Guest Post: St. Elmo's Fire

This movie is basically just "hey! A bunch of actors you know from the 80s! Do we need a convincing plot? Probably not." But Laura McClain tries to make some sense out of it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~
[it is GEORGETOWN]
Voiceover: I knew the seven of us would be friends forever. Even if there is no way in hell this motley crew would ever associate with each other.
[it is a HOSPITAL]
Ally Sheedy: Oh no! Our friends have been in a car crash. Let’s take this opportunity to clumsily establish our characters. I am a yuppie who dresses like a grandmother.
Judd Nelson: I am a young politico superstar! And your douchey boyfriend.
Demi Moore: I am a party girl with massive credit card debt!
Emilio Estevez: I am a squirrelly law student!
Andrew McCarthy: I am a cynical would-be novelist!
Mare Winningham: I am a pushover, and also fat. And pathetic. And a virgin.
Rob Lowe: I am the bad boy. Note my badass feathered hair and dangly earring. I also have a wife and kid. Sorry I totaled your car, fatty.
Mare Winningham: No biggie! Don’t mind my head gash. Do you need money? I love you!!!
[they all GO to ST. ELMO’S, their FAVORITE BAR]
Andrew McCarthy: Life sure is rough after graduation.
Ally Sheedy: Totally! So many big life questions.
[they GET WASTED]
Demi Moore: So I have to pay for my stepmonster’s funeral. But I spent all my money on fur stoles and tacky 80’s décor. I’m so quirky!
Judd Nelson: Yes, you are. Now please go away, so I can bully my girlfriend into getting engaged to me.
Ally Sheedy: I need to have something for myself first!
Andrew McCarthy: Marriage and love are for suckers. I’m so deep.
Everyone: I think Andrew McCarthy is gay.
[he is PROPOSITIONED by a WISE HOOKER that MIGHT be a TRANNY]
Mare Winningham: Come on, Rob Lowe. Let’s go to dinner at my parents’ house. We are bff for some reason. I think it’s cause I enable you. Here’s some cash.
Rob Lowe: [gets WASTED and MOCKS her VIRGINITY and SNAPS her 80’s-ERA SPANX]
Mare Winningham: Sigh. I love him so much.
Emilio Estevez: I am in love with that young doctor we saw at the hospital. Her last name is Beaverman. Nobody will ever make a pun about this, ever. Wasted opportunity.
Andie McDowell: [in a COMPLETE MONOTONE] You seem like a nice guy but you don’t know me at all I am not perfect I am not interested thanks bye.
Emilio Estevez: [ACTS CRAZY and STALKS her some MORE]
Judd Nelson: Hooray, a party at our college bar! Not moving on is the greatest!
[Rob Lowe WAILS on his SAX]
Mare Winningham: This is my new boyfriend. My dad said if I get engaged to him, I get a car.
Demi Moore: Let’s do coke! I’m sleeping with my boss! Pay attention to meeee!
[Rob Lowe’s wife ENTERS with a TRASHY dude]
Rob Lowe: Get your hands off my wife!
Rob Lowe’s Wife: You’re not married to me! You’re married to your friends in the bar!*
[there is a BRAWL]
Judd Nelson: What a crazy night. So, Andrew McCarthy, I’m totally cheating on Ally Sheedy. Don’t tell.
Andrew McCarthy: Love is for fuckos.
Emilio Estevez: I got a job as an attaché to a Korean gangster or something. I’m having a party to impress the Beav.
[there is MAD DRAMA at the PARTY, including SEVERAL breakups]
Ally Sheedy: Thanks for letting me crash with you since Judd Nelson dumped me for not marrying him. Hey, why do you have these unflattering pictures of me?
Andrew McCarthy: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
[they DO IT and she LEAVES her PEARLS on]
Judd Nelson: I want you back!
Ally Sheedy: Umm…I fucked your best friend.
Judd Nelson: NOOOOOO!
Demi Moore: More coke! Won’t anyone notice my cries for help?
[she DRIVES Rob Lowe HOME and he DROPS her KEYS into his PANTS]
Demi Moore: I needed a friend tonight!*
Andrew McCarthy: Let’s move in together, Ally Sheedy!
Ally Sheedy: SHUT IT DOWN.
Rob Lowe: I think I want to get a job on our college campus, cause I never really wanted to leave to begin with.
Frat Boy: Cool. You can buy us drugs.
Everyone: Growing up sucks!
Ally Sheedy: Help me, Judd Nelson! Demi locked herself in our apartment after everything was repossessed due to her shady credit! It is the biggest disaster ever!
[everyone FREAKS out]
Andrew McCarthy: She has locked herself in the room with all the windows open! It’s chilly outside! She’ll DIE!
[they try to BLOWTORCH the WINDOW, and Judd Nelson THREATENS to KILL Andrew McCarthy, and you’re like CALM DOWN, EVERYONE]
Rob Lowe: As the biggest fuckup of all, I am the perfect person to talk Demi off a ledge. Demi, it’s just St. Elmo’s fire. This metaphor makes no sense. Much like this movie.
[they LAUGH because EVERYTHING is SOMEHOW OKAY]
Mare Winningham: You saved her life!
Rob Lowe: I know. And now I’m going to leave my wife and baby and go to New York. I hope I can find someone fool enough to let me play my sax.* But before I go, I’ll deflower you, sensitively.
[he DOES]
Rob Lowe: Bye, guys. Thanks for not holding me accountable for my shitty behavior, or making me pay back my staggering debts.
Everyone: We love you, Rob Lowe! You are the greatest guy ever!
[he LEAVES with his BELOVED sax STRAPPED to his BACK]
Ally Sheedy: I choose me. Cool?
Judd Nelson & Andrew McCarthy: Sure. Whatever.
[they all GO to BRUNCH but not at St. Elmo’s, cause they have GROWN UP]