6.24.2009

Dueling Condensations: Fever Pitch

Once again, we have attempted to capture a movie from two different perspectives: mine and frequent contributor Laura's. I promise you that we did not confer on this, but you will notice that our lines lifted directly from the film? Are the same. Either we've been gchatting too much or this movie is more predictable than I thought.
~~~~~~~~~
Anna's version:
[it is BOSTON]

Baby Jimmy Fallon: I'm all alone in Boston and don't have any friends!
His Uncle: Let's go to Fenway Park, kid! There, I will craft you into a Red Sox Fan, the most pathetic creature in the world.
[he is MESMERIZED by the GREEN MONSTER]
Baby Jimmy Fallon: My life has changed forever. As a man, I shall have an apartment filled only with Red Sox paraphernalia.
[MANY YEARS later]
Drew Barrymore: I am so busy at my busy career-lady career that has something unspecified to do with math! So busy that I only have time to talk with my gal pals while we are doing a semi-trendy workout!
Ione Skye: Let's talk about your love life whilst in a spinning class!
Marissa Jaret Winokur: I am the fat friend! But I am also in spinning class!
Drew Barrymore: I'm just so BUSY! With WORKING!
[Jimmy Fallon brings a FIELD TRIP to her WORK and is CHARMINGLY RUMPLED]
Drew Barrymore: Oh my! He is a schoolteacher, which is a shameful, shameful career! But he is so adorable.
[they arrange a DATE and she BARFS everywhere]
Jimmy Fallon: Don't worry, woman I just met! I will clean your house and brush your dog's teeth, because that is a real thing that real human men do.
Drew Barrymore: Consider my pants charmed off!
Drew Barrymore's Friends: He is adorable, even though he is [sigh] lower-middle class.
Drew Barrymore's Friends' Boyfriends: TAKE US TO A RED SOX GAME. We know you have amazing season tickets.
[they DATE and are all CUTE and SHIT]
Drew Barrymore: Do you want to meet my parents?
Jimmy Fallon: No, I have to go to Red Sox Spring Training. I really - and I mean really - love the Red Sox.
Drew Barrymore: Oh, that sounds fun and innocuous.
[she sees him on the NEWS acting a FOOL with his BOYS, which include a BALD ANESTHESIOLOGIST]
Drew Barrymore: Oh my - perhaps this Red Sox thing is more than I thought it was.
[she INTERRUPTS him forcing his friends to DANCE for tickets to the YANKEE game]
Drew Barrymore: Yes, I am definitely in over my head. But we will work it out!
[for a WHILE, they DO, but then she gets BEANED by a FOUL BALL]
Drew Barrymore: You love foul balls more than you love me!
Jimmy Fallon: No!! I like you so much that I will skip a Red Sox game to go to a party with you.
[it is the BEST GAME EVER IN LIFE]
Jimmy Fallon: Noooooooooooo! What have I doooooooooooone!!
Drew Barrymore: You're dumping me for the Red Sox? WTF.
[they are SAD for a while]
Jimmy Fallon: What have I done NOW? I'm so conflicted!
Kid on his baseball team: You love the Red Sox, but have they ever loved you back?*
Jimmy Fallon: Now I have had an epiphany due to this child giving me relationship advice and life lessons! I will get her back!!!
Drew Barrymore: No, you won't. Leave me alone, I'm going out with my friends to celebrate my promotion at my fancy career!
Jimmy Fallon: Fine!!! Then I will sell my precious season tickets I inherited from my uncle, for they only remind me of you!!
Drew Barrymore's Bitchy Friend: My husband is buying your boyfriend's season tickets for $125,000!
Marissa Jaret Winokur: Are you that rich?*
DBBF: Uh, yeah.*
MJW: Then why don't you dress better?*
Drew Barrymore: Oh no! He's selling his season tickets for me! I must stop him! But as previously explained in this movie, he is a Luddite who does not have a cell phone for some reason, so I cannot reach him!
[she goes to FENWAY and buys a ticket from a SCALPER and LITERALLY RUNS across the field to get to him, because EVERYONE KNOWS you can only regain a LOST LOVE through RUNNING]
Drew Barrymore: Stoooooooooooop! I love you again, though I have no real reason to!
Jimmy Fallon: Uh...okay.
[the Red Sox WIN a THING and the CURSE is OVER]
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura McClain's version comes with this disclaimer:
I liked this movie when I first saw it, but after dating a Cubs-loving man-child, I have become somewhat hostile. Take with a large grain of salt and call me in the morning.

[it is BOSTON]
Heavily-accented Voiceover: Once there was a lonely little boy named Ben. He had no friends and a deadbeat dad, so his scary uncle took him to Fenway Park. Thus his fate was decided.
Little Fallon: I love the Red Sox!
[it is the PRESENT]
Jimmy Fallon: Hi there. My math students would like to meet you and learn about what you do. Also, I am wearing a hoodie with a skinny tie and drive a VW Bug. Aren’t I charming?
Drew Barrymore: Hello. I am a big important math executive.
[the audience GIGGLES]
Jimmy Fallon: So you’re pretty hot. Want to go out with me some time?
[she REJECTS him because he is a SCHOOLTEACHER, and thusly POOR and UNAMBITIOUS]
Her Yuppie Friends: Your boyfriends are usually slick douchebags. Try going out with a peasant for once.
[they HAVE a DATE but she BARFS all night from FOOD POISONING]
Drew Barrymore: You cleaned my pukey bathroom and rented “Road House” for me. You have proven that you are a good man.
[they DATE all over BOSTON and it is actually CUTE and CHARMING]
Jimmy Fallon: I like you so much, but I have a terrible, terrible secret to reveal. I am a rabid Red Sox fan.
Drew Barrymore: Oh. No biggie. I’m sure it’s not that intense.
[she SEES him on TV at SPRING TRAINING and is HORRIFIED by his MAN-CHILD antics]
Jimmy Fallon: Come watch the games with me! Every fucking day! We’ll eat hot dogs and drink beer and I will whine when you refuse to take off work for me.
[she gets HIT in the HEAD by a FOUL BALL]
Drew Barrymore: Yeah…I think I need a break from the endless baseball and quirky supporting cast.
Jimmy Fallon: WHINE! WHIIIIIIIINE!
Drew Barrymore: But let’s go to Paris together on a business trip! Remember, I’m a big math executive?
Jimmy Fallon: Shit. I might miss some sort of day game. Sorry.
Drew Barrymore: You jag. Also, I think I’m pregnant.
[she GOES to PARIS and Jimmy Fallon THINKS real HARD, and then BUYS a Red Sox ONESIE, PROVING that he will be a GOOD dad, or maybe just a dad with MISPLACED PRIORITIES]
Drew Barrymore: Got my period!
Jimmy Fallon: WHINE.
[they GO to a PARTY and it is ROMANTIC, though the SCENE is WEIRDLY long]
Jimmy Fallon: This is the best night of my life! I’m glad I skipped the game for the first time ever.
Douchey Friend: WE WON! I’m on the street and there are topless chicks everywhere!
Jimmy Fallon: NOOOOO! I will take my rage out on Drew.
Drew Barrymore: Get out, you bastard. Take your hoodie with you.
[Jimmy Fallon gets DEPRESSED and WATCHES old RED SOX games, cause he is a GIANT LOSER]
Jimmy Fallon: So, math student, don’t you think I was right? My love of a fucking baseball team SHOULD override all of my real-life relationships.
Wise Child: You love the Red Sox….but have they ever loved you back?*
Jimmy Fallon: OMG. I’m a total douche.
Drew’s Friend: So my husband is buying your ex-boyfriend’s season tickets for a hundred grand.
Marissa Jaret Winokur: Are you guys that rich?*
Drew’s Friend: Yeah.
Marissa Jaret Winokur: Why don’t you dress better?*
Drew Barrymore: I have to stop him! He DOES love me!
[she goes to FENWAY and BUYS a TICKET and then RUNS across the ENTIRE FIELD to get to Jimmy]
Drew Barrymore: Don’t sell your tickets! This one gesture totally cancels out the fact that you were a terrible boyfriend! I HAVE been too rigid!
Jimmy Fallon: Awesome!
[they HAUL her AWAY, but then RELEASE her and the Red Sox WIN the GODDAMN PENNANT because of their LOVE or SOMETHING]

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

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Donny B said...

Aw, isn't that nice of Maria to inform you of updates to 'PlayBoy & Penthous'? So sweet, that Maria.

Also, Fever Pitch? I will never watch you.