Yes, I actually saw this, but in my defense, it was the third movie on a day in which I paid for one movie (with a gift card) and snuck into two more. So let's just enjoy the fruits of my labor and not judge, all right?
[it is THE COUNTRY]
Guy from Tron: How I do love to croon a country tune! But I also love to work at this woodland rehab center, which just so happens to be where country superstar Kelly Canter is holed up, dryin' out from booze.
Gwyneth: I sure am! And writin' songs and tryin' to forget about Dallas. DALLAS.
[she looks STRICKEN]
Tim McGraw: Well, hey there, pretty lady. Am I your husband or your manager? Oh, I guess I'm both. What say we take a stroll in the woods and talk about springin' you outta rehab early?
Guy from Tron: Is that...a good idea? As her sponsor, I don't know about that. Although apparently I work at this rehab center. And am not a recovering alcoholic. So I don't think I can actually be her sponsor? Whatever, I'm hot.
Tim McGraw: I was in the Top Ten Sexiest Men in Playgirl Magazine in 1997! I know what's best!!
[they WALK in the WOODS because that's how you REHAB]
Tim McGraw: So, where'd you find the bird?
Gwyneth: I found her under a tree. She ain't got no mama, and is symbolic or somethin'.
[she opens a TINY BOX to reveal a BABY QUAIL]
Tim McGraw: Well, seems to me like you're ready to go tourin' again!
Gwyneth: Well, fine, but I want my "sponsor" to be my opening act.
Tim McGraw: Well, I want Blair Waldorf to be your opening act!
Gwyneth: Good thing they sort of know each other and are playing at the same bar in Nashville. You can check them both out at the same time.
Tim McGraw: Give me that quail, I'm takin' her with me.
[he goes to the BAR where it's ALL GONNA HAPPEN]
Blair Waldorf: I'm a pageant queen, but I just love sangin'!!
Guy from Tron: You have no stage presence. Last time, you froze up like an ice cube.* METAPHORS AND SIMILES.
[she FREEZES again but he HELPS her in a HANDSOME way]
Tim McGraw: Y'all sounded pretty good up there together. You want to open for Kelly and do a duet?
Guy from Tron: Sounds like your bird's hungry.* Also, why do you have a box with a baby quail in it AT A BAR?!?!?!
Tim McGraw: I have a 2006 Grammy, I know best!!
[they all decide to go ON TOUR together]
Gwyneth: I'm so excited to go on this big ol' tour on this big ol' tour bus! Where are we goin'?
Tim McGraw: Houston, Austin...and DALLAS.
Newsreporter: This tour takes Kelly Canter back to Dallas, where one year ago she tripped on a microphone cord with a blood alcohol level of .19, and was pregnant at the time.
Gwyneth: DALLASSSSSS!!!!! That is what happened there. I will make my peace with you, Dallas. Now let's get on that bus. I need to be in total comfort for the 3-hour drive. We'll get a hotel when we get there, so I don't even know why we need this bed.
[they get to HOUSTON and she gets a BOX with a DEAD BABY DOLL in it]
Gwyneth: I killed my child!! Now I will drink heavily!!
Tim McGraw: You need to stop her from drinking!!
Guy from Tron: What? Why is that even my job? I'm the opening act. You're her husband and manager. That doesn't even make sense.
Tim McGraw: I have seven CMAs, I always make sense!!
Blair Waldorf: Don't I look pretty, y'all? TELL ME I LOOK PRETTY.
Gwyneth: I CAN STILL GO ON STAGE.
[she DOES, but has a straight-up BREAKDOWN in front of the HUGEST AMERICAN FLAGS EVER]
JJ, the Promoter: This is bullshit! It better go better in Austin.
Gwyneth: Do me, my hot opening act.
Guy from Tron: Okay.
Blair Waldorf: Now look at me naked.
Guy from Tron: Uh...okay?
Tim McGraw: What about me?! Who wants to do me?
Baby Quail: Cheep cheep!
Tim McGraw: You need to feed this baby quail and take care of her. It's symbolic.
Gwyneth: She's so tiny. Oh, baby quail, you represent everything.
[the baby quail is NEVER SPOKEN OF AGAIN]
Gwyneth: We're in Austin!! Woooooo!! I'm going to a bar!!!!
Guy from Tron: You're a recovering alcoholic. Stop going to bars!!
Tim McGraw: You're gonna be the toast of the town!
Gwyneth: I think we both know I'm not the toast of anyone's town.*
[the concert is CANCELLED and the promoter is PISSED but the Gwyneth BONES him and all is FORGIVEN]
Blair Waldorf: Are we together now?
Guy from Tron: I think so? I think that duet we sang made us fall in love.
Gwyneth: Love is the only thing that matters!! Love and fame can't live in the same house! Give it all up for love!!!!
Blair Waldorf: But I want a career!
Gwyneth: And you could have a real good one, too. Never take laxatives. Always wear high heels. Oh, also I figured out that your parents are in prison, FYI? AND LOVE IS THE THING THAT MATTERS.
Blair Waldorf: She's so wise!! How did she know my parents were in prison? She just knew it. Good explanation, screenwriters. Really good.
Gwyneth: Well, Dallas, I'm here, and I'm going to kick you in the ass!!
[she sings the SHIT out of some SONGS including one she wasn't SUPPOSED to]
Gwyneth: That's how it's done, sweetheart. SUCK IT, WORLD.
Blair Waldorf: She's so amazing!
[Gwyneth is found DEAD in her HOTEL ROOM due to SUICIDE]
Newscaster: Guess she wasn't so country strong after all. BURN!!
Tim McGraw: But I'm the 2000 Father of the Year, so named by the National Fatherhood Initiative!! How can this be happening to me?!
Guy from Tron: Okay, I'm moving to a ranch on a beach in California, which is apparently a real thing, and I'm gonna pay guitar at some honky-tonk at night.
Blair Waldorf: Okay, I'm going to be famous. Oh wait, no I'm not, because I heard from that mentally unstable alcoholic that love is the only thing that matters, so I'm going to give it all up to be with you, because you are hot.