Lord knows we love a made-for- television movie up in this blog. Such fodder. We had not one, but TWO Lifetime movie weeks! Remember those days, guys? Good times. Laura McClain wants to take us back there. Hit it.
(Also, this movie is apparently called A Clean Kill in some places? And it's very popular in Australia? Whatever.)
[it is AMERICA]
Pretty Brunette: A woman is dead! Her car is at the bottom of the ravine!
Surly Cop: So you want to report a vehicular accident?
Pretty Brunette: No….a MURDER.*
Surly Cop: Okay. Walk along that yellow line through those doors. The line is symbolic or something.
[she and her PEASANT DRESS and PLATFORM SNEAKERS walk slowly down a HALLWAY as many RANDOM establishing shots of HISPANIC people are SHOWN]
Rotund Detective: So, tell me about this dead lady. Who killed her?
Pretty Brunette: Her husband….we were lovers.
Rotund Detective: Okay. What’s his name?
Pretty Brunette: Richard Mannhart.
Rotund Detective: Man heart? REALLY? That’s the best name the screenwriters could come up with?
Pretty Brunette: It’s symbolic!
Pretty Brunette Voiceover: I stopped at a convenience store late one night to pick up some things…
[she WALKS around the STORE looking TERRIFIED for NO REASON]
Patrick Dempsey’s Nerd Friend from Can’t Buy Me Love: This is a stick-up!
Pretty Brunette: Gasp!
[a man GRABS her from BEHIND and COVERS her MOUTH with his LEATHER-GLOVED hand while CARESSING her LADY BITS with his OTHER, UN-GLOVED hand]
Mysterious Stranger: Shhhhhh….don’t make a sound.
Convenience-Store Clerk: [SHOOTS criminal]
Pretty Brunette: But…where did the leather-gloved man go? He saved my life! Also, that caressing was hot.
[she CLEANS her HOUSE while LISTENING to the RADIO]
Radio Announcer: That was Richard Mannhart, acclaimed mystery writer.
Pretty Brunette: That voice! THAT VOICE! It’s leather-glove man!
[she FINDS him TEACHING at a COMMUNITY COLLEGE]
Pretty Brunette: Why did you run from the convenience store?
Mysterious Stranger, aka Man-Heart: I think you have me mistaken for someone else.
[he PULLS on a LEATHER GLOVE so you KNOW it's him, as ONLY HE owns LEATHER GLOVES]
[MEANWHILE, back in the PRESENT]
Some Cops: Your wife’s in pretty bad shape Mr. Mannhart. You’d better come with us.
Man-Heart: Why? I will act suspiciously at my book-signing!
Pretty Brunette: I will go to work editing a movie with a very sinister child in it.
Man-Heart: [SNEAKS up BEHIND her and HUMPS her while WEARING a GLOVE again]
Pretty Brunette: So erotic!
[she GOES back to his CLASS and she CREEPILY takes his PHOTO, and they have a SEXY ENCOUNTER on a ROOF]
Pretty Brunette: So then we started having an affair…it was sexy yet sinister.
Rotund Detective: [LOOKS at her IMPASSIVELY]
[there are MONTAGES of them having SEX on VARIOUS surfaces, though she ALWAYS wakes up ALONE and FULLY CLOTHED, including SHOES]
Man-Heart: I love you so much, baby.
Pretty Brunette: I love you too! I’m tired of sharing you with her - get a divorce!
[they GO to a PARK, where all INTENSE CONVOS occur]
Man-Heart: I’m divorcing her! Take this enormous chintzy ring as proof that I will marry you!
Pretty Brunette: Hooray! Let’s celebrate this occasion by taking pictures in that photo booth!
[they DO and then BONE on a ROCK in like a CAVE or something]
[MEANWHILE, back in the PRESENT]
Nurse: Your wife is in a coma. She’s probably going to die.
Some Cops: So tell us about your mistress. She gave us a lot of private info about you!
Man-Heart: She was just my stuuuuudent! I don’t know how she knows about me! I will
continue to seem suspicious!
[his WIFE dies]
Pretty Brunette: So we were going to get married…but he never showed up to meet my friend who looked like Katie Couric. So I called him to bitch him out.
[she wears a TIERED TEA-LENGTH wedding dress, which is possible PROOF of her CRAZY]
Pretty Brunette: Where are you? You’re supposed to love me!
Man-Heart: I don’t even know who you are! You’re just my stuuuuudent!
Pretty Brunette: Why are you denying me? Is it because your bitch wife is right there?
Rotund Detective: Why didn’t you end it with him?
Pretty Brunette: He was too irresistible!
[he is NOT]
Man-Heart: I’m sorry I didn’t come by, baby…but look! I wrote out our whole affair in my new novel. My writer’s block is cured! It also details how I will kill my wife to take her money and be with you!
Pretty Brunette: Gasp! You cannot do this!
[she READS his TERRIBLE-LOOKING manuscript]
Pretty Brunette: I have to talk to you after class, which I am still taking for some reason!
Man-Heart: YOU’RE JUST MY STUUUUUDENT! STOP STALKING ME!
Pretty Brunette: What is WRONG with you???
[she GOES to tell his WIFE that he is going to KILL her but the WIFE is BITCHY and
Pretty Brunette: I will stalk her to save her life!
[she FOLLOWS his wife in a CAR and totally RUNS her OFF the ROAD while trying to SAVE her, though it is INDICATED that the BRAKES were CUT]
Rotund Detective: Okay. I need some proof that you were his lover to book him. Literally nobody ever saw you together.
Pretty Brunette: I have proof!
[she HANDS him the PHOTO BOOTH pictures]
My Friend Dawn: Well, this is Lifetime….the bitch can’t be crazy. They always side with the chick in these movies.
Rotund Detective: Okay. Thanks. I’m going to get a nice lady cop to take you into another room.
[they WALK her DOWN a HALLWAY past Man-Heart, and she SUDDENLY has a SERIOUS case of the CRAZY EYES]
Rotund Detective: Sorry, Mr. Mannhart. This time...the bitch IS crazy.
[he GIVES him the PHOTO BOOTH pictures, which show her in a Donna Martin hat POSING with his PHOTO and it’s PRETTY CREEPY]