8.14.2009

Guest Post: Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Oh, Woody Allen. Will you ever tire of ScarJo and her giant rack? Laura McClain thinks not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is BARCELONA]
Perky Voiceover: Once upon a time, there were two girls named Vicky and Cristina. One was practical and rational and one was a flighty whore. Guess which one’s the whore.
Scarlett Johansson: It’s me!
[they go to an OPULENT summer home OWNED by Vicky’s COUSIN or SOMETHING]
Patricia Clarkson: Welcome to Barcelona! I hope this summer you have life-changing experiences!
Scarlett Johansson: Me too! Let’s drink some wine!
Rebecca Hall: Not me. I am too sensible to have my life changed. All I want to do is work on my graduate studies and marry that boring yuppie from back home.
Scarlett Johansson: I know you’re the brunette and all, but God, lighten up.
[they GO to an ART show and SEE a BROODING SPANIARD]
Patricia Clarkson: Oh, there’s that mysterious painter! Darling, didn’t he have a tempestuous relationship with his ex-wife?
Her Husband: He sure did! These Spaniards are crazy!
[Vicky and Cristina GO to DINNER]
Javier Bardem: Hola. I saw you across the restaurant. You have sensual lips. Do you both want to come to a remote city with me? Three-way?
Scarlett Johansson: That sounds awesome!
Rebecca Hall: No effing way. I am too sensible for your charms, Spaniard!
[they FLY to the REMOTE city]
Javier Bardem: This sightseeing has been great. Ready to get it on?
Rebecca Hall: How dare you!
Scarlett Johansson: Obviously. Have you SEEN my bleached blonde hair and giant rack? I’m all about it!
[they START to DO IT, but she BARFS from ULCER COMPLICATIONS]
Rebecca Hall: Oh no! Now I have to sightsee alone with this devastatingly handsome Spaniard!
[he LAYS down a LOT of really SOLID lines about LOVE and POETRY and PASSION and she is SMITTEN]
Javier Bardem: Let’s go listen to Spanish guitar. Thus my seduction of you will be complete.
[they BONE OUTDOORS]
Rebecca Hall: My conflicted heart!
Scarlett Johansson: The Spaniard called! He wants to see me again!
Rebecca Hall: Super! That’s great. Yeah. Totally great. I’m really happy for you. Suuuuper happy.
[Scarlett Johansson MOVES IN with Javier Bardem after like, A DAY, and Rebecca Hall’s NEBBISH fiancĂ© comes to Spain]
Scarlett Johansson: Let’s go to a charming amusement park on a double date. More scenery porn!
Rebecca Hall: We are finally alone. Why didn’t you ever call me? I’m going to say “make love” about a thousand times now, making this even more embarrassing.
Javier Bardem: The human heart is a mysterious mistress. Passion is like a peevish child. More ridiculously dramatic things about love.
Rebecca Hall: My heart is broken! But I shall say nothing.
[Javier and Scarlett are AWAKENED by the PHONE]
Javier Bardem: It is my nutso ex-wife. She has attempted suicide again. I must go to the hospital.
[he RETURNS with a BUSTED-LOOKING, but still SMOKING HOT Penelope Cruz]
Penelope Cruz: [in SPANISH] Who’s this dumb trick?
Javier Bardem: Speak English! I want her to understand all of your insults.
[Penelope and Javier get in a SPANISH FIGHT and it’s PRETTY HOT]
Penelope Cruz: Watch me achieve Oscar-level heights of crazy!
Javier Bardem: She’s going to have to live with us. Just for a few months.
Scarlett Johansson: I’m totally cool with that.
[she is CLEARLY NOT]
Penelope Cruz: Come on, dumb blonde. I will show you how to be a true artist.
[she PAINTS and TAKES PHOTOS and COMPOSES MUSIC and is BASICALLY like F-YOU to Scarlett]
Penelope Cruz: I made you a darkroom for your photographs. Let’s make out in it.
Javier Bardem: Finally, my three-way!
[they all DO IT, but Woody Allen is TOO CLASSY to SHOW ANYTHING]
Scarlett Johansson: Even though you are both super hot, I am somehow still unhappy. I think I have to go find myself some more.
Penelope Cruz: But we love you! Threeeeeewaaaaaaay!
[meanwhile, BACK at the HOUSE of YUPPIE DISSATISFACTION…]
Rebecca Hall: I must confess! I love the Spaniard!
Patricia Clarkson: Then you must go to him. Don’t end up miserable like me, in my palatial Barcelona mansion, drinking white wine and sailing on my yacht. Save yourself!
[she THROWS a PARTY to GET Rebecca and Javier TOGETHER]
Javier Bardem: I know that you are in love with me. Come to my home tomorrow.
Rebecca Hall: I cannot!
[at his HOUSE]
Rebecca Hall: Okay, I’m here. But I’m not going to sleep with you. I’m married! And though I won’t mention it, you’ve boned my best friend like, a hundred times.
[they MAKE OUT]
Penelope Cruz: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! My breasts and I are here with this pistol! Why am I not part of this threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeway?!?!?
[she ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS Rebecca Hall in the HAND]
Rebecca Hall: OW! You crazy Spaniards! Barcelona is too intense!
Voiceover: So Vicky and Cristina went home, to be miserable and neurotic, respectively. This IS a Woody Allen movie, after all.

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

first lol of the post: 'hola'
many subsequent lols

Emily said...

"Woody Allen is TOO CLASSY to SHOW ANYTHING"

I'd call it "too g'damn stupid," but maybe that's just me. Truly, it's a tragically wasted opportunity.