Two Weeks Notice: The Pitch Meeting
So this movie is not actually all bad - I do actually like Miss Sandy and Hugh together, and there were a few actual funny parts. But overall, it's just another rehash of every inane romcom ever and makes two female lawyers act like feuding preteens. Which makes me the sadder that Sandy's listed as one of the producers (a fact I ignored while writing this Pitch Meeting). I legitimately enjoyed Miss Congeniality, Sandy! I even liked Hope Floats a little bit. What gives? Why you gotta give us this schlock?
[it is a CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT conference room]
Hugh Grant's Agent: Listen, my boy needs a hit, and he needs it now. Whaddaya got for me?
Male Film Exec: Let's see, a hit...well, perhaps Hugh could play a British man. A slightly rumpled, but very rich British man.
Hugh Grant's Agent: Hugh can totally do that. He plays both rich and rumpled quite well. And British, of course!
[they CHUCKLE indulgently]
Male Film Exec: He could have a change of heart! About, you know, his morals or whatever. Like, maybe he owns this big corporation, right? But he doesn't know anything about life.
Hugh Grant's Agent: That's so deep. Hugh's going to love that.
Male Film Exec: So he has a change of heart due to...a lady! That he hates at first, but then likes, and then, realizes he is in love with. Yes! This is cutting-edge stuff, right here.
Hugh Grant's Agent: A lady? She's the one who teaches him what's really important in life? This is going to basically change the way we think about film.
Female Film Exec: So this is a chick flick. Great.
Male Film Exec: We're talking, hang on. And the lady could be...oh, someone pretty that people like.
Hugh Grant's Agent: Well, that could be any number of ladies in Hollywood! But no one over 40! Ha ha!
[they CHORTLE heartily]
Film Exec: But we'll want the ladies to relate to her, so she should be almost 40. But just under. And she should probably look around 30. This isn't Dubuque! Ha ha!
Hugh Grant's Agent: I know! That Speed girl!
Female Film Exec: She has a name, you know. And her own production company. And Speed was, like, 10 years ago. And she's a woman, not a girl.
Hugh Grant's Agent: Yeah! Her! Sandy Bullock! Everyone loves her. Plus, she's so pretty!
Male Film Exec: And she can be...a Harvard-educated lawyer. You know, for the smart skirts to relate to.
Hugh Grant's Agent: But she shouldn't be too smart - we want the fellas to find her attractive, too! And you know how guys hate a smart broad.
Male Film Exec: Well, I'm fresh out of ideas. Let me get my writer squad in here. Maybe they can spitball a little.
[a CADRE of MAN-BOY WRITERS enters, wearing a VARIETY of SORT-OF TRENDY shirts]
Writer #1: She can be a hippie lawyer! With hippie parents! Tofu jokes galore!
Writer #2: And he can hire her to work for his company! Wackiness everywhere!
Male Film Exec: But wait - if she's a hippie lawyer, why would she work for him? Everyone knows hippies hate corporations.
Writer #3: Oh, we'll come up with something - like he promises not to destroy something she cherishes if she'll work for him. A community center or something hippie-ish like that.
Writer #1: And then - ooh! And THEN - he can almost break his promise, but since he realizes he loves her, he won't. That's when he learns about life. And makes a romantic speech.
Writer #2: Also I have a great bit about being stuck on the Queensboro Bridge and having to have explosive diarrhea and using an RV bathroom. If we could work that in, that would be great.
Hugh Grant's Agent: This all sounds great, guys, but shouldn't there be a little conflict at some point? Say, with another girl? A younger, hotter one?
Male Film Exec: Sure, sure - maybe Speed girl -
Female Film Exec: SANDRA BULLOCK.
Male Film Exec: Sure, her - maybe she hires this new, hotter girl to replace her as the corporate lawyer.
Writer #3: That'll work. I mean, corporations hire young lawyers with no corporate experience to head their legal departments all the time. It's totes believable. I'm all about realism, you know?
Writer #1: And then - ooh!! And THEN - the hot lady lawyers fight over Hugh! Because Harvard-educated women totally get in catfights over billionaires all the time!
Female Film Exec: This is ridiculous. I'm leaving.
Male Film Exec: Must be on her period! Heyyyoooo!!
[all the DUDES bump CHESTS]
Hugh Grant's Agent: Wow, guys, you have really outdone yourselves this time. Hugh is going to just vomit with happiness. But not explosive diarrhea with happiness. We'll leave that to the funny chick.
Male Film Exec: No problem. As long as they still kiss at the end, everyone's gonna eat this up. Oh, and remember - no punctuation in the title! Even if it's appropriate!