7.09.2009

Independence Day


[it is AMERICA]
Bill Pullman: As your extremely sexy president, I am so glad it's the Fourth of July weekend. Let us celebrate, America! My adorable child and accomplished wife, who is somewhere else, join me in wishing you a happy holiday.
Americans in Various Cities: But there are spaceships over us.
Bill Pullman: Oh. My bad. We'll take care of that.
[the spaceships LOOM over FAMOUS LANDMARKS as many CHARACTERS are introduced]
Randy Quaid: I'm drunk and have kids! Also I was abducted by aliens once! Crop dusting plane!
Jeff Goldblum: I'm Jewish and divorced, but I still love my wife, as evidenced by the fact that I'm still wearing the ring! And I love science!
Judd Hirsch: And I'm his dad!
Will Smith: And I was supposed to be on leave, y'all! Hell naw!
Vivica A. Fox: It's okay, baby. We'll get married someday. For now, just go to your base and I will meet you there with my child, who is not your child, but you love like he was your own. That means you are good.
[meanwhile, in WASHINGTON]
Robert Loggia: We need to evacuate, sir!
Bill Pullman: No. No, I will stay here and stay strong to prove I am a good president.
Robert Loggia: That...doesn't make sense. But ok.
Jeff Goldblum: No, for reals, you need to evacuate. I know because of science. I used science to get here, and I used science to find where my ex-wife was standing.
Bill Pullman: But you are the ex-husband of my secretary of communications or something. How could you know anything?
Jeff Goldblum: Look, I'm sorry we're both so sexy. But you need to listen to me! It's a countdown! And we're about to get blasted!
Bill Pullman: Oh! Your science is correct. Let's go, everyone.
[literally EVERYTHING EXPLODES as AIR FORCE ONE flies out of the EXPLOSION and it is AWESOME]
Vivica A. Fox: I know! I'll hide from the explosion in LA in this boiler room or whatever attached to this tunnel. I hope my dog makes it!
[the dog LEAPS in SLO-MO into the APPARENTLY FIREPROOF CLOSET]
[meanwhile, in the DESERT]
Will Smith: Check out this dolphin ring I got for my girlfriend. It's so 90s.
Harry Connick, Jr: It's DOPE AS HELL. Now let's fight some aliens.
[they DO, and HCJ DIES and Will Smith CRASHES and PUNCHES the alien to prove his BADASSERY]
Will Smith: Aw HELL naw! I gotta be draggin' yo' heavy ass through the desert. This is some bullshit! More Will Smith-like things!!
Randy Quaid: Hey! Need a ride? We're all going to Area 51.
Will Smith: Hell yes!
[EVERYONE is now at Area 51, even DATA from STAR TREK: TNG]
Randy Quaid: Show us the alien craft that landed in the 50s!!
Bill Pullman: Ha ha ha! There is no alien craft!
His Staff: Uh, actually...
[there is TOTALLY an ALIEN CRAFT]
Will Smith: Oh, and...I have an alien that I punched in the face, or face-like area. Want to study it?
Data from TNG: Yes! Let's do surgery on the alien with no military backup or guns in the operating theater whatsoever!
[obviously, the alien WAKES UP and ATTACKS everyone]
Bill Pullman: What do you want us to do??*
Alien, Using Data's Vocal Chords: DIE.*
Bill Pullman: Okay...nuke the bastards.
[they TRY to nuke them, but it FAILS]
Bill Pullman: Shit.
[meanwhile, at the RUINED BASE]
Vivica A. Fox: My street smarts have gotten me this far, but my man is not here! But there are some injured people.
First Lady: Ow, my insides.
Vivica A. Fox: Don't you worry, first lady, I know a lot about taking care of someone with internal bleeding. After all, I am a dancer.
First Lady: Ballet?*
Vivica A. Fox: Exotic.*
Will Smith: That's right, she's a stripper, y'all! A fine, fine stripper.
[meanwhile, at AREA 51]
Jeff Goldblum: I always thought recycling was important, but now I realize that it's not as important as I thought, and now I'm drunk.
Judd Hirsch: Here. Have some wisdom.
Jeff Goldblum: Your wisdom has given me a brainstorm! We'll give the alien computer a virus!
[he PITCHES his plan and everyone thinks it is SWEET]
Will Smith: I'ma drive that spaceship ALL UP IN THERE. Hell yeah. But first I'ma marry you, baby.
Vivica A. Fox: A dolphin ring! How tacky! But I'm a stripper, so it's okay.
Jeff Goldblum: Their new marriage reminds me of my old one.
His Ex-Wife: Now that we are in a crisis, I love you again.
Jeff Goldblum: Well, now it's time for me to save the planet! Ha ha! That is funny because I like recycling!
[they FLY into the MOTHER SHIP, which uses a MAC-COMPATIBLE SYSTEM]
Jeff Goldblum: The virus is working!
Bill Pullman: I will leave behind my child and be a fighter pilot!
Randy Quaid: As will I! Give me some coffee to sober up first, though.
[they BATTLE the ALIENS and it goes PRETTY WELL but then they RUN OUT of MISSILES]
Randy Quaid: It's okay, I have one nuke left, and though it is stuck in my plane, I will kamikaze myself to save everyone!
His Son: Though I am not Keanu Reeves, I am still his son, and I am proud.
[the PLAN works and all the HUMANS are HAPPY even though some people DIED, but not the IMPORTANT ones]

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Two of the many LOL lines in this post:

"Look, I'm sorry we're both so sexy."

and

"HELL NAW" (each time)