8.25.2009

Woman on Top


[it is BRAZIL]
Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a very beautiful girl who was good at cooking. Unfortunately, she had really bad motion sickness, a motion sickness so great that she always had to be on top when she had sex. Then, her husband cheated on her because of this.
Hot Husband: I am a man!! I need to dominate you... sometimes!!
Penelope Cruz: Maldito!! I cannot stay here with this man who does not respect me. I will go to San Francisco, where the men are real men.
[she moves in with her DRAG QUEEN BFF]
Drag Queen BFF: Girl, you can get a job in any restaurant!!
[she CANNOT, because her cooking is FROM THE HEART and it CONFUSES people]
Penelope Cruz: What shall I do? I will cook to forget him!!
Drag Queen BFF: No, girl, you need to do a magic spell! With a mermaid and shit!
[they do some sort of CEREMONY involving a MAGIC MERMAID]
Penelope Cruz: I am now cured of his love. I can focus on my cooking.
[she makes COFFEE, which results in BAD CGI AROMAS wafting about, drawing ALL THE MEN to her]
Penelope Cruz: Ay! I thought you San Francisco men would not bother me!
Good Morning Miami Guy: We are not all gay! Some of us like hot Brazilian women! Listen, I have an idea. Come to the TV station where I work and talk to my boss with me.
[she LITERALLY has a TV show the NEXT DAY]
Drag Queen BFF: Yes, child!! I will be your wacky sidekick.
[everyone LOVES the show because Penelope Cruz is MAD HOT...just like the PEPPERS she uses! heyyyyoooo]
Hot Husband: I must find my wife!!
[he BURSTS into the TV studio with a FUCKING BAND and starts SERENADING her on LIVE TV, because TV studios never have SECURITY or even anyone PAYING ATTENTION enough to stop the FIVE-PIECE COMBO sneaking on set]
Penelope Cruz: Go away! I do not love you no more.
Hot Husband: I will win you with my good looks, silken voice, and South American heat.
Good Morning Miami: So...the station director wants your ex-husband to be on the show permanently. That should cause some shenanigans.
[there is, INEVITABLY, a FOOD FIGHT]
Good Morning Miami: So do you want to go on a date with me?
Penelope Cruz: Okay! Even if it's to make my ex-husband jealous!!
[they go on a DATE but it is BORING]
Good Morning Miami: Oh well, it's okay because guess what!! The network wants to maybe pick up the show!
The Network: Change everything! She's too ethnic, and the lights are too low, and she has a fucking drag queen as a sidekick.
Penelope Cruz: If we must make changes, I do not want this anymore! I just want to love my husband again, because the love of food and the love of a man are all any woman needs in life!!
[she CANNOT love him because of the SPELL the MAGIC MERMAID cast or something]
Penelope Cruz: I will cook the mermaid another offering! But I cannot cook anymore! Kraft Mac and Cheese, save my marriage!!
Magic Mermaid: Kraft? Fuck you.
[Penelope Cruz ALMOST DROWNS, which proves that you DON'T FUCK WITH A MERMAID]
Drag Queen BFF: Oh wait, your husband is back.
Penelope Cruz: Though literally nothing about our relationship has changed, and we haven't really discussed our whole sexual issue thing, I love you again, so that's enough. Let's cook together.
Drag Queen BFF: Do you want to be my boyfriend?
Good Morning Miami: Um...okay!
[they DANCE]

1 comment:

Sid said...

What? Are you serious? She takes her husband back even though he cheated on her? This movie sucks ass!