Guest Post: Body Heat

HOW IS THIS A REAL MOVIE? I almost don't believe it, but Laura McClain would never lie to me.

[it is the EARLY 80’s]
William Hurt: Phew. This heat wave sure is stifling. And so unexpected, in Florida!
Ted Danson: I’ll say! I had to use extra gel to keep my helmet of hair looking awesome.
[William Hurt GOES to COURT and LOSES a CASE because he is a shady, none-too-bright LAWYER]
William Hurt: Lawyering sure is complicated.
[he SMOKES in a NOIR manner as a SULTRY sax PLAYS, and GOES to an OUTDOOR concert to ILLUSTRATE that he is a LONER even in CROWDS]
William Hurt: Sure is hot out here…whaaaa?
[he SEES a SUPER hot DAME in a CLASSY white DRESS]
William Hurt: Why, hello there. What’s a tomato like you doing in a place like this?
Kathleen Turner: Me and my phone-sex voice are trying to get some air. Just don’t talk about the heat.*
William Hurt: Don’t normally see your type around here. You look well-tended.
Kathleen Turner: Ohhhh, I’m well-tended all right.*
William Hurt: Want a snowcone?
[she SPILLS it on her BOOB]
Kathleen Turner: What, you don’t want to lick it?*
[he CLEARLY does, but GOES for paper towels and she VANISHES]
William Hurt: Damn. Now I’m going to have to stalk her.
[he GOES to a BAR on her SWANKY side of TOWN and FINDS her there]
William Hurt: Hey there. Just thought I’d catch a drink/trade more repartee with you. Sometimes the shit comes down so hard I think I should wear a hat.*
Kathleen Turner: It would make you more noir.
[some RANDOMS stare at her because, HELLO, she is SUPER HOT]
William Hurt: You shouldn’t wear that body. *
Kathleen Turner: I’m leaving now. Don’t follow me. Unless you want to see my windchimes. That is not a euphemism.
[they GO to her MANSION to SEE the WINDCHIMES which clang EERILY]
Kathleen Turner: I’m married, you know. Not that it matters. Bye.
Me, in the Audience: Ooooh! Scandalous!
[they seriously HAVE a TON of fairly AWESOME-LOOKING sex]
Kathleen Turner: I sure do hate my husband. He’s so cold and small. It’s a shame my youth and sweet, sweet ass are wasted on him.
William Hurt: Yeah, that sucks. Wanna do it?
[they DO]
Kathleen Turner: MAN, I hate my husband. If only I were free, life would be so much better. Also, he is super rich. So I would get a lot of money. If he were gone. Hint. Hint. HINT.
William Hurt: Them’s the breaks, I guess. Let’s take your panties off.
Kathleen Turner: Sigh.
Ted Danson: Hey! I haven’t seen you in a while. Are you getting laid? Tell me, your comedic relief sidekick friend.
[they HANG out with their OTHER friend who is not GOOFY but rather BLACK and HONORABLE]
William Hurt: Well, better get back to my woman. There she is, in the gazebo, with her back to me. Hey, lady, wanna fuck?*
Some Random Chick: Well, well, well. Sure!
William Hurt: Gah!
Kathleen Turner: Oh, you’ve met my friend Mary Ann! And you propositioned her! Ha ha! How incredibly awkward!
[everyone LAUGHS except William Hurt]
Kathleen Turner: You can’t stay here. I’m babysitting my sister-in-law’s kid. I hate her.
[William Hurt SHOWS up ANYWAY and Kathleen Turner BLOWS him]
Small Child: What am I witnessing? WEEP!
William Hurt: Whoops. I really need to work on this discretion thing.
[he GOES to a RESTAURANT and sees Kathleen Turner there with her HUSBAND]
William Hurt: Shit.
Clueless Husband: Come join us!
[they have an AWKWARD dinner where the HUSBAND reveals HIMSELF to be a) a JAG, b) kind of DUMB and c) suuuuuuper RICH]
William Hurt: You’re right, baby. We have to off him. I’ll go talk to my explosive experts friend Mickey Rourke.
Hot Mickey Rourke of Youth: What the hell happened to me??
[Kathleen and William SET their PLAN in MOTION, occasionally taking BREAKS to BONE]
Kathleen Turner: Let’s change his will, so I’ll get all the money.
William Hurt: It’s a good thing you’re hot, because that is seriously stupid.
[it is the MURDER night]
Clueless Husband: Hey! What’s that noise downstairs?
[he GRABS a GUN and Kathleen Turner is like SHIT, where did you GET that]
William Hurt: Aaaaaaa!
[he LEAPS out of a CLOSET and BEATS him to DEATH]
Kathleen Turner: Awesome!
William Hurt: Now to drive his corpse to an abandoned restaurant and blow it up with my Mickey Rourke explosives.
[he DOES]
William Hurt’s Secretary: There’s a very, very sulty-voiced woman on the phone. She wants you to go to a will reading.
William Hurt: Quaaaaa?
[he GOES and FINDS out that Kathleen Turner used his LAWERLY INCOMPETENCE to get all the MONEY]
William Hurt: You’re nuts!
Kathleen Turner: [shaking his hand in a PARKING LOT] I want you more now than I ever have.*
Me: Damn, she’s good.
Ted Danson: I feel I should tell you that our black and honorable friend, the detective, is investigating you for murder.
[he DANCES for COMIC RELIEF, leading me to CALL him “Ted Dancin’ ” for the REMAINDER of the FILM]
Honorable Black Detective: The pieces don’t add up. Where were the murder victim’s glasses?
William Hurt: Where are the glasses??
Kathleen Turner: The maid stole them! She is blackmailing me!
William Hurt: I have grown suspicious of you and your motives.
Honorable Black Detective: We have a witness to Kathleen Turner’s alleged affair. Her niece saw her blowing some dude in short shorts. You also wear short shorts.
William Hurt: Dude, it’s 1980. I also have a porn star mustache.
[he REMAINS calm but then WIGS out to Kathleen]
Kathleen Turner: I love you! Everything will be fine! Go to the boathouse to get the glasses - the maid put them there.
William Hurt: You’re trying to kill me! Mickey Rourke told me you went on an explosives-buying spree!
Kathleen Turner: No! I’ll prove it!
[she GOES to the BOATHOUSE which EXPLODES]
William Hurt: Noooooooo!
[later, in JAIL]
William Hurt: [WAKING with a START] She’s alive!*
Honorable Black Detective: That’s stupid. We found a charred corpse in the boathouse.
William Hurt: No! It was her friend Mary Ann that I hit on earlier in the movie! She switched identities with her and then killed her and put her body in the boathouse! It’s so obvious now!
[he REQUESTS a high school yearbook and SEES that his CRAZY THEORY is TRUE]
Some Dude: Sure is hot out here, huh?
Kathleen Turner: [looks WISTFUL, though she is STINKING RICH now]


Laura said...

I love the multiple taglines on the poster.

Chris said...

You are a huge LOSER