[it is THE PAST]
Old-Timey Newsreel: ...and so this explorer guy went to this place in South America with a bunch of dogs in a zeppelin. But then he was disgraced when everyone thought the bird he found was a fake. So he's still there, as far as we know.
Little Carl: Cooooooooool. I want to be an explorer too.
[he is SEMI-ADVENTUROUS, so he meets...]
Little Ellie: Hi! Let's be friends! We both like adventures! Let's play in this abandoned house! Wooooo! I want to have adventures! Look, this adventure book has a bunch of blank pages! For my adventures!!!
Little Carl: She's amazing.
[they GROW UP and get MARRIED and have a GOOD LIFE with some BUMPS but overall they LOVE each other and have a CUTE MAILBOX and it is TOUCHING and then she DIES and you are like HEARTBROKEN because Carl is HEARTBROKEN]
Carl: Grump. Now my house is in the middle of a city, across from a sushi place, and I hate everyone. And I won't sell! Ya hear me, ya whippersnappers?!?! I WON'T SELL!
Russell: Hi. I'm Russell. I want to help you so I can get my Helping the Elderly badge for my scout troop. Can I help you? I want to help you. Let me help you, please.
Carl: No. Did you not hear me? I AM GRUMPY BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DEAD. Duh. Go look for a snipe.
Carl: Well, I guess I'm banished to an old-people home. OR AM I?!?! Time for an adventure, Ellie!!
[he puts a MILLION BALLOONS on his house and it FLOATS AWAY]
Russell: I was under the porch. Can I come in? And then can we have adventures?
Carl: Ugh. I guess I'm stuck with you.
[they get caught in a STORM but still get to SOUTH AMERICA somehow]
Russell: Hey! Now I can help you! For my helping badge! That I need to get so my dad will come to the badge ceremony!
[they TOW the house using a GARDEN HOSE and Russell finds a RAINBOW BIRD]
Russell: Look! It's a bird that likes chocolate. I'm gonna name it Kevin.
Dug: I'm a talking dog, and I can talk because of this collar, and I just met you, and I love you.
Carl: Gah! Stop being so whimsical, all of you! Just help me get my house to where it needs to go!
Dug: Also, Kevin is a girl bird. She has babies. She needs to get back to them.
[some OTHER TALKING DOGS track them and take them to where the EXPLORER DUDE is hiding]
Carl: Oh my god! It's my childhood hero! I feel so light on my feet!
Explorer Dude: I'm looking for that rainbow bird. You don't know where it is, do you?
Carl: I don't know anything about the bird. At all. Nope. Nada.
Russell: It follows us! It likes chocolate! I'm very trusting, even to evil-looking characters!
Explorer Dude: Ha ha ha! Now I will capture the bird!!
Carl: No you won't!
Russell: Yay!
[they ESCAPE, but Kevin is INJURED and gets CAUGHT by a NET because Carl's HOUSE is on FIRE]
Russell: You let Kevin get captured! I don't like you anymore!!
Carl: Bah! I'm going to get my goddamn house to Paradise Falls!
[he DOES, and sits down to look at Ellie's ADVENTURE BOOK, which she has filled with PHOTOS of their MARRIAGE that you cannot see CLEARLY because you are RACKED with SOBS]
Ellie's Note: Thanks for the adventure that was our marriage. Now go have another one!
Carl: With her blessing, I will save everyone!
[he DITCHES all his FURNITURE, which is TOTALLY SYMBOLIC, and FLOATS the house up to the ZEPPELIN to save Russell, and Kevin, and Dug]
Explorer Dude: Go away! I will fight you, though we are both old!
[they FIGHT and Carl spits his DENTURES at the Explorer Dude]
Russell: I want to help!!
[he gets SHOT AT by DOGS in PLANES, but eventually the GOOD GUYS win]
Carl: It's okay that my house fell off the airship. Let's go home. We haven't eaten anything but chocolate in days!!
[they go to the BADGE CEREMONY, apparently DIRECTLY from the AIRSHIP, because they are STILL DIRTY, and even though Russell's DAD isn't there, Carl IS there, and then they get ICE CREAM]


Laura said...

I will never stop weeping.

Steph said...

i cried the whole time. i also had a cold when i watched it, so my nose got super stuffed up, and then i couldn't breathe, because the theatre was so quiet i would have made a huge, embarrassing sniffling sound. i was reduced to taking in air through my mouth in short bursts for about 15 minutes. basically, "up" nearly killed me.

BeckEye said...

I cried through the whole damn thing too.

Emily Sue said...

After reading the condensed version now I'm tearing up again.

Movie Maven said...

I had some trouble writing it, actually. GOD. SO GOOD AND SAD.