Me, Myself, and Irene: The Pitch Meeting
[it is HOLLYWOOD]
Film Exec: We're looking for something new, something edgy, something with a lotta heart and a lotta farts. Call up those Farrelly brothers. You know, with the one with the jizz in the hair.
Film Exec's Assistant: Right away, boss!
[he LITERALLY RUNS to the phone]
Bobby Farrelly: Listen, we got this great new idea. You know how mental illness is so hilarious?
Film Exec: Well, sure I do!
Bobby Farrelly: Of course! There's nothing funnier than someone with a disease that's misunderstood by most of the population, a misunderstanding perpetuated by all sorts of media!
Peter Farrelly: So what we'd like to do is make a movie about a guy with two personalities - you know, schizophrenia!
Film Exec's Assistant: Um, isn't schizophrenia a disorder that causes the sufferer to experience a break with reality? That isn't the same as what people refer to as "multiple personality disorder" but is now officially called "dissociative identity disorder"? And wouldn't equating schizophrenia with multiple personalities make it even more difficult for those who live with it to--
Film Exec: Get me a coffee and stop talking! All this gobbledy-gook is going to confuse our audience! And confused audiences don't see more movies!
Bobby Farrelly: That's right, sir! We're going to keep this nice and simple. Just call it schizophrenia.
Peter Farrelly: But this movie isn't just about a guy with multiple personalities, one of which makes a lot of off-color jokes and is extremely sexual in a hilarious manner. No - this movie has black people and white people living together in harmony! Including a black midget!
Film Exec: Sounds great, but we need to make sure these black people are presented in a good light; this isn't a minstrel show. Can they be really smart?
Bobby Farrelly: Sure! But they'll still talk like black people. You know how black people talk! They say "motherfucker" a lot! Talking about quantum physics will be so much more hilarious if the word "motherfucker" is in there.
Peter Farrelly: Yeah, they'll be the really smart illegitimate children of the wife of the schizophrenic guy, who had an affair with a black midget! Wacky!!
Film Exec's Assistant: Schizophrenic doesn't mean--
Bobby Farrelly: Whatever. Look, we've got Jim Carrey talking, he's riding high on the fumes of Man on the Moon, and needs to get back to what he does best: make funny faces and contort his body.
Peter Farrelly: We could even have a scene where his two personalities have a fight! Jim can really show off his skills at punching himself in the face with that!
Film Exec's Assistant: I don't really think that's how it works.
[he QUIVERS a little bit]
Film Exec: Get me a danish! So, boys, you got a plot for this little number? Or a girl? Gotta have a girl!
Bobby Farrelly: We'll figure something out - like, we figure out a way for Jim and whoever the girl is - somebody skinny and blonde, maybe that "You had me at hello" chick - to go on some sort of road trip, so there are multiple opportunities for hijinks.
Peter Farrelly: They can meet hilarious characters along the way, like an albino kid who claims he murdered his whole family!
Bobby Farrelly: Maybe they're on the lam for some reason. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that Jim Carrey is going to try to shoot a cow that got hit by a car to put it out of its misery, and when that doesn't work, he will wrestle with it. And if that isn't comedy gold, I don't know what is.
Film Exec: Me neither, son. Me neither.