Going Steady (1979)
I know I piqued your interest many moons ago with this post regarding the FIFTY PACK of movies I got, and then wrote one post on ONE movie of the fifty in the pack, leaving you wanting more and never giving it to you. Tease.
Well, I have finally watched another choice flick from the set, Going Steady. I'm a little confused about its provenance, as the 50-movie-pack synopsis says it's from Israel, and the names of the actors certainly sound Israeli (or at least Jew-y, *cough*Rachel Steiner*cough*), but imdb says West Germany? And they all speak English in the film. In any event, it's amazingly ridiculous.
[it is ISRAEL in the 1950s]
Benji, the Main Guy: Yeah!! Driving in a sweet car and listening to American pop music is the best! We're gonna get laid!!
Fat Friend: Even me, though I am fat! Don't forget - I'm fat!
Lothario Friend: Yeahhhhh, ladiesssss.
[they go to the SODA SHOP, where TEENS are HANGING OUT]
Bazoom, the Girl with the Tits: Don't talk to me. I am too hot for you.
Fat Friend: But my friends and I just wanna hang out!
Twins, in Unison: No. We're not whores.*
Bazoom: Don't you have girlfriends?
Fat Friends: Yeah, but they're not here, so we don't have to honor our commitment to them. Let's go to the beach.
Bazoom: Fine. But we're not going to like it.
[they go SKINNY DIPPING, and Bazoom and the Twins STEAL their CLOTHES and DRIVE OFF on some HOGS with some DUDES]
Benji: Oh shit! Now I'm going to have to sneak home wearing nothing but a newspaper!
His Mom: Benji, come greet our party guests. Whaaa? Where are your clothes?!?
Benji: Hi guests. I was just...exercising. With my girlfriend. With the lights off. You should try it sometime!*
[he shows them his ASS as he RETREATS]
Benji: Hey, you know who's hot? Tammy. I love how her hair looks completely like the 70s even though this movie is ostensibly set in the 50s. I think I'll do some moderately creepy, stalker-esque things to try to win her over.
Tammy: Dude, stop stalking me.
Benji: Wait! I know what will get her! I'll eat a series of increasingly crunchy vegetables in a silent library! That always works.
[he eats a CARROT, a stalk of CELERY, a GREEN PEPPER, and finally a TURNIP, and by the end she is SMITTEN]
Tammy: Oh, you!! Disturbing other library patrons with your chewing is delightful!
[they go to a TEEN PARTY at the FAT FRIEND'S house]
Martha, the Bespectacled One: I sure hope Benji doesn't notice my longing stares. He'd never notice me, though, because I have glasses and pigtails. That's why I'm dating the Fat Friend. We're both socially unacceptable to want to fuck. Sigh.
Lothario Friend: Daaaaaaamn, that Tammy girl is hot.
[the DUDES on HOGS roll up and the party dumps WATER on them, which seems like a BAD IDEA]
Benji: Let's go boating!
Tammy: Only if I can put a flower in my hair and hold a bouquet for the entire boat ride.
[the Fat Friend FALLS OUT of the boat because REMEMBER, he is FAT]
Benji: Tammy's so amazing!!
[he goes HOME, singing "Singin' in the Rain" at the TOP of his LUNGS, awakening his PARENTS]
His Dad: Are you drunk?
His Mom: I think he's in love! That is the obvious conclusion from this bizarre behavior.
[another TEEN PARTY happens and he tries to COP a FEEL, but Tammy gets PISSED and BAILS]
Martha: It's my chance! My one chance with Benji!
[she REMOVES her GLASSES and PIGTAILS, and also her CLOTHING]
Martha: Benji, I'm naked, and I love you.
Benji: What the fuuuuuuuuck!
[he RUNS AWAY]
Lothario Friend: Look, I'm about to get laid, okay? So if you guys want to come along, let's go.
[he SNEAKS them in to SOME GIRL'S ROOM, where they WATCH as he BONES her and then the Fat Friend tries to GET UP ON HER and she gets PISSED, obviously]
Lothario Friend: What? You don't like being assaulted? Weird.
Benji: I gotta make up with Tammy. Hiding in a closet watching my friend do some floozy is no fun.
[he DOES, by TRICKING her into coming DOWNSTAIRS and apologizing HALF-HEARTEDLY]
Tammy: You're forgiven, I guess. Let's have sex.
[they are INTERRUPTED by her MOM]
Benji: I got blue balls! What do I do?
Fat Friend: Just put ice on them in the tub.
[he GOES HOME and his parents are having ANOTHER PARTY and there are FISH in the tub for some reason and he has to REMOVE the fish to ice his BALLS]
His Mom: What's going on in there!? What are you doing to my fish?!
Benji: Your fish bit me...on the nuts!*
[they try to DO IT again but are interrupted by HIS MOM]
His Mom: Why can't you be more like Morris, the neighbor boy who plays his violin in his yard?
Benji: Aw, Mom, he's a lame-o!
[he throws LITERALLY a DOZEN EGGS at this kid who is JUST trying to PRACTICE]
Morris' Mom: Your son is throwing eggs at my son again!
Benji's Mom: What? No! He's not even home!* Ha ha!
Tammy: Look, if we're going to have sex, we need a private space. Let's go pretend to be renting an apartment and then just fuck in the vacant apartment the agent will give us keys to.
[they go to a VACANT PAD and get NAKED and then just HUG and WEEP a SINGLE TEAR]
Lothario Friend: Another partayyyy! And another opportunity for drama. Hey, Fat Friend, you know Benji balled your girl, right?
Fat Friend: Noooooo!
Martha: I'm a whoooooooore!!
[everyone is SAD]
Some Random Girl: So I'm going on a big road trip tomorrow. You wanna come?
Benji: What? No. Okay, yes. I'll see you at your house.
Tammy: I still love Benji! But I cannot show him! Or tell him!
Fat Friend: Tammy still loves you! But she is too proud!
Benji: I can't go on the road trip, Random Girl. Here, take Fat Friend instead.
[he RUNS like a MUPPET to Tammy's HOUSE, where he THREATENS to KILL HIMSELF]
Tammy: You wouldn't kill yourself!
Benji: Oh, wouldn't I?
[he JUMPS off a BUILDING but just onto a BALCONY but she thinks he's DEAD and RUNS DOWN but he is NOT DEAD and they HUG]
Tammy: I love how emotionally manipulative you are!
Benji: Me too, Tammy. Me too.