[it is NEW YORK]
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I am a chef. That is my work, and that is my life. I do not want to date my neighbor, I do not want to go to therapy, all I want is to be in the kitchen and run it the way I see fit. I certainly hope nothing occurs to disrupt my way of life.
Bob Balaban: Well, your boss said you had to come to therapy with me anyway.
CZJ: I'll just use this time to test new recipes on you, since I have no friends.
[she goes to WORK and SHOUTS at a CUSTOMER because she has HER OWN WAY OF DOING THINGS]
Patricia Clarkson: Look, I know we are trying to establish you as someone who does things her own way, but you can't shout at customers!
CZJ: I know how to cook foie gras!! He's an imbecile!!
Pregnant Sous-Chef: Foie gras is cruelty to animals. And yet...I am a chef. Don't worry, this will never come up again, ever.
CZJ's Sister: Hi! We're on our way to visit you! We'll be there soon!
Abigail Breslin: See you soon, Aunt Kate!
[they CRASH and the sister DIES and you are like DUDE I thought this was LIGHTHEARTED]
Abigail Breslin: Now I have a dead mom. Bring me my one million stuffed animals to make me feel better.
[there is a SADNESS MONTAGE]
CZJ: My life! My perfect life! Ruined! I shall sob in the walk-in freezer.
Patricia Clarkson: Seriously, take some time off. Your sister just died. GO HOME. We all know you're a workaholic. Just go.
[she ATTEMPTS to feed her NIECE, who likes KID FOOD and not FISH with their HEADS still on]
Abigail Breslin: I know this is supposed to be funny because you don't know how to take care of kids and stuff, but the whole thing how my mom just died in a car crash kind of makes this sad and not funny.
CZJ: I know. Sorry.
[she goes back to work to find a USURPER in her PLACE, playing OPERA]
Aaron Eckhart: ...vinceró!! Oh, hello. I'm just singing some easily-recognizable opera.
CZJ: In my kitchen?! NEVER. Now I hate you for no real reason.
[they GLARE at each other and have a MONTAGE of HATRED]
Abigail Breslin: I'm sad because my mom died. Remember that?
CZJ: Come to work with me! I'm sure my staff won't mind a child just hanging around in a busy kitchen of a fine-dining restaurant!
[Aaron Eckhart CHARMS the little girl, thusly CHARMING CZJ by the Property of Transitive Charming]
CZJ: He's...kind of charming. I thought he was infuriating, though! This is so bizarre! I can't believe I made that kind of 180!
[there is a MONTAGE of FLIRTING]
Aaron Eckhart: Now I will make a pizza picnic dinner with your niece to complete my Charm Plan.
[he DOES, and there is a MONTAGE of PIZZA-MAKING]
CZJ: Consider me charmed!!
[there is a RELATIONSHIP MONTAGE]
Patricia Clarkson: Maybe you should be executive chef, Aaron Eckhart.
Aaron Eckhart: No thanks.
Abigail Breslin: Can we get back to the fact that I'm still grieving for my mom?
CZJ: Let's have a pillow fight and play Monopoly.
Abigail Breslin: Can the feathers bust out of the pillow and fly everywhere? Even though that has never happened in real life?
CZJ: Of course.
[back at the RESTAURANT]
Aaron Eckhart: I got offered your job.
CZJ: I hate you!!
Aaron Eckhart: I didn't take it.
CZJ: Oh, I don't hate you.
Aaron Eckhart: But I am going to move to San Francisco.
CZJ: Okay, I hate you!
[her niece RUNS AWAY to the CEMETERY and he has a CAR or something]
CZJ: Now I need you, so I don't hate you!!
Aaron Eckhart: Make up your fucking mind.
CZJ: I can't! My woman mind is so confused!!
[she is SO PISSED that a customer is COMPLAINING that she STABS a STEAK and brings it, RAW, out to his TABLE, and QUITS her JOB in a SPECTACULAR MANNER]
CZJ: Okay, I made up my mind: I love you. Let's open a restaurant together and make my niece work there.
[they do, and it is CUTE?]