[it is PHOENIX]
Kristen Stewart: I must tell you my feelings and exposition in voiceover, for I am not a good enough actress to show you with my face, my face that remains frozen regardless of the situation. I'm moving to Forks, Washington, with my dad, because my mom wants to travel with her new husband or something? Though considering I'm a junior in high school and I seem to hate rain A LOT, this decision seems weird.
Her Dad: Sup. I bought you a truck that will indicate that you are different when you drive it to school, a la Mary Stuart Masterson in Some Kind of Wonderful.
Kristen Stewart: Thanks.
[they are SILENT because they are both LONERS]
Kristen Stewart: Well, time for school. It's so great to be starting a new school in March, though I voluntarily moved.
Fritzi from Camp: OMG let's totally be friends!
Asian Dude: Daaaaaaaamn, who's the new chick?
White Dude: I don't know, but she's hotttttt.
Black Dude: I would also express my interest in her, but that might be threatening.
[everyone goes NUTS over her because people in SMALL TOWNS are EASILY ENTERTAINED]
Kristen Stewart: Whoa. Who are those super-pale, red-lipped hotties over there?
Fritzi: Those are the Cullens. They're super weird. We shun them because they are different.
Not Tony Shalhoub: Welcome to Biology class! You can sit over there next to Edward Cullen.
Kristen Stewart: Hotttttt.
[a FAN blows on her HAIR and he HOLDS his NOSE because of her BLOOD SCENT but really it looks like he JIZZED in his PANTS]
R. Patts: I...have to leave.
Kristen Stewart: I'm so sad! That dude I don't know dissed me! My life is shit!
[he SAVES her from a SPEEDING VEHICLE and STARES at her some more]
Kristen Stewart: Whaaaaaaaaa? You dented the car with your HAND. This is strange indeed.
Long-Haired Native American Dude: The Cullens are not like us. Oh, and my tribe was descended from wolves. You might want to hang on to that info for later.
Kristen Stewart: Interesting. To Google!
[she GOOGLES some legends and one of the HITS literally says The Legend of SLAPPING BEAVER]
Kristen Stewart: Hmm. The information I need is not anywhere on the internet - it's in a book that happens to be in the bookstore in town. Now, to find a reason to go to town...
Fritzi: OMG, we're going prom dress shopping! You have to come, even though you have shown no interest whatsoever in prom!!
Kristen Stewart: K.
[she buys the BOOK and then gets ALMOST JUMPED by some BAD GUYS but is SAVED by R. Patts]
Kristen Stewart: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
R. Patts: Let's have dinner. Well, you have dinner. I'll watch you eat. Creepily. Or romantically? I can't tell anymore.
Kristen Stewart: Hmm. Something in this book has led me to the website I need! I know what's going on!
Kristen Stewart: So, I think I know what your secret is. Let's go out into the forest, alone, so I can talk to you about it.
R. Patts: Okay.
Kristen Stewart: How long have you been 17?*
R. Patts: A while.*
Kristen Stewart: Vampire! I knew it! Yes! I am the Google Master!
R. Patts: You know I could eat you at any moment, right? That's why I jizzed in my pants when I saw you. Your blood smells better than any blood I've ever smelled. I want to eat it all day long. I'm pretty sure everyone over the age of 14 knows that when I say "blood" here...I don't really mean blood.
Kristen Stewart: Oh. Gross. Or hot? I'm not really sure.
R. Patts: It's hot, I assure you. Also hot is the fact that I stand in your room at night and watch you sleep. Totally hot, right?
Kristen Stewart: Uh...right? I guess? Not stalkery?
R. Patts: Can I show you the reason vampires can't go in the sun? It's going to be seriously weird and not hilarious at all.
[he is WRONG, for he stands in the SUN and fucking SPARKLES like a DIAMOND and looks DOWNTRODDEN]
Kristen Stewart: You're so beautiful. I wish I could go on and on about your beauty like I do in the book, but instead I will just stare at you with a blank expression that indicates "enjoyment of beauty."
[they LOOK at each other for, like, EVER and JUMP AROUND on TREES]
Fritzi: OMG - she is totally going out with that weird Cullen dude! Gossip!
[everyone GOSSIPS because they are JEALOUS]
Kristen Stewart: So even though we have known each other for less than a month, and exchanged only a few words: I am in love with you. Like, crazily so. Like Romeo-and-Juliet-on-crystal-meth style bonkers romance. Yet my face will never show it.
R. Patts: That's cool. I can't bone you anyway because I would probably kill you. Want to meet my family? We don't eat humans, so it's cool.
Kristen Stewart: K. Vampires are awesome.
[meanwhile, some ANIMAL has been KILLING people but it is NOT an ANIMAL, it is some BAD VAMPIRES]
R. Patts: No bigs, let's go play baseball.
[they play VAMPIRE BASEBALL, which involves the LOUDEST CRACK OF THE BAT and also RUNNING VERY FAST]
Bad Vampires: Hello. May we join you...IN EATING THIS HUMAN?
[there is a VAMPIRE FIGHT and it is LESS AWESOME than I anticipated]
R. Patts: I have to get you out of here right now because if they eat you I cannot live without you even though I also want to eat you and I love you and I'm so confused.
[there are some SHENANIGANS that end in the BALLET STUDIO in PHOENIX, where there is another VAMPIRE FIGHT that is MORE AWESOME]
Kristen Stewart: Ow! My lifeblood! The bad vampire is biting it!
Mike Dexter from Can't Hardly Wait: You must suck the poison out of her arm, because you love her. I can't do it, because I'd probably kill her. Or something.
R. Patts: To taste her blood and then have to stop myself will be the hardest thing in the world.
[to himself] And that's not the only thing that's hard! Hey-oooo!
[he SUCKS the POISON out, but STOPS, because of his ENDURING LOVE or some shit]
Kristen Stewart: Thanks for not letting me become a vampire. Hey, wait, no - becoming a vampire would be totally awesome and then I could be with you forever!
R. Patts: No, I don't want to deflower you. I mean...dehumanize you. Yeah. This is about vampires. Not premarital sex. In any event, let's go to prom. No premarital sex could happen there!
[they DANCE, but OMINOUS THINGS are happening to set up the SEQUEL]


Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...


I love everything about this.

Kate said...

To my intense embarrassment, I have started reading these books. Although I didn't have any desire to see this movie before, having read your review, now of course I must.

Movie Maven said...

Dude, no shame. I did not seek out the books, but they found me anyway (thanks a lot, Laurie), and I read them the way I watch TLC surgery shows: with fascination and disgust.

But do definitely see the movies - bonkers.

raych said...

If Twitter has given me nothing else, it has sent me here via Kim from Sophisticated Dorkiness, and then I read and then I laughed and then I fell over and died. So, totally worth it.

Also, where HAVE you been all my life?

Movie Maven said...

Huzzah for Kim from Sophisticated Dorkiness, and huzzah for you finding us! We've been here, waiting for you. Welcome!

Emily said...

Hahahahaha - the movie is so very bonkers.

And I will never read the books. I prefer my vamps actually gettin' it on, so will stick with True Blood. ;)

Kate said...

Okay, I'm watching this movie right now, and I think that Robert Pattison's makeup + his eyebrows make him look like a muppet.

sid said...

LOL! This is awesome. You're officially my new favourite blogger.

Movie Maven said...

Aw, shucks. I try.