Horror of the Zombies

This is another selection from the Drive-In Classics 50-pack I got. Every one is a gem!! This movie was originally in Spanish, titled El Buque Maldito (The Damned Ship), and on my DVD it was listed as Horror of the Zombies, but the alternate titles on imdb.com include:
- Das Geisterschiff der schwimmenden Leichen (The Ghost Ship of Swimming Corpses - kind of a misnomer, since they don't really "swim" so much as "emerge")
- Ghost Ships of the Blind Dead (there is only one ship, guys)
- Le monde des morts-vivants (The World of the Living Dead - sort of makes sense since they're apparently in another dimension)
- Ship of Zombies (simple, straightforward)
- The Ghost Galleon (see poster)
- Zombie Flesh Eater (true, but I feel like the title needs to address the ship)
- The Blind Dead 3 (apparently the director had a loose "series" of these movies, the first of which, La noche del terror ciego, was also titled Revenge from Planet Ape, which: what?! Must see)
[it is MADRID]
Noemi the Sexy Roommate: Hey! You! Fashion photographer! I know you know where my roommate - and most intimate friend - Kathy is! Tell me!!
Lillian the Fashion Photographer: Hold on, let me finish berating these models. [to the MODELS] You! In the unflattering pants! Stand up straighter! Now do something awkward! [to Noemi] Okay, that's done. Anyway, I don't know where Kathy is.
Noemi: You do too!!
Lillian: Okay, you're right. I do. Meet me at the pier tomorrow and it'll all be explained.
[they go to an ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, where all LEGITIMATE BUSINESS occurs]
Howard Tucker, the Sporting Goods Magnate: Hi. As you probably know, I'm Howard Tucker, the sporting goods magnate.*
Noemi: Tell me where my roommate-slash-possible lesbian lover is! I didn't come all the way out to the pier in a mini halter dress and platform heels to get nothing!
Sergio, Howard's Henchman(?): Watch yourself, girl! I don't really serve any purpose here than to intimidate people, and that's what I'll do to you!
Howard Tucker: Okay, so basically what we've done is abandoned your sexy roommate and another sexy girl out in a little boat in the middle of the ocean, and we're waiting for someone to rescue them. There'll be lots of news coverage and instant publicity for me!
Noemi: Wait...what?
Lillian: Look, it doesn't make sense to me either. I just hire the sexy girls.
Kathy, on the radio: You guys! A galleon just appeared in the water by us! And there's a bunch of weird fog! We're going to go check it out! Please hurry, it's scary.*
Howard Tucker: And now it sounds like they're in trouble - galleons? This is bonkers. But we won't be able to find them and rescue them. And how will THAT look for me in terms of publicity!? BAD, that's how!
Noemi: I'm going to the police to report you for...something! I'm not really sure what you did, but it's wrong!!
Sergio: Oh, no you're not!
[he LOCKS her in a DUNGEON or something]
Noemi: Can't you bring me some water?
Sergio: Here's some milk...but ok.
[he walks down ONE MILLION HALLWAYS to get the WATER, while Noemi tries to ESCAPE in her PLATFORM SHOES]
Noemi: Damn this 70s fashion!!
Sergio: Ha ha! Your shoes have thwarted your escape through the many hallways of this warehouse! Now I will choke you...maybe? Or rape you, or something? I'm not sure what's going on.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: I'm just...so...tired...
[she SLEEPS for a while]
Kathy: Oh, maybe I'll look around the galleon. But first, a nap.
[she SLEEPS some more]
Kathy: Where's my sexy friend? She seems to have disappeared. Oh well, I'll just take another nap.
Howard Tucker: Well, the boat's disappeared. My helicopter can't find it. We better consult and expert.
Lillian: An expert in what?
Howard Tucker: Um...meteorology and 16th century galleons? That's a thing, right?
Dr. Midget: Yes! That's me, the tiny man with the voice of Will Arnett! It sounds like something spooky is going on. The best thing to do is to go out to the ocean and investigate, all by ourselves, though none of us are prepared for ocean trauma.
[the MOTLEY CREW goes out to the SPOT where the GALLEON supposedly was, but NOTHING is there]
Lillian: What the hell. I wore my good bell-sleeve shirt for this, and nothing.
[suddenly, the GALLEON APPEARS]
Dr. Midget: Oh, there it is - let's all get on it. I think it's in another dimension, btw.
[meanwhile, on the GALLEON]
Kathy: Hello? Anyone? Is anyone down in this scary hold? Is anyone inside these coffin-shaped boxes?
[the SLOWEST ZOMBIES EVER emerge from the boxes]
Kathy: No! No! Get away from me! Stop moving so slowly!
[they do GREGORIAN CHANTS as they CARRY HER AWAY or possibly RAPE her but it's VERY CONFUSING]
Howard Tucker: Well, now that we're on the terrifyingly mysterious 16th century galleon, let's all just take a nap.
Noemi: I just want to find Kathy! I'm going to go look for her myself! But first, I'll have a flashback about how we almost kissed one time...[she DOES] okay, now I can go.
[she ALSO finds the SCARY HOLD and the COFFINS and ALSO gets killed by the SKELETON ZOMBIES, but for like TWICE AS LONG as Kathy]
Noemi: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
[she CLUTCHES at the STAIRCASE and DRAGS herself up]
[the zombies GRAB her and DRAG her RIGHT BACK DOWN]
Noemi: Nooooooooooo!!!!!
[the ZOMBIES cut off her LIMBS and FEAST on her FLESH]
Howard Tucker: I wonder where Noemi went.
Sergio: Who cares? I just found a shit-ton of treasure!! I'm outta here!!
Howard Tucker: Sergio, don't leave me now. I'm frightened.*
Lillian: What the hell is up with this boat?
Dr. Midget: Look, I conveniently found a document that explains everything! They're zombies of sectarian knights, and they float around looking for people to eat.
Lillian: That seems really inefficient. This is a really poorly-managed ghost ship.
Dr. Midget: I know! But it seems to be working for them now...
[the ZOMBIES reappear and they are all like WTF]
Dr. Midget: Don't worry - I have some experience in exorcism.*
[he makes a FLAMING CROSS which SUBDUES the zombies for HALF an HOUR]
Dr. Midget: Okay, now let's get all the coffins off the ship.
[we WATCH as they throw EVERY SINGLE COFFIN overboard]
Lillian: That was a tiring, boring sequence! Now what?
Dr. Midget: Look! Now that the zombies are off the boat, we're back in our own dimension. And there's land here! We can swim it! Except me, I can't swim. You guys go.
Sergio: All I want is my treasure!!
[he DROWNS, because EVERYONE KNOWS you never take TREASURE off a GHOST SHIP]
Lillian: Well, we can still swim ashore. My bell-sleeved shirt will help me swim!!
Dr. Midget: Don't forget to come back for me!
[the GHOST SHIP gets PISSED and starts on FIRE and Dr. Midget is CONSUMED by FLAMES]
Howard Tucker: Well, looks like it's just you and me left. Let's collapse on the beach for a second.
[they DO, but all the zombies EMERGE from the SEA and SURROUND them a la a FOOTBALL-STYLE HUDDLE and it is KIND OF GREAT]


Laura said...

That sounds amazing and true. It also sounds awful.

And is it weird that the whole "ship in the middle of nowhere for media coverage" thing made me think of Balloon Boy? Topical!

Movie Maven said...

They did it for the show.

Steph said...

remember how much we were looking forward to seeing how this movie ended? and remember how weird and unresolved that ending was? yeah, that was awesome.

and i still think it would have been better had the sexy ladies been turned into sexy lady zombies.