5.28.2009

Something's Gotta Give


Is it just me, or does the title of this movie make, like, no sense AT ALL?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
Amanda Peet: Wooooooo! Let's go on vacation to my mom's luxurious summer house that she bought with her hit-play-writing money! I'll wear a bikini and we'll have sex for the first time in our budding May-December relationship!!
Jack Nicholson: Awesome. I say things like "awesome," because although I am 145 years old, I am trying to be young.
[they get BUSTED by her MOM and AUNT in their UNDIES]
Diane Keaton: Wha!?! Who are you? Why are you in my house!? I hate you! Get out of here!
Frances McDormand: As a women's studies professor, allow me to analyze this situation over dinner.
[they have an AWKWARD dinner that I GUESS is HILARIOUS]
Amanda Peet: Okay, we're going to go make out now!
[he has a HEART ATTACK while they are MAKING OUT because of his OLDNESS]
Diane Keaton: Okay, I can handle this situation but also be adorably frazzled!
[she gives him MOUTH-TO-MOUTH, though she HATES him]
Keanu Reeves: Hello. I am a doctor. For real. I am a big fan of your many hit plays, Diane Keaton. Also, you are very attractive for a woman of your advanced years.
Jack Nicholson: Look, I just want to go back to New York and continue dating many beautiful young women.
Keanu Reeves: My medical opinion, which is totally sound, is that you should stay in the area, as a ride in a car or train might kill you, because that is a thing that happens.
Amanda Peet: Well, looks like he'll have to stay with you, mom! Oh, what hijinks will ensue!
[and ENSUE they DO, including him seeing her NAKED, which is TERRIBLE because she is OLD]
Diane Keaton: You are incorrigible! But kind of endearing. I don't know what I think! Women are crazy!!
[they have an IM conversation because that is what 60-somethings DO when they are in the SAME HOUSE]
Jack Nicholson: I am confused...you are not young enough to be my daughter, and yet I still want to have sex with you.
Keanu Reeves: But I also am attracted to you!
Diane Keaton: Oh, the decisions!
[she BONES Jack Nicholson and realizes that SEX is GOOD and they talk about PARIS]
Jack Nicholson: Okay, I'm out.
Diane Keaton: But...I love you. What about our plan to go to Paris on our birthdays? I'm so confused and frazzled!!
Amanda Peet: My dad, your ex-husband, is getting married and it is causing me to have issues! Please some here and go to dinner with all of us!
[Dian Keaton DOES, but accidentally STANDS UP Keanu, who is HEARTBROKEN]
Keanu Reeves: My floppy hair will console me.
Diane Keaton: I am so independent and free!
[she SEES Jack Nicholson with SOME FLOOZY]
Diane Keaton: Wait, no! I am not free! I am a typical woman and I love having a man around! Damn these ovaries!
[she BAWLS and BAWLS and WRITES and WRITES and SUDDENLY she has a HIT PLAY on her hands]
Dian Keaton: All good writers know that the best plays are thinly-veiled autobiographical stories! This will most certainly be the talk of the town!
[meanwhile, in an EMERGENCY ROOM]
Doctor: You need some rest, Jack Nicholson. If you were MY dad, I'd be worried about you.
Jack Nicholson: I am just now realizing that the women I have been dating are very young. Perhaps I will take it easy.
[SIX MONTHS pass]
Jack Nicholson: Hello, Amanda Peet. I have grown a beard to signify that I have changed.
Amanda Peet: I got married and pregnant, because all my issues with my dad got resolved! Oh, and my mom's in Paris for her birthday.
[Jack Nicholson SHAVES and FLIES to PARIS]
Diane Keaton: Whaaaaaaaa?
Jack Nicholson: I came here to tell you that -
Keanu Reeves: Sup, baby.
Jack Nicholson: Whaaaaaaaaaaa???
[he LEAVES and stands on a BRIDGE because the best THINKING is done on BRIDGES]
Diane Keaton: Wait! Keanu said he could tell I was in love with you. He IS a doctor, after all.
Jack Nicholson: Cool. Let's get married.
[they DO and everyone is HAPPY or SOMETHING]

3 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

deux ex conversation-with-keanu-ina

Movie Maven said...

If only all of life's problems could be solved by a conversation with Keanu.

WAIT MAYBE THEY CAN BE
TEXT HIM

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Wow! I wish I'd tried this years ago! All of this time I've been trying to 'budget' and 'internet date' and 'broker world peace' and really, all I had to do was page KR.

conversations-with-keanu.blogspot.com