The Object of My Affection

[it is NEW YORK]
Paul Rudd: Boo hoo hoo. I am so cute and gay, but my boyfriend dumped me. Woman I just met at a party, can I stay with you in your unrealistically huge 2-bedroom apartment?
Jennifer Aniston: Of course! But you will have to put up with my comically brash boyfriend.
Cousin Ira from Mad About You: Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!! That's me!
Jennifer Aniston: Sigh. I'm so cute and my boyfriend is so gross! This gay dude is way cuter.
[they take BALLROOM DANCING at the COMMUNITY CENTER she works at with OLD PEOPLE and it is ADORABLE]
Jennifer Aniston: A gay best friend! Now I have one! I'm not sure how I made it this long in New York without one!
[they do GAY things like eat ICE CREAM and watch OLD MOVIES]
Jennifer Aniston: Oh shit, I'm pregnant. Don't tell anyone, especially my boyfriend.
Paul Rudd: But what if I go out for coffee with him, like normal gay guys do with the boyfriends of their roommates?
Jennifer Aniston: In the unlikely event that that happens, still don't tell him.
[he DOES do that, but he DOES NOT tell him]
Allison Janney: Hello! Your sister and her husband are here and we're rich!
Alan Alda: And we're ready to hang out!
Cousin Ira from Mad About You: And I am also dropping by!
Jennifer Aniston: So many people! Let me get a fan!
Paul Rudd: You shouldn't be carrying a fan in your condition!
Cousin Ira: "Your condition?" What could that possibly mean?
Allison Janney: It means she's pregnant, you idiot.
Cousin Ira: Woooooooooo! I'm gonna marry you!
Jennifer Aniston: No! I'm not sure why I was even dating you in the first place! Get lost! Forever!
[everyone is CONFUSED]
Paul Rudd: Come on, pregnant lady. Let's go sort out your feelings on a roller coaster.
Jennifer Aniston: This roller coaster sure is helping my morning sickness! Also, I want you to raise this baby with me, like you were its dad.
Paul Rudd: Uh, that is a terrible idea.
[he sees a FATHER and SON and changes his mind about MAJOR LIFE DECISIONS based on a game of CATCH]
Paul Rudd: Okay, I will raise your bastard child with you.
[they GAY around some more]
Jennifer Aniston: Tell me more about your sexual history, since gays and ladies like to dish. Who'd you lose your virginity to?
Paul Rudd: Lisa Jane Parnell.
Jennifer Aniston: A woman!! So there IS hope!!
[she tries to MAKE OUT with him, which is the SECOND WORST IDEA EVER]
Paul Rudd: THANK GOD THE PHONE IS RINGING GET YOUR BOOBIES OFF ME
Tim Daly: I miss you.
Paul Rudd: Oh. Hello, old boyfriend. You hurt me, but I will go away with you for the weekend, because that is a rational thing that people do.
[he DOES, and shares a LAUGH with another GAY when his EX is talking BOMBASTICALLY about PERFORMANCE ART]
Baby Gay: That sure was funny when that guy talked about theater. So gay! Ha ha!
Paul Rudd: We are so gay together! I forgot how much fun it is to be gay sometimes after hanging out with that pregnant lady so much.
[meanwhile, at Allison Janney's SUMPTUOUS MANSION]
Allison Janney: I don't like how you're in love with that gay. That's stupid.
Jennifer Aniston: You're crazy! I'm not in love with him! I totally did not try to make out with him at all. I am not delusional, not in the least.
[he CALLS]
Jennifer Aniston: Oh my god, I miss you so much because I love you...the way straight ladies are supposed to love gays. You know, I love you like we both love shopping. Please, let's go back to Brooklyn.
Paul Rudd: Though this baby gay I just met has lovely blowjob lips, I will return to you, as I am a gay of my word.
[they both go HOME, but she gets MUGGED and a NICE POLICEMAN gives her a RIDE and LOOKS at her with CARING in his EYES]
Nice Policeman: She's pretty, but it looks like she is in a relationship with that gay-looking man. Oh well.
[they have THANKSGIVING]
Baby Gay's Old Dude Friend: Just FYI, Jennifer Aniston: you have an all-gay Thanksgiving dinner. So what's gonna happen when all those gays go away? You're just going to be a sad old fag hag with no one to love you. Ya burnt.
Jennifer Aniston: Thanks, old gay. I have come to my senses.
[literally the NEXT SCENE]
Jennifer Aniston: Well, delivering a baby was hard, but she's here now! And I am somehow okay with Cousin Ira being back in the picture.
Cousin Ira: I'm a joint custodial dad! Woooooo!
Jennifer Aniston: But you should probably move out, Paul Rudd. I'm done with being a fag hag, because that is The Worst.
[eight years LATER]
Paul Rudd: I directed a play with the baby, who is now eight, in it!
Jennifer Aniston: I'm so glad you're in my life, but that I'm not in love with you anymore, and instead am in love with that nice policeman from before.
Baby: I have so many caring adults in my life! Having gays around is great, but being in love with them is not!