10.08.2010

Saint Ange/House of Voices

I promise you, this condensed version makes EXACTLY AS MUCH or possibly MORE sense than the movie.
~~~~~~~
[it is an ORPHANAGE in FRANCE]
Little Boy: Hey! There are scary children in the bathroom! In the mirror! Let's look at them by climbing on the sink!
Little Girl: Uh, that might be a bad--
Little Boy: [falls to his DEATH]
[it is a BUS STOP]
Virginie Ledoyen: Bonjour. Je suis --
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Oh, we're speaking English.
Virginie Ledoyen: But...I'm French. And you are French. Everyone in this movie is French. We're in fucking France. Why are we speaking English?
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Je ne sais p--I mean, I don't know. Anyway, come with me to the orphanage with your suitcases full of secrets.
[they go to the ORPHANAGE, but all the children are LEAVING because they all SIMULTANEOUSLY got ADOPTED, which seems UNLIKELY]
Little Girl: [mysterious whisper]
Virginie Ledoyen: Oh REALLY?!
Helenka: I am from an indeterminate non-France country, and I will be staying here with you to clean the orphanage since it's now...closed? I guess? And we're going to clean it, for some reason. Oh, and don't mind Judith.
Judith: I'm crazy! I take crazy pills!!
Helenka: Calm down!!
Virginie Ledoyen: I have a feeling something...MYSTERIOUS happened here. Like, maybe a child DIED.
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Uh, yeah, we told you that.
Virginie Ledoyen: I will uncover the SECRET!! But I also have a secret!! Ha ha ha!!
[she UNWRAPS her BELLY to reveal she is PREGGERS]
Everyone: Duh, we knew that. Why else would a super-pretty girl hole herself up in an abandoned orphanage except that she's a whore? Ha ha, whores get what the deserve.
[some DOORS open and then CLOSE]
Virginie Ledoyen: OMG SCARY!!
[she finds a CHAPEL with some PHOTOS of DEAD CHILDREN]
Creepy Black Dress Lady: That's right! You have found our secret!!!
[she removes the TARP from a CAR with a great FLOURISH]
Creepy Black Dress Lady: Yes! There were children at this orphanage! CHILDREN!! Then they died.
Virginie Ledoyen: MY GOD!!! SUCH SECRETS!!
[some FOOTSTEPS are HEARD but it is LITERALLY NOTHING]
Helenka: CALM DOWN! [something in Romanian]
[they find some KITTENS but then someone DROWNS the kittens]
Judith: You didn't want me to have the kittens!!!
Virginie Ledoyen: Let's go investigate the big bathroom where the scary children used to hang out!
[she CONVINCES Judith to stop taking her CRAZY PILLS to bring her into her INSANITY]
Judith: Yes! I am fully crazy now!
[they throw a FLASHLIGHT through the MIRROR to reveal a SECRET AREA]
Virginie Ledoyen: Good thing my flashlight still works after I chucked it through a fucking mirror! Now, let's explore this area with rotting wood floors.
[she finds a DUMBWAITER because those are SCARY]
Judith: It doesn't work! Look! Look!
Virginie Ledoyen: The door has to be closed for it to work.*
[she finds an IMMACULATE WHITE LABORATORY that is like a MILLION FEET DOWN that could be a MURDER ROOM but could also be an ALIEN LAB]
Virginie Ledoyen: The scary children!! THEY ARE HERE!!
[some BALD KIDS roll up and she BIRTHS her baby on the FLOOR, SCREAMING]
Helenka: So...yeah. She went crazy, I guess? She definitely drowned those kittens. And now she's dead? But I'm not sure where.
Creepy Black Dress Lady: She's outside the dumbwaiter. On the main floor. Or possibly in the basement. Where there is definitely not a murder room.
Judith: Let's get out of here! I am taking my pills again...OR AM I!?!?!
[she sees Virginie Ledoyen, NUDE, nursing her BABY, surrounded by BALD KIDS, with ALL-WHITE EYES and it is kind of BLASE actually]
Everyone: SECRETS!!!!

3 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

LOLLLLLLLLL

Laura said...

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Tanya said...

I've never been more confused in my life.