[it is the FUTURE]
Captain of the Kelvin: Hmm. An electrical storm. That's strange. Let's go investigate.
[it turns out to be a TRAP and there is a FUCKING CRAZY Romulan ship there]
Eric Bana: Arrrrrrg!! Romulans have ears like Vulcans but are mean and bald and have face tattoos! And we are PISSSSSSSSSED. Come to our ship, Captain.
Captain of the Kelvin: All right. You're in charge now, George Kirk.
George Kirk: I shall fulfill my duties as captain by evacuating the ship, thus saving the life of most of the crew, and my wife, who is literally in labor currently.
Mrs. Kirk: George! Our baby just got born on the shuttle! Let's name him after your dad, Tiberius.
[the audience CHUCKLES because people TOTALLY KNOW Captain Kirk's MIDDLE NAME because they are NERDS]
George Kirk: No, let's name him after your dad, Jim.
[he EXPLODES but everyone else is SAVED and it is SAD]
Mrs. Kirk: Noooooooo!!
[it is LATER in the FUTURE in IOWA]
Baby Kirk: Yeah!!! I may be only 10, but I'm gonna drive my stepdad's antique car while blasting Beastie Boys so you know I'm a badasssssssss!
[he CRASHES the car into a FUCKING RAVINE and it is SWEET]
Baby Kirk: I'm James Tiberius Kirk...BITCHES.
[it is VULCAN]
Baby Spock: Greetings, Vulcan bullies. I suppose you have some additional insults intended to elicit an emotional response from me.
Vulcan Bullies: Your mom's human, so your dad's a traitor.
Baby Spock: DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOM!!!!!
[he KICKS their ASSES and bleeds GREEN BLOOD]
Winona Ryder: Spock, you need to decide for yourself what you want to do. Listen to your heart. I know you have one, because you are half human.
Zachary Quinto: I will try to balance these two worlds.
Vulcan Council: You are accepted to the science academy! That's kind of a big accomplishment, since you're half human, which basically means you're retarded.
Zachary Quinto: Dissing my mom again? HELL NO. I'm out. I'm going to Starfleet instead.
[back in IOWA in a FUTURE BAR]
Chris Pine: Sup, pretty lady? I'm just a regular joe who happens to live in the town where Starfleet Academy is.
Zoe Saldana: Get lost, townie. You can call me Uhura. Just Uhura. I am also a badass.
Other Starfleet Dudes: Yeah, townie! That leather jacket is SO last century!!
[he gets his ASS KICKED but is STILL a BADASS]
Captain Pike: Come to Starfleet. I know who you are. Your dad was awesome, and you could also be awesome. I DARE YOU.
Chris Pine: Let me pensively ride my motorcycle and think about it.
Chris Pine: Okay, I'm in.
Karl Urban: Hello, I'm Dr. Leonard McCoy, but I will tell you a story that will allow you to designate me with the nickname "Bones." Also, I may puke on you.
[they go to the ACADEMY and then it is THREE YEARS LATER]
Chris Pine: I will beat this unbeatable test, thus showing that I am a badass.
Zachary Quinto: Who is this guy who beat my test? He must have cheated.
[they have a HEARING or something and TYLER PERRY is there for some reason]
Captain Pike: This just in: the Vulcans are in distress! We're going to send all our cadets there, since the entire rest of Starfleet is otherwise engaged. Good plan, right?
[they all get ASSIGNED places but Kirk is on ACADEMIC PROBATION so Bones SNEAKS him on with MEDICAL KNOWHOW]
Chris Pine: Though I have a black eye and swollen hands, I am still the most attractive man on this ship, and therefore the most qualified to lead you. And also! I think this is a trap.
[it is TOTALLY a TRAP and there are ROMULANS there and a bunch of SHIT happens in SPACE]
Captain Pike: Spock, you're in charge. Kirk, you're first officer, though you basically stowed away on this ship and are constantly flaunting the rules. I'm going to the Romulan ship. brb.
Zoe Saldana: So the Romulans are drilling into the planet with this big flame drill and we can't use our transporter until it's turned off. Basically: this calls for a ground crew.
Chris Pine: I'll go!
John Cho: Me too! Oh, I'm Sulu. I just learned to drive spaceships.
Random Dude in a Literal Red Shirt: Yeah! Let's kick some Romulan ass!
[obviously, he DIES]
Chris Pine: No worries. That will give us a chance to kick more ass.
[they DO, and Sulu does it with a FUCKING COOL SWORD, and then they FALL but are BEAMED BACK just in TIME]
Anton Yelchin: Wictor, wictor.* So basically, what's going on is the Romulans are going to implode Vulcan with some red matter. I hope this news is more palatable in my hilarious Russian accent.
Karl Urban: Dammit, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!* Explain it to me more simply, but keep the accent.
Zachary Quinto: I must save the Vulcan elders! brb.
[he saves his DAD and some other ELDERS, but his mom DIES and it is SAD]
Zoe Saldana: Sorry your mom died. Wanna make out?
Zachary Quinto: I was going to say that's illogical, but then I realized you're mad hot. Totes logical.[they MAKE OUT in the ELEVATOR]
Chris Pine: I am way more equipped to lead this ship than you!! Look at me! Even after a space battle, I am still crazy hot!
Zachary Quinto: I am totally just as hot as you are, I just have a weird haircut. I'm abandoning you for mutiny. We're going to go save Earth from the Romulans.
[Kirk wakes up on the STAR TREK VERSION OF HOTH and gets CHASED by some MONSTERS into a CAVE and it is EXCITING]
Leonard Nimoy: Oh. Sup, Kirk.
Chris Pine: Buhhhhh? Who are you? How do you know me?
Leonard Nimoy: I could tell you, but the Vulcan mind meld is totally more efficient.
[he MELDS to his MIND and EXPLAINS how he is SPOCK, but from the FUTURE and we are in an ALTERNATE STAR TREK UNIVERSE]
J.J. Abrams: That's right, nerds. I can do whatever the fuck I want, because it's parallel, bitches.
Leonard Nimoy: Don't mention any of this to now-Spock, though.
Chris Pine: Aw man! He already hates me! I guess it will be easier for me to enrage him to show that he is emotionally compromised on this mission and I need to take over control of the ship.
Leonard Nimoy: Talk about our mom. We hate that.
[they go to an OUTPOST and find SCOTTY, who is HILARIOUS]
Simon Pegg: I'm Scottish and humorous! Let's beam up now.
[they BEAM to the ship using a FUTURE EQUATION that Old Spock told them]
Chris Pine: You never loved your mom, did you?
Zachary Quinto: NEVER TALK ABOUT MY MOM!!!!
[they FIGHT and almost BREAK the SHIP but Kirk WINS]
Anton Yelchin: We'll go behind Saturn and find the Romulan ship and take them out.
[Kirk and Spock go ON BOARD and RESCUE the CAPTAIN and STEAL the OLD SPOCK'S SHIP with the RED MATTER, all while KICKING ASS]
Chris Pine: Okay, now that we're beamed back on the Enterprise, we can offer you some assistance, Romulans.
Eric Bana: No, I would rather die in agony than accept your help.
Chris Pine: You got it.*
[the Romulans EXPLODE EVERYWHERE and it RULES]
Chris Pine: Yay! We won! Oh wait, we're getting sucked into a black hole.
Simon Pegg: It's cool, I got this.
[he EXPLODES some more shit to DRIVE them AWAY from the black hole]
[they go back HOME and are all READY for more ADVENTURES]