10.01.2009

The Ugly Truth


Most romantic comedies I can deal with. Some are actually cute and inoffensive and make you want to be adorable all day long. Some are maddeningly stupid, but have funny parts and a likable cast and you're like "fine, whatever." But some...some are so cliche-ridden and so offensive to basically every sensibility I have AND also promote horrible, horrible societal expectations (see last line) that the people responsible should be taken out and shot. Heigl, I may have enjoyed you in 27 Dresses, but you have lost me forever with this one, girl. Butler, I will still fuck you.
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[it is SACRAMENTO]
Katherine Heigl: I'm gonna turn this sagging news program around with my career-woman brazenness! I enjoy checklists and stress!
Her Associate Producer: Girl, you need to get some. Maybe you should go on a heavily built-up internet date! Those never fail miserably!
Katherine Heigl: You're right! I'll just print out his profile and background check and bring them on the date, since I am an overachiever Type A sort of gal.
Kevin Connolly: Um...ya crazy. I'll have bottled water.
Katherine Heigl: You know, bottled water is a waste of money.
Kevin Connolly: I already said YA CRAZY. Bye.
[she goes home and is SAD because LADIES who FAIL at LOVE are SAD]
Gerard Butler (on TV): Ladies! You want to get a man? Get skinny! Get big boobs! Get blonde hair!
Katherine Heigl: Though I am/have all those things, I am outraged at this rampant sexism! I'll show him!!
[she CALLS him and they FIGHT through the PHONE in which she lists her PERFECT MAN TRAITS]
Her Boss: Guess what! I hired that sexist guy to be a commentator on our show!
Katherine Heigl: It's my show!! I am the lady in charge! Look how independent I am!!
Gerard Butler: I'd hit it.
[he makes a NUMBER of COMMENTS that in REAL LIFE would get him SUED or FIRED or PUNCHED in the NECK and/or BALLS]
Katherine Heigl: He gets my goat! I'll take him down!
[she does NOT, but rather gets STUCK in a TREE and is SAVED by her HOT NEIGHBOR]
Katherine Heigl: Oh! He's so hot! But I'm so obviously crazy!
Gerard Butler: You really are. But guess what! I can teach you how to get a man...like a man would! Because I'm a man, and you're a woman, and never the twain shall meet. Or something. Nice tits.
Katherine Heigl: Though I have no real reason to agree to this, I will do what you say to win my hot neighbor.
[many SHENANIGANS occur, one involving VIBRATING PANTIES and a REMOTE CONTROL that could have been EASILY AVOIDED by, HELLO, going to the bathroom and TAKING THEM OFF]
Gerard Butler: She is a piece of work, but goddamnit, I think I love her.
Katherine Heigl: I love my hot neighbor! But also I am starting to warm to this fellow I heretofore hated. I must be the first person in all of romantic comedy** history to do such a thing!
[they dance the SAMBA and then KISS and it is MODERATELY HOT but then the HOT NEIGHBOR shows up and RUINS the MOMENT]
Katherine Heigl: Why do you even like me? Here, let me take out my extensions I got earlier to show you how you don't know me. Also, I'm a control freak.
Hot Neighbor: Uh...okay?
Gerard Butler: I'm out. But not to a different city. Just to a different station. Because I have to help raise my nephew, who is merely a device to show how I have feelings, even though I may not seem like I do.
Katherine Heigl: Feelings! Swoon! And he ordered tap water! That means we're perfect for each other!! Lady things!!
Gerard Butler: No, get lost - I don't want to get hurt. My chauvinist tendencies can be explained away by the One That Got Away! Hear that, ladies - I'm sensitive!
[they are SEPARATED and it is NOT THAT SAD because they are both REALLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE]
Katherine Heigl: That's it! I'm confronting him! At a hot-air balloon rally!!
[obviously, they end up in a HOT-AIR BALLOON together and HASH IT OUT and end up TOTALLY MAKING OUT on-camera]
Gerard Butler: You have tamed this wild beast!
Katherine Heigl: And I'm still totally crazy!
[they BONE and it is ODDLY UNSATISFYING]
Katherine Heigl: [amorous noises]
Gerard Butler: Am I really that good? Or are you faking?*
Katherine Heigl: You'll never know.* Because we live in a society where women are expected to please their man and make sure he doesn't feel "unconfident" by pretending to have a good time in the sack, even if they are bored. And I'm...empowered by the fact that I'm super-good at faking orgasms? Yeah! Maybe. What?

I HATE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH YOU GUYS

**loosely used term, that.

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

rage rage rage

anna, when are we going to write our non-sucking romantic comedy? because i'm ready when you are.

raych said...

This is why I am secretly in love with you. Never go away for so very long again.