[it is HOLLYWOOD]
Touchstone Exec 1: You know what ladies like? When they see other ladies who are successful, but also can snag a hot man.
Touchstone Exec 2: Oooooh, they totally love that. Especially when the lady is hot, but relatable. Wait - I've got it! That Speed girl!
Female Exec: I told you last time, her name is Sandra Bullock. She's gonna win an Oscar someday.
Other Execs: Ha ha ha! That is funny because she is mostly in romps and hijinks!! We do not believe you!
Female Exec: Whatever. Look, can we make her a little less...frothy in this thing? I really think she's believable as a hard-nosed businesswoman.
Touchstone Exec 1: ...whose outer shell is cracked by a man! Ladies be lovin' vulnerability!
Touchstone Exec 2: But he's got to be a real specimen of manhood. But again, not too threatening. But with ridiculous abs...and grabbable hair...and a lickable face...like Ryan Reynolds...
[he starts DROOLING]
Touchstone Exec 1: Bob! Bob, snap out of it.
Touchstone Exec 2: Sorry, I just...uh, get really into casting.
[their TEAM of WRITERS enter, spilling their ACAI BERRY SMOOTHIES everywhere]
Writer 1: I've got so many hijinks to put in here! So what happens is that she's being deported, because she's Canadian!
Writer 2: People love jokes at the expense of Canada.
Writer 1: And she has to marry someone, to get her green card.
Writer 2: Green-card based comedy is so hot right now.
Writer 1: So she forces her assistant -
Writer 2: - the hunky Ryan Reynolds, who is so hot right now -
[they all SWOON]
Writer 1: - to marry her so she can stay in the country!
Touchstone Exec 1: This sounds rife with hijink potential. Rife!!
Touchstone Exec 2: What's the hijinkiest state?
Writer 1: Right! So they go to Alaska, which is where his family is from. We'll get some solid supporting folks in as the family - coach, Ted Danson's wife, and the one Golden Girl, the one with the mouth on her. She's a big draw for an old broad.
Touchstone Exec 1: I don't know about the old lady. Will she be hilarious and heartwarming but ALSO force Sandra to dance in the woods and chant, which turns into Sandra singing "Get Low"? And will she also help Sandra see how nice it is to have a family?
Writer 2: Heartwarming hilarity is so hot right now, and so is the song "Get Low." Very timely. Consider it done!
Writer 1: I also have a bit about a dog being carried away by an eagle; if we can fit that in there somewhere, that would be great.
Touchstone Exec 2: As long as you can manage to find a way to get them to run into each other naked, you can include any other bits you want.
Female Exec: Actually...I have no problem with that. Ryan Reynolds naked? I'm sold.
Writer 1: And please, please let me have an ethnic stereotype! Just one!
Writer 2: Mexicans are so hot right now.
Touchstone Exec 1: Fine, we'll call in a favor and get the Mexican guy from The Office.
Touchstone Exec 2: Jose, the janitor? I don't think he's done much acting.
Touchstone Exec 1: Not our office, The Office. The TV show.
[they all LAUGH about how WHITE they are]
Writer 1: I think we've really got something here, guys. Maybe even...Oscar material??
Writer 2: The Oscars are so hot right now.
Then I wanted to write a normal post, so here's that one:
[it is NEW YORK]
Sandra Bullock: I am a businesswoman! Note my slicked-back ponytail and no-nonsense skirt suit! Where's my coffee, assistant!
Ryan "Grabbable Hair" Reynolds: I spilled it, but I drink the same kind of coffee as you in case I spill it because I am afraid of you and please don't hurt me please.
Sandy B: Fear me! Fear my wrath! Fear my hard outer shell that no one can penetrate!!
[everyone COWERS due to her HARDNESS]
Executives: So...you're being deported? Because of how you're from Canada?
Sandy B: No! Not now! I just did a good business thing that is not relevant to the plot! And I've built up my empire! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME, NOT NOW, WHEN BUSINESS IS SO GOOD.
Ryan "Lost in Your Eyes" Reynolds: There's someone on the phone for you, but I told them you were otherwise engaged...
[a literal DING occurs in the SCORE]
Sandy B: THAT'S IT!! Yeah, my assistant and I are getting married, so it's all good. I'll get a green card from him. I love him.
[they pretend to LOVE each other, but because they HATE each other, it is HILARIOUS]
Ryan "Lickable Face" Reynolds: I don't understand what's happening, but I'm still so, so attractive.
[they work out a DEAL wherein they will get FAKE-MARRIED and he will get a PROMOTION, but they have to go to his FAMILY'S house in ALASKA]
Sandy B: Alaska! That will allow for so many hijinks.
INS Guy: And I'll be watching you the whole time, because we're pretty sure this lady is getting fake-married. These fucking Canadians! Think they can do whatever they want!!
[there are literally HUNDREDS of HIJINKS, including a DOG being kidnapped by an EAGLE]
Mary Steenburgen, Coach, and fucking Betty White: So many family hijinks!!
Sandy B: Well, I guess I'll take a shower...but wait, where are the towels?
Ryan "Holy Christ, Those Abs" Reynolds: I guess I'll just listen to my headphones naked...I need a towel!
[they literally RUN INTO each other NAKED]
Both: Ew, naked!! We hate each other!!
[they have a MOMENT where they OPEN UP and sing "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock and it's ACTUALLY CUTE]
Both: Waaaaaaaaaait aaaaaaaa minute!!! Maybe we don't hate each other! Our worldview is being rocked right now!!
Sandy B: I need to take a walk in the forest to clear my head. Now that I've literally - and metaphorically - let my hair down, I just don't know what's what!
[she stumbles upon BETTY WHITE doing some sort of FOREST RITUAL]
Betty White: Just feel the music! Chant! Chant your vowels!
Sandy B: [booty dances and sings "Get Low"]
Ryan "I'd Hit It" Reynolds: Her booty dancing and awkward singing has made me like her...maybe even love her.
INS Guy: I have caught you! This marriage is a sham!! You have one last chance to get out, son.
Ryan "Sexy Lumberjack" Reynolds: No, it's not a sham!
Sandy B: Um, actually it is. Sorry, everyone.
Everyone: Noooooooo!! All our hijinks were for naught! NAUGHT!!!
[she gets on a PLANE with the INS Guy, and for a SECOND you think she will NOT fly away, but then she DOES]
Ryan "My Other Car is a Sexymobile" Reynolds: Oh no! She flew away! Now I will never be able to tell her how I feel!! Wait a second, that logic is totally unsound. I know exactly where she's going. I'll just go there and tell her. Duh.
[it is their OLD OFFICE, and he DOES, and they KISS and get MARRIED but for REAL, kind of]