11.05.2009

Point Break


[it is LA]
Keanu: I am a super-awesome FBI agent! Just see how I can shoot many things and get a 100% on my shooting things test!
[some guy gives him a THUMBS UP]
Swayze: Check out my awesome surfing skills! I am as good at surfing as Keanu is at shooting things!
[meanwhile, at a BANK]
Dude in a Reagan Mask: We are the Ex-Presidents! Give us your cash!
[they MENACE people but do not KILL anyone and get a bunch of MONEY]
Keanu: Now I will report to my new assignment. I sure hope I get a good case to work on, and a cool partner.
John C. McGinley: Keanu! How can your name in this movie possibly be Johnny Utah? That is not a real name!
Keanu: I promise, it's real.
John C. McGinley: You think you're sooooo great, don't you? Young, dumb and full of cum?*
Keanu: Uh, gross.
John C. McGinley: Well, here's your partner.
Gary Busey: Fuck you! I hate you! But we are partners! Let's work together! Here is some background info about this Ex-Presidents bank robbers thing.
[they INVESTIGATE the bank robbers' CAR but have NO LEADS]
Gary Busey: So I have this theory that the bank robbers...are SURFERS! They only strike in the summertime, and I can totally see a tan line on this guy's butt.
Keanu: That makes total sense. Let's use that admittedly-weak theory to build an elaborate undercover operation that requires me to learn to surf.
[they pretend to SURF on their DESKS]
Keanu: Now to try real surfing.
[there is a SURF MONTAGE and he SUCKS at it]
Lori Petty: You seriously suck at surfing.
Keanu: Maybe you can teach me.
Lori Petty: No! I have too hard an exterior! You will never find out how to connect with me emotionally, never!
[Keanu uses his FBI ACCESS to learn that her PARENTS were KILLED in a PLANE CRASH]
Keanu: So, hello again. I just thought I'd let you know that my parents were killed in a car crash. That's why I want to learn to surf.
Lori Petty: My hard exterior! It's crumbling!! Okay, I will teach you.
[there is ANOTHER MONTAGE]
Swayze: So you're learning to surf from my girl here. Pretty radical.
Other Surfers: Who the fuck is this guy? We hate him! Our natural reaction to outsiders is hate!
Swayze: But he's a famous football quarterback from Ohio State!
Other Surfers: Okay, we love him then.
My Roommate Tina: Surfers do not play football. I'm just saying.
[there is some MORE SURFING]
Gary Busey: Dude, are you conducting an investigation or just hanging out?
Keanu: I'm conducting an investigation!! And hanging out. Simultaneously. It's radical. Also, I think the Ex-Presidents surf on this beach because we analyzed some hair follicles or something.
[he goes to THAT BEACH and encounters some ANGRY SURFERS]
Anthony Kiedis: We are gonna give you some scar tissue!!
[they have a FIGHT and Keanu STARTS to kick some ASS but there are FOUR of them]
Swayze: I got you, buddy!!
[they BOTH kick some ASS and it is GREAT]
Keanu: Thanks, man. I feel really close to you right now. What's the deal with those dudes?
Swayze: They only live to get radical. They don't understand the sea. They'll never get the spiritual side.*
Keanu: Oh. I bet they're bank robbers!
[they RAID the bad surfers' HOUSE but it turns out they are just DRUG DEALERS]
Tom Sizemore: YOU FBI FUCKERS FUCKED UP MY UNDERCOVER PROJECT! DO YOU THINK I LIKE MY HAIR LIKE THIS???*
Keanu: Oops?
[there is a SURF PARTY]
Swayze: Let me take this opportunity to tell you about the BIGGEST WAVE EVER that is about to happen in Australia. I will be on that big wave.
Keanu: I will remember that.
Lori Petty: Remember earlier when you crumbled my hard exterior? Wanna crumble it further?
Keanu: I wanna taste you.**
[they BONE]
Lori Petty: Wait, you're an FBI agent? What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuck?!
Keanu: I'm working a case! It's not about you! I'm sorry I lied about my dead parents!
Lori Petty: I am so betrayed!!
Keanu: Oh well, back to the beach.
[one of his SURF BUDS moons someone...JUST like the BANK ROBBER]
Keanu: Of course! Only a bank robber would moon someone! I'll tail my friend Swayze and see if he cases any banks!
[he DOES]
Keanu: We need to be at this bank! They're gonna rob it!
Gary Busey: Could you just get me a meatball sub real quick?
[they MISS the robbery because of the MEATBALL SUB]
Keanu: Shit! I guess it's time for a foot chase between me and Reagan Mask Guy!
[there is a VERY LONG FOOT CHASE through many YARDS and HOUSES and Keanu goes through a SLIDING DOOR]
Keanu: You won't get away, Reagan Mask Guy Who May or May Not Be My Best Bud Swayze! I will jump down into this ravine...AAAAGAHHHAHA! My football injury!
[the Reagan Mask Guy, who he SUSPECTS is Swayze, gets STUCK and Keanu could SHOOT him]
Keanu: What if it's my friend? I CANNOT SHOOT HIM.
[he SHOOTS into the air in ANGUISH]
Gary Busey: You could have shot him.
Keanu: I missed.
Gary Busey: You got a 100% on that shooting test! You don't miss.
Keanu: Uh. It was my football injury?
Swayze: Hey man, wanna go skydiving? YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO GO SKYDIVING.
Keanu: I have no proof that he is a robber! And I don't want to blow my cover! What do I do?
[he GOES and it is PRETTY FUN and lasts for like a REALLY LONG TIME]
Keanu: Hey, that was fun!
Swayze: Oh, by the way - I totally kidnapped my/your girlfriend and she's gonna die if you don't assist us in the last bank robbery.
Keanu: WHAAAAAA? Okay. I love her, I guess.
[the last robbery goes HORRIBLY AWRY and people get SHOT and KILLED]
John C. McGinley: Ha ha! Now I get to arrest you for being a bank robber! My comeuppance has come!
Gary Busey: I'll take him in...NO I WON'T SUCKAAAAA
[he takes him to the AIRPORT where Swayze is ESCAPING in a PLANE and there is a SHOOTOUT and Gary Busey DIES and it is ACTUALLY SAD]
Swayze: Get on the plane or I will kill you!! Even though we are friends. Or something.
Keanu: Okay. I will figure out a plan once we're in the air.
[he JUMPS without a CHUTE and they have a MID-AIR fight and it is AWESOME and they BOTH LAND alive]
Swayze: Goodbye. I am going to leave you here in the desert. See you in hell, or perhaps on that big wave I told you about earlier.
Lori Petty: You saved me! I don't even care that you're a liar!
[they SOMEHOW get out of the DESERT, though they have NO CAR or anything]
Keanu: I will track Swayze to the ends of the earth - literally! Because I am now in Australia, where that big wave is going to happen.
Swayze: Good job, dude. You gonna arrest me? Or you gonna let me ride that big wave?
[they GAZE at each other in a MODERATELY GAY WAY]
Keanu: Get on that wave.
Australian Police: What! You let him get away. I guess we'll catch him when he comes back.
Keanu: He's not coming back.***
[he WALKS AWAY, in the RAIN]

**Not an actual line, but suggested by my roommate Stephanie. Could definitely be an actual line based on cheesiness of the rest of the dialogue.
***Actual line that, although I had never seen this movie before, I spoke along with Keanu with the correct delivery.

7 comments:

Steph said...

did i really come up with "i wanna taste you"? it's all a haze of bad red wine and cloud cookie overdose.

Movie Maven said...

Though there was a lot of wine on my part also, I'm pretty sure you did. I'm crediting Tina with "I love how you taste."

Reverend AC said...

I'm sure you've heard of this beauty:
http://la.metblogs.com/2009/10/12/surfs-up-in-hollywood/

Surfs up!

Movie Maven said...

I know!! I'm so pissed it's in LA. It is literally the only thing LA could hold up as a possible reason they better than NYC (which they obviously are not). Maybe I can contact them about an East Coast version.

Mad Phoenix said...

I love you !!! You have brought joy to my mundane Friday morning. I now have the will to live and make it to the weekend.

(Sorry, I just took some vitamins and they're making me a little OTT)
:-)

Movie Maven said...

Haha! I want those vitamins!! (And thanks.)

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

HOW HAVE I NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE? It looks so good! I was on the edge of my seat THROUGHOUT this ultra-condensation! I laughed, I cried!!!!! THREE THUMBS UP.