[it is SAN FRANCISCO]
Michael Douglas: Sigh. My 48th birthday. The same age my father was when he leapt to his death from the roof of our house, the house I still live in that reminds me of it EVERY DAY. Well, I guess I better go be a cold, distant businessman.
His Assistant: You have a message from someone named "Seymour Butts." It seems to be...a play on words of some sort? I don't really understand jokes.
Michael Douglas: Cancel my lunch and make a reservation for me and Mr. Butts. Under my name. Ha.
Sean Penn: Brooooo!! You got my hilarious message, I see. I'm so glad we could meet at your fancy club and establish that you are a responsible older brother and I am a libertine. But I did get you a present. It's a gift certificate for a game!!
Michael Douglas: Hmm. CRS. Consumer Recreation Services. That sounds fake, but ok. I have to go do some business now.
[he celebrates a LONELY BIRTHDAY DINNER with a sad, single CUPCAKE]
Michael Douglas: Well, back to work - whaaaaa? The CRS office is in my office building. WTF. I guess I'll stop by.
[he DOES, and they run a HUGE BATTERY of TESTS on him that takes ALL DAY]
Michael Douglas: I have business to attend to!! But I will stay for your battery of tests.
[his application is REJECTED]
Michael Douglas: Whatever, I'm a billionaire.
[he goes home and finds a SCARY CLOWN PUPPET in his DRIVEWAY]
Michael Douglas: Hmm. A scary clown puppet. I'll just bring this inside and put it on a chair like it's a person.
[his TV starts TALKING to him]
TV: Here are the rules of the game: learning the object of the game IS the game. Good luck.
Michael Douglas: Well, away we go!
[he goes back to his SWANKY CLUB and a WAITRESS spills some DRINKS on him]
Michael Douglas: This is terrible! My suits are expensive! I like money!
Waitress: Fine, fuck you then.
[she LEAVES, but he FOLLOWS her because he got a NOTE to do so and it is part of THE GAME]
Waitress: What the hell do you want? Get lost.
[they find a BUM who is having a HEART ATTACK or something and they go to the HOSPITAL but it turns out NOT to be a hospital and it is a TRICK]
Michael Douglas: It's THE GAAAAAAAME!!
Some Hotel: Sir, your credit card is here. Your room is ready. The young lady called to say she was on her way.
Michael Douglas: What? When did I - ? Huh? And did the young lady leave her name?
Some Hotel: I'm sure I...don't know.*
Waitress: This game is crazy!!
[some people try to KILL them a BUNCH]
Michael Douglas: The gaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!!!!!
[he goes home and his WALLS are covered in BLACKLIGHT PAINT and WHITE RABBIT is playing and it is SUPER CREEPY]
Waitress: What is this? This is nuts! I am on your side, for realsies!
[she DRUGS him and he wakes up in MEXICO and is BROKE and LOST]
Michael Douglas: This isn't a game! It's a scam!!
[some more people SHOOT at him]
Michael Douglas: These repeated attempts on my life have made me cherish it. I will rekindle my relationship with my ex-wife now.
[he DOES, but then people try to KILL him again]
Michael Douglas: That's it! I'm taking hostages!
[he takes the WAITRESS hostage because she is NOT a waitress at ALL, but an OPERATIVE]
Waitress: Wait a minute...that's a real gun. What the hell? It's a game! It's all a GAAAAAMEEEE!! Your brother is behind that door with champagne!!
Michael Douglas: Oh REALLY?!?!?
[he SHOOTS as the DOOR opens and KILLS his brother and it is like SO FUCKING SAD]
Michael Douglas: Noooooooooooooo!!!! What have I donnnnnnnnnneeee?!?!?!
[he JUMPS off the ROOF, thus fulfilling his GENETIC DESTINY]
Me: This movie is the worst.
[he LANDS in an INFLATABLE THING and DOES NOT DIE because it really WAS all a game]
Sean Penn: You didn't actually kill me! Happy birthday!
Michael Douglas: This is some fucked-up shit, dude.
Me: This movie is the best!
Waitress: Sorry I lied to you. All part of the game. I'm off to Australia.
Michael Douglas: We should go on a date now that I have my lust for life back, or possibly for the first time.
Waitress: You could get coffee with me at the airport.
[they DRIVE off and the game is OVER...OR IS IT?!?!?!]