[it is 2003]
Helena Bonham Carter: Please donate your body to science, convicted murderer? PLEEEEEEEASE?!? Everyone deserves a second chance.
Sam Worthington: I don't deserve one, but if you kiss me, I'll do it anyway.
Helena Bonham Carter: Though you are a felon, and I have cancer, let's make out.
[they DO, and he signs a PAPER]
Helena Bonham Carter: You won't regret this. For reals.
[it is 2018]
Christian Bale: Go, humans! Fight Skynet! You are the resistance!
[they have an AWESOME BATTLE and he is the ONLY SURVIVOR]
Christian Bale: Nooooooooooooooo!
Sam Worthington: I'm aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!!! And covered in muuuuuuuuuud!!!
[meanwhile, back in the SUBMARINE that is the HEADQUARTERS of the HUMAN RESISTANCE]
Michael Ironside: So we found out that Skynet has a kill list, and we're all on it. John Connor, you're number 2.
Christian Bale: But who's number 1?
Michael Ironside: I don't know, some civilian named...KYLE REESE.
My Friend Deborah: But! Skynet couldn't possibly know that Kyle Reese is going to travel back in time and impregnate Sarah Connor, thus becoming John Connor's father!
[she PUSHES UP her NERD GLASSES]
Michael Ironside: Oh, and we found this radio frequency that disables the robots, so we're going to attack Skynet in four days so they don't kill us, thus killing, like, a lot of human prisoners.
Christian Bale: Oh, we are, are we? We'll see about that. Let me go talk to my baby mama.
Bryce Dallas Howard: That's me! Women love being pregnant! Do you want to listen to your tapes now?
Linda Hamilton [on tape]: So you have to find your father as a teenage boy and send him back in time to knock me up. Does that all make sense? I hope so, because that conversation is gonna be aaaawk-waaaard!
[meanwhile, SOMEWHERE ELSE]
Sam Worthington: Hmm. I wonder where I am. Everything looks so post-apocalyptic.
[a TERMINATOR tries to KILL him, but SUDDENLY -]
Anton Yelchin: Come with me if you want to live.*
[they go to the OBSERVATORY and listen to the RADIO and hear JOHN CONNOR]
Anton Yelchin: I am drawn to him for some reason. Weird. I guess it could be that I'm actually his father, since I travel through time and meet his mother in what is actually the past, but is in my future, but that seems implausible. Oh well. Let's go see if we can find some other humans. Come on, mute child sidekick.
[they find an OUTPOST that has JANE ALEXANDER in it]
Humans: Go away! This is our food and fuel!
[the MUTE CHILD looks FRIGHTENED because she has SKYNET SPIDEY-SENSE]
Humans: Oh shit! Robots!
[one of the ROBOTS releases MOTORCYCLES from its LEGS and it is SWEET]
Sam Worthington: Gooooooo!
[the HK robot takes the humans PRISONER but LEAVES the FELON and he is CONFUSED]
Christian Bale: Okay, let's test this radio frequency plan we have.
[they DO, and it WORKS, though one would THINK that Skynet would have CLOSED this LOOPHOLE]
Michael Ironside: Hmm. There is a lot of activity in the LA area. Send some fighter pilots to see what's going on. Make sure one of them is a hot, ethnically-ambiguous lady. I mean, the only other woman in this film is pregnant! That's not eye candy!
[the FIGHTERS get DOWNED but the HOT, ETHNICALLY-AMBIGUOUS LADY is fine]
Sam Worthington: We should travel together, because it's safer.
Moon Bloodgood: Okay. I will cuddle up to you for warmth, but not in a sexual way. Okay, in kind of a seuxal way.
[they go through a MINEFIELD with MAGNETIC MINES that STICK to him because HELLO HE IS A PROTOTYPE TERMINATOR]
Sam Worthington: Wha...whaaaa? Where am I?
Christian Bale: Don't you mean what am I, you fucking robot! You're a robot, you fucking robot!
Sam Worthington: No, I'm human!
Christian Bale: Seriously...you are a robot.
Moon Bloodgood: But! I fell in love with him that one time when we cuddled and he didn't rape me, because women love cuddling and not being raped! I'm going to put the entire colony at risk to rescue this man-robot I just met.
[they ESCAPE, though she is a MORON]
Christian Bale: Catch him!
[there is a CHASE SEQUENCE that ends in the RIVER with HYDROBOTS, which are COOL]
Sam Worthington: Um, hello? I'm a robot, so I can totally sneak into Skynet? And help you rescue Kyle Reese, since you're so fucking obsessed with him.
Christian Bale: Fine. I guess I trust you now for some reason.
Michael Ironside: Okay, we're going forward with the plan to destroy Skynet headquarters, even though there are probably more humans inside than there are outside it.
Christian Bale: No way man! I should never have trusted you.
[he gets on his RADIO and tells everyone NOT to ATTACK until he SAYS so and they TRUST him because he is a NATURAL LEADER]
Christian Bale: Okay, I gotta save Kyle now.
Bryce Dallas Howard: But what will I tell your men when they ask where you've gone?
Christian Bale: I'll be back.* OH SNAP! THAT IS A LINE FROM THE OTHER MOVIES. People love familiarity.
[he goes to SKYNET and basically HOTWIRES it to GET IN, which also seems like a HUGE LOOPHOLE but WHATEVER]
Sam Worthington: All right, now I'll just interface with the mainframe of Skynet and get all the answers I need...
Helena Bonham Carter's Disembodied Head: Hello. Here are a bunch of news stories that explain what happened in the 15 years you were in a coma. Also, you were built to do just what you did: lure John Connor here so we can kill both him and Kyle Reese. Suckaaa!
Sam Worthington: Too much...information! So...confusing! Reverting...to...Australian accent!
[he RIPS out the CHIP in his HEAD and it is GROSS but he is NO LONGER a ROBOT]
Christian Bale: Kyle Reese! Where are youuuuu!
Anton Yelchin: I'm here! How do you know me? This is weird! I'm escaping now.
[they have a HUGE BATTLE with a NUDE CGI ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER that involves MOLTEN METAL and FREEZING of SAID METAL, but not before Christian Bale gets RUN THROUGH with a HUGE POLE but somehow DOES NOT DIE]
Christian Bale: Thank you for helping me, robot-man. I will hotwire your heart the way I hotwired Skynet.
[they ESCAPE in a HELICOPTER and Skynet EXPLODES]
Bryce Dallas Howard: I don't think you're going to make it without a new heart, since you got stabbed with that huge fucking pole.
Sam Worthington: You can have mine, it's cool. I wasn't really that into it anyway. Plus, this hot, ethnically-ambiguous lady won't leave me alone.
Moon Bloodgood: Even supposedly-badass fighter women love men!
[they give his HEART to John Connor and he gets HIS SECOND CHANCE to be GOOD]
Christian Bale: So now we just get to hang out and try to figure out this time loop thing wherein Kyle is my father, but I'm the one who sends him back in time. Don't think about it too hard, just enjoy the explosions.