[it is a SPACE SCHOOL]
Exposition Teacher: We used up Earth That Was and left for a bunch of other planets on a new solar system, and we "terra-formed" them, which is why they all look like Earth That Was and have air and horses, and then we made this Alliance, which is great. SO GREAT. EVERYONE LOVES THE ALLIANCE.
Little River: But not everyone does.
Exposition Teacher: EVERYONE. DOES.
[it is a SPACE HOSPITAL, where the SAME GIRL is being EXPERIMENTED ON]
Waiting for Guffman Guy: ...so then we just stick this thing into her brain and fuck around with it. Fun, huh?
Dr. Simon: Yeah. Fun.
[he uses a CRAZY PULSE WEAPON to KNOCK OUT everyone in the room and ESCAPE with his SISTER and if you never saw the SHOW, you will be like WHAT but TRUST ME it's GOOD]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Wow, Waiting for Guffman Guy. Just - wow. You are seriously bad at your job of taking possibly-psychic people and doing experiments on them. And for that: you die.
[he does a NERVE PINCH THING that makes the guy FALL OVER, which wouldn't be SO BAD except that there is a SWORD THERE that STABS him]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Now you know how I kill people. Remember that.
[meanwhile, on SERENITY, chunks are LITERALLY FALLING OFF the spaceship]
Nathan Fillion: We better go rob a bank to fix our ship. Do we need to re-introduce the crew?
Zoe: It wouldn't be a bad idea, sir. Some of the people who liked "Firefly" may have convinced their friends to see the movie without having seen the show.
Nathan Fillion: Can't say that's much of an idea, but all right. Where's your husband, the pilot?
Alan Tudyk: Over here! Being wacky and wearing a Hawaiian shirt!
Nathan Fillion: And Kaylee, our mechanic?
Kaylee: Right here, cap'n! Just fixin' up Serenity so she runs good for this job. And thinkin' 'bout the doctor. 'Cause I got an unrequited love for him.
Dr. Simon: She does. It's...mutual. I don't want to talk about it.
River: [says something POSSIBLY PSYCHIC]
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: I just want to get on with this gorram bank robbery!!
Nathan Fillion: Jayne, settle down and get in the hovercraft. We don't know why you have a girl's name.
[they go ROB a BANK, but are AMBUSHED by REAVERS, who are basically THE WORST]
Nathan Fillion: All right, time for a chase scene.
[they get CHASED and it is EXCITING but they are SAFE at the end]
Dr. Simon: You almost got my sister killed! We're getting off this ship, even though we are fugitives from the law and might not find another crew so willing to protect us.
Nathan Fillion: Great plan. Good luck with that.
[they all go to a SPACE SALOON and meet up with their CONTACTS to do a BUSINESS DEAL]
[she STARES at a JAPANESE-LOOKING COMMERCIAL and instead of having a SEIZURE, totally KICKS everyone's ASS]
Nathan Fillion: What in the rutting -- let's go. You two clearly can't handle yourselves. We better go talk to Mr. Universe about this.
David Krumholtz: Duhhhhh, the commercial was a subliminal message that makes her into an assassin, obviouslyyyyy. You're welcome. I have a robot bride.
Nathan Fillion: Looks like we need to go to that planet she mentioned, Miranda.
Kaylee: But Shepherd Book hasn't been featured in the movie yet! We need to visit him!
Nathan Fillion: Fine, let's go.
[they DO, and he has CORNROWS]
Inara: Also can you come help me, a former sort-of crew member who is clearly in love with you? This is not an Alliance trap at all.
[it is CLEARLY a trap, but they go ANYWAY and SAVE her]
Nathan Fillion: FINE. EVERYONE FROM THE SHOW IS IN THE MOVIE NOW ARE YOU HAPPY.
Kaylee: Yes, cap'n.
Nathan Fillion: Okay, now let's go to that outer rim planet.
Zoe: There's the other issue, that we have to go through Reaver territory to get there.
Nathan Fillion: I know! Let's disguise our ship as a Reaver ship! We'll just strap on some corpses and red paint and pass on through. Good thing the Alliance killed a bunch of our friends.
[everyone is like EW but they know it is THE ONLY WAY]
Alan Tudyk: Is now a good time for another pithy comment? No? Okay, well, we're here on the outer planet.
[the PLANET is totally INHABITABLE but everyone is MYSTERIOUSLY DEAD]
Sarah Paulson: Hi. I'm a recording that will conveniently explain what happened here. See, we tried to stop people from fighting with this drug in the air supply, but it made everyone give up the will to live and they all died. Except for a tiny percentage of the people, who became the Reavers. Sorry, universe! We ruined this world.
Nathan Fillion: Everyone in the universe must know about this! Let's broadcast it, using Mr. Universe's broadcasting equipment.
David Krumholtz: Sure, come on by. This is also not a trap.
[it is ALSO A TRAP]
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: But how we gonna get past them Reavers agin? And what about all the Alliance ships that are sure to be waiting for us?
[they pit their TWO ENEMIES against EACH OTHER and it is AMAZING]
Alan Tudyk: I am a leaf on the wind.*
[he PILOTS the ship EXPERTLY and LANDS it but then gets STABBED by a HARPOON and it is TERRIBLE]
Zoe: I am a soldier! I will not stop to grieve! I will fight!
Dr. Simon: I'm really sad I never did you.
Kaylee: Really? Screw this, I'm gonna live!!*
[they set up a REAVER BOTTLENECK and have a HUGE FIREFIGHT while the captain goes to BROADCAST the message]
River: Guys, I'm going to go defeat the Reavers alone. BRB.
[she goes NUTS with, like, an AXE and it's AWESOME]
The Black Guy from Love Actually: Oh no you don't, captain! We have to have our man-to-man battle! And I need to use that nerve pinch thing again!
[there is a LOT of FIGHTING and it is COOL and NERVE-WRACKING]
Nathan Fillion: Here's the thing about that nerve pinch thing, though: I don't have nerves there. YA BURNT.
[he WINS and broadcasts the THING and everyone is ALIVE except the two that DIED EARLIER]
Kaylee: Yes! Now I can bone the doctor!
Dr. Simon: Wooooo!
Inara: Yes! Now I can continue to look at the captain in a suggestive way!
Nathan Fillion: Woooooo, I guess?!
River: Yes! Now I can not be crazy, mostly!
Zoe: I'm still sad, but also strong.
Adam "Unrelated" Baldwin: Woooooo! Let's go steal somethin'! But have morals about it!
[they DO, we assume]