The Squid and the Whale
[it is PARK SLOPE in 1986]
Little Brother: It's me and mom against you and dad.*
Big Brother: Thanks for that heavy-handed introduction, bro. Now we know what's going to happen to all us privileged white people.
Laura Linney: We're getting a divorce and your dad is moving across the park. Where the houses are more dilapidated.
Jeff Daniels: Don't worry, boys, I'll still love you as much as I ever did, which is to say: only when you're doing something to please me, like pretending to like the same pretentious books as I do and excelling at tennis.
Big Brother: Now that I understand that your love is based on my actions and not unconditional, I will try to be more like you, which is to say: I will be a terrible person.
[he acts PRETENTIOUS but still gets a GIRLFRIEND]
Jeff Daniels: She's not pretty enough.
Anna Paquin: But I am, right?
[she PRANCES AROUND in her SHORT SHORTS]
Laura Linney: Listen, boys. Allow me to tell you far too much about my marriage to your father. That's what good rich white parents do, right? Overcommunicate?
Little Brother: [JERKS OFF at school, smears JIZZ on some girl's locker, and gets DRUNK at HOME ALONE]
Big Brother: I wrote this song totally myself! Like, completely on my own.
[he plays HEY YOU by Pink Floyd and it's like DUDE. did you REALLY think people would NOT NOTICE]
Laura Linney: Fuck. We have fucked up our children.
Billy Baldwin: Don't worry, I'll teach them tennis. And also date you.
Jeff Daniels: He's a philistine! How can you be with him??
Little Brother: I like him. Probably because he's the opposite of you, dad, you fucker.
Jeff Daniels: Gahhhhhh your yelling has given me a heart attack or something!
[he FALLS DOWN in the ROAD]
Big Brother: So...I guess this means my parents are human? I'm going to go scare myself by looking at the squid fighting the whale in the American Museum of Natural History.
[he DOES, and it is PENSIVE]