9.01.2010

UCM Classique: The Net

I know, I know, I've been slacking over here. I sort of really got into updating my other blog and also not seeing very many movies, so it's been a dry spell up in this piece. So here's a "classic" (read: old) post for your perusal while I get my shit together.
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[it is 1995]

Sandra Bullock: I am so good at computers. I can find problems in any program, as well as order pizza online, though literally no pizza place had online ordering in 1995.

Dale [on phone]: I’m sending you a big virus. I can’t talk about it over the phone, though. Let’s meet in real life.

Sandra Bullock: AAAAAAAA! Real people terrify me! I shall take this virus to Mexico as my pet.

[she CHATS with some ONLINE people who do NOT terrify her and shares her ROMANTIC DREAMS]

Sandra Bullock: Off to Mexico! I’m so ready for a relaxing vacation. But first, I’ll stop and see my mom in the nursing home.

Her Mom: Are you one of my students? I don’t know you.

Sandra Bullock: Alzheimer’s sucks. I’m going to call Dale.

Some Other Guy: Dale is dead. His plane crashed because of a computer malfunction.

[she goes to the AIRPORT and everything is BROKEN and the arrival and departure screens say things like “HIJACKED” though clearly a screen would NEVER say that]

Sandra Bullock: Hmmm…my knowledge of computers tells me that this is odd. But I’ll go to Mexico anyway.

[she DOES and is the HOTTEST GEEK EVER and is on her LAPTOP on the BEACH]

Jeremy Northam: I’ll take a Gibson. That’s a martini with an onion instead of an olive, and also a calculated attempt to get that woman to notice me.

Sandra Bullock: Boy, did that ever work!

[they have a WHIRLWIND romance that ENDS with some dude STEALING her purse so she has NO ID and NO VIRUS]

Jeremy Northam: I’ll save you! But really I will KILL you.

[they go on a BOAT to a SECLUDED spot and he TRIES to kill her but she ESCAPES and takes the VIRUS with her]

Sandra Bullock: I have to get home! But I have no identity! DAMN YOU, COMPUTERS!

Embassy Woman: The computers say you’re someone else.

Sandra Bullock: Sigh. I will compromise my ideals to get home.

[she SIGNS the visa with someone else’s NAME and goes HOME, only to find that her LIFE has been ERASED]

Sandra Bullock: Someone must remember me!!

Dennis Miller: Hey babe…you look worse than a heretic after she’s met with the Grand Inquisitor. Am I right? Am I right?

Sandra Bullock: Shut UP! Just help me! The internet is out to get me!

[he gets KILLED by COMPUTERS that FUCK UP his prescription]

Sandra Bullock: Help me, online friend!

[the ONLINE FRIEND gets KILLED at a SCARY CARNIVAL]

Jeremy Northam: You see? YOU SEE? YOU CAN’T GET AWAY.

Sandra Bullock: You’re right…I can’t. So I will TAKE YOU DOWN.

[she BREAKS into the software company, where SOMEONE is using her IDENTITY, and uses IP ADDRESSES to find out who is behind all the SHENANIGANS]

Sandra Bullock: Oh my! It’s the CEO of the computer security company! He built a program to break into everything! How dishonest!

Conveniently Placed PA Announcement: The booth for this software company at the big software expo is in the southeast corner.

Sandra Bullock: That’s it!!

[she GOES to the EXPO and puts the VIRUS in the computer with the DISHONESTY PROGRAM]

Sandra Bullock: I just sent everything to the FBI, suckaaaaa!

Jeremy Northam: Well, we have access to the FBI, so who’s the sucka now??? I’ll just press the escape key and this will all go awa---WHAAAAA?!?!?

[the ESCAPE KEY activates the VIRUS, which makes all the SCREENS look like they are MELTING, including the one displaying the FAKE IDENTITY of Sandra Bullock, so we can see how everything is OKAY now]

Sandra Bullock: Perhaps I shall start a garden. Those can’t erase your identity.

1995 Audience: I am afraid of the internet. I sure hope it doesn’t catch on too much.

4 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I am SO DEPRESSED about the fact that I have never seen this clearly amazing movie. I laughed out loud at the 'hijacked' part.

Movie Maven said...

it's kind of incredible, really, and involves many hilarious user interfaces.

Emily Sue said...

Holy shit, I totally watched this movie on VHS when I was home for x-mas. Used to be my sister & my's favorite. Good times.
I used to be obsessed with the online pizza ordering part. The internet perplexed me in those days. I couldn't understand what it was or how it worked. I was dumb.

Emily Sue said...

I was shocked to see that I had already commented on this and thought perhaps someone had stolen my identity as well, but then saw the 2008 date. So no. Damn, no techno-shenanigans for me in the near future.

But now I want to watch this movie right now. Perhaps a DVD purchase is in order? I still think it's an amazing piece of work.