw: You're gonna be the toast of the town!
Gwyneth: I think we both know I'm not the toast of anyone's town.*
[the concert is CANCELLED and the promoter is PISSED but the Gwyneth BONES him and all is FORGIVEN]
Blair Waldorf: Are we together now?
Guy from Tron: I think so? I think that duet we sang made us fall in love.
Gwyneth: Love is the only thing that matters!! Love and fame can't live in the same house! Give it all up for love!!!!
Blair Waldorf: But I want a career!
Gwyneth: And you could have a real good one, too. Never take laxatives. Always wear high heels. Oh, also I figured out that your parents are in prison, FYI? AND LOVE IS THE THING THAT MATTERS.
Blair Waldorf: She's so wise!! How did she know my parents were in prison? She just knew it. Good explanation, screenwriters. Really good.
Gwyneth: Well, Dallas, I'm here, and I'm going to kick you in the ass!!
[she sings the SHIT out of some SONGS including one she wasn't SUPPOSED to]
Gwyneth: That's how it's done, sweetheart. SUCK IT, WORLD.
Blair Waldorf: She's so amazing!
[Gwyneth is found DEAD in her HOTEL ROOM due to SUICIDE]
Newscaster: Guess she wasn't so country strong after all. BURN!!
Tim McGraw: But I'm the 2000 Father of the Year, so named by the National Fatherhood Initiative!! How can this be happening to me?!
Guy from Tron: Okay, I'm moving to a ranch on a beach in California, which is apparently a real thing, and I'm gonna pay guitar at some honky-tonk at night.
Blair Waldorf: Okay, I'm going to be famous. Oh wait, no I'm not, because I heard from that mentally unstable alcoholic that love is the only thing that matters, so I'm going to give it all up to be with you, because you are hot.


BeckEye said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again. You are providing a HUGE service here, madam. If I ever have the misfortune of seeing this big-budget Lifetime movie, I'm sure it won't be nearly as good as your version.

Movie Maven said...

I do what I can.