Since I keep dropping the ball, my frequent contributor Laura McClain has picked up the slack. I even SAW this movie and was uninspired to write about it. It's...pretty dumb. But no one can resist La Streep and the Best Baldwin AND Steve Martin.
[it is the PRESENT]
Meryl Streep: I can’t believe my kids are all grown up and out of the house. As a warm earth mother/wildly successful caterer, my life is so hectic!
[she RUNS INTO her ex-husband Alec Baldwin at a PARTY]
Alec Baldwin: Oh, Meryl. You’re such a great lady. Look at you, being all 60-something and independent.
[he GRABS the ASS of his TROPHY wife]
Rita Wilson: I still can’t believe he left you for that young idiot.
Mary Kay Place: I know, right? Men are the worst.
Meryl Streep: Eh, I’m basically over it.
[they CLINK their GIANT glasses of WHITE WINE]
Meryl Streep: Aging sure is “complicated”. Plastic surgeon, do you think you can help me with my droopy eyelid?
Plastic Surgeon: Sure. We can cut your face open and staple your skin to your skull.
Meryl Streep: [RUNS AWAY]
Alec Baldwin: Oh, hello Meryl. Funny running into you in this elevator.
[he HIDES a PAMPHLET on INFERTILITY]
Meryl Streep: Ha! I can’t believe he’s going to try and have another child. Especially since our creepy, “Children of the Corn”-esque children are all in their 20s!
[they GO to NY to ATTEND the GRADUATION of one of the CREEPY KIDS]
Creepy Kid #1: Mom, we’re all going to go party tonight! Laters!
Meryl Streep: Ah, empty-nest syndrome. I will go to the bar to drown my sorrows.
Alec Baldwin: Why Meryl! What are you doing here? Let’s have wine. And scotch. And martinis. Maybe a tequila shot? Now we will dance awkwardly to this Jimmy Buffet song.
[they FUCK in his HOTEL room and it is both GROSS and extremely ENTERTAINING]
Alec Baldwin: [GRABS her VAGINA] Home sweet home!*
Meryl Streep: [BARFS in a DRAWER]
Creepy Kid #2: I’m so glad our whole family is here in New York! It’s like old times!
[the KIDS and John Krasinski, CREEPY #1’s fiancé, LOOK at each other in a NAUSEATING way]
Meryl Streep: This never happened, Alec! We’re going back to California and never speaking of this again!
Alec Baldwin: Whatever you say.
[he THRUSTS his HIPS in a GROSS/HILARIOUS manner]
Meryl Streep: Well, I’m glad that crazy weekend is over! Time to focus on building a giant addition to my house, which makes perfect sense, now that I’m the only one living here.
Steve Martin: Hello! I am your low-key, modest architect. You sure are pretty, elderly lady.
Meryl Streep: Your gentle humor is a welcome change from my blustery ex-husband! Let me make you a fancy sandwich in my catalogue kitchen.
[they EAT a MEAL that is FOOD PORN]
Alec Baldwin: Zounds! Why is this white-haired rascal sniffing around my woman?
[he LURKS outside the WINDOW, HILARIOUSLY]
Alec Baldwin: OMG, I thought he’d never leave.*
[they BONE again, and it is CUTE because they are both LESS HOT than they USED to be]
Alec Baldwin: Here, Meryl. Take this giant blunt. We will smoke it together someday.
Meryl Streep: Whatever you say, big guy.
[she WIGS out a BIT]
Meryl Streep: Friends, I must tell you! I’m sleeping with my ex! I’m a bit of a slut!*
[they all CELEBRATE and SPILL their WHITE WINE and like, DANCE around a DINING table or SOMETHING]
Alec Baldwin: Let’s bone at this hotel!
[John Krasinksi SEES them TRYSTING in the ELEVATOR in a LUDICROUS coincidence]
Meryl Streep: I will now disrobe in front of you, Alec. Please don’t comment on my age.
[he STARES at her in WONDER and then has a PANIC attack or SOMETHING]
Doctor: I have made a house call to this hotel, because that is a real thing that happens. You should start taking this embarrassing old-man medication.
Alec Baldwin: But that will reduce my sperm count! I mean….
Meryl Streep: Yes….I prefer a lot of semen.*
[they WATCH Oprah, like the OLD FARTS they are]
Steve Martin: Hello, Meryl! I have the new plans for your ridiculously huge home addition. Now you can see the ocean from your window. The ocean that is blue like your glorious eyes.
Meryl Streep: Would you like to go to my son’s graduation party with me tomorrow?
Steve Martin: Yahooo!
Alec Baldwin: Can I come over tonight and fuuuuuuck? You can make me my favorite dinner.
Meryl Streep: I cannot resist you and your gravelly voice.
[she MAKES the DINNER but he DOES not SHOW]
Meryl Streep: Pish. I can’t believe I waited around for him! I will smoke this giant blunt to feel better about my life.
Steve Martin: Here I am, ready to pick you up for our date.
Meryl Streep: [eating GIANT piece of CAKE] Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!
[they GO to the PARTY and SMOKE the GIANT blunt and it is TRULY hilarious]
Steve Martin: [various STONER things]
John Krasinski: I can’t believe you’re smoking pot!
Steve Martin: Want some?
John Krasinski: Hell yeah!
Alec Baldwin: I feel left out! You were supposed to smoke the blunt with ME!
Meryl Streep: Here you go!
[they are all HIGH and HILARIOUS and Alec Baldwin’s TROPHY WIFE can see that he still LOVES Meryl]
Steve Martin: Let’s eat some more food! Still high!
[they MAKE croissants and MAKE OUT and it is SQUICKY because I am IMMATURE]
Alec Baldwin: My wife kicked me out. Can I stay with you?
Creepy Child #3: Oh Daddy, of course you can! Let’s all stay here, at Mom’s house! You too, Krasinski!
[they DO and Baldwin TRIES to SEDUCE Meryl in with their KIDS in the other ROOM which is a CLASSY move]
Alec Baldwin: I will get naked in front of this computer! I’m sure Meryl is not Skypeing with the architect! If Diane Keaton movies have taught me anything, it is that old people do not understand technology!
[she IS and Martin SEES his DICK and is subsequently HEARTBROKEN]
Creepsters: You and Daddy are having an affair?
Meryl Streep: Yes, but we’re not getting back together!
[they RUN AWAY]
Meryl Streep: What have I done?!?!
John Krasinksi: Come see your children. They need you!
My Friend Sean: Get your own family, Krasinski.*
[there is WEEPING and a GROUP HUG]
Alec Baldwin: I’m sorry I messed everything up. I still love you.
Meryl Streep: It is too “complicated”.
[she GOES to her MANSION, all ALONE]
Steve Martin: Hey, I’m back. Want to make some croissants? This is not a euphemism.
[PRESUMABLY they FALL in LOVE and HOPEFULLY get HIGH some MORE]