4.22.2009

Invasion of the Bee Girls

I was going to wait until tomorrow to publish this, but I can't withhold this kind of awesome from you any longer.
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[it is AMERICA]
No-Tell Motel Staff: Oh no! A corpse! A corpse in our seedy, seedy motel!
Investigators: This dead man is a scientist. A government scientist. This could somehow be related...to his science. Better call in the Feds.
Federal Investigator: I'm here to look dashing and investigate this crime. Who was last seen with this married man? His secretary?
Hot Science Administrator: No, actually, I'm the head of the department.
Federal Investigator: A woman? In a position of power? My manhood is both threatened and tingly. So, tell me what happened that night.
Hot Science Administrator: Nothing, okay? NOTHING. [pause] Okay, we balled, and we balled, and we balled, until he dropped dead.*
Federal Investigator: Interesting. And hot.
[meanwhile, in the FOREST]
Nude Woman: Hey! I'm just riding my dirt bike - nude!
Nude Man: Awesome! Let's roll slowly down this hill and fuck!
[they DO, and he BITES it]
Nude Woman: Hahahahaha!!!
[like FOUR MORE DUDES die of SEXUAL EXHAUSTION and they call a TOWN MEETING]
Dr. Murder:* So we're not sure what's causing this epidemic, but we're pretty sure the solution is complete sexual abstinence.
Townspeople: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU MUST BE JOKING.
Dr. Murder: No, for real, you guys. I have a theory, but it's so crazy, so insane - I can't tell it!
[meanwhile, in a TASTEFULLY-APPOINTED home]
Husband: Well, complete sexual abstinence isn't going to be anything new around HERE.*
Wife: [looks DOUR and BORING]
Federal Investigator: We need to talk to that Dr. Murder and find out what this "crazy idea" he has is.
[they try to MEET him, but instead see him get RUN OVER by a MYSTERIOUS CAR]
Hot Science Administrator: What could be happening? Let's go to his house and find out.
[they find a GAY SEX DUNGEON at his house, with many shots of WHIPS and CHAINS because gays are KINKY]
Federal Investigator: WHAAAAA?
[meanwhile, at the LAB]
Herb Klein: Boy, science is great, but my wife is so lame.
Hot Entomologist: Maybe we should have dinner. But I'll never take off my sunglasses. Ever. They are the hugest sunglasses in the world.
[they have DINNER and she FLIRTS with him and he CANNOT RESIST because men are HORNY]
Hot Entomologist: Now I will strip for you to classical music. But then I will kill you with my compound eyes!!! Now you know why I wear the sunglasses!!
[she KILLS him with her SEXY BEE POWERS]
Hot Entomologist: Now to add a new bee girl to our arsenal!
[she takes MRS. KLEIN to her LAB, where she and five other women in SEXY LAB COATS slather ROYAL JELLY all over her NAKED BODY, including her BREASTS, which are REAL, and FEATURED HEAVILY]
Hot Entomologist: Yes!! Yes!! She is emerging from the radioactive chamber that makes her into a bee girl! You can tell by her compound eyes! Ladies, expose your bosoms!
[all the assistants RIP OPEN their sexy lab coats and just RUB their own BREASTS]
Hot Entomologist: Now, we'll all make out.
[meanwhile, in an ACTUAL lab]
Federal Investigator: Look! I found a flimsy explanation for what's going on in this science book! That hot entomologist was combining bee DNA with human DNA, and also they are radioactive for some reason! And that gay dude got run over because he was immune to the charms of the killer bee girls!
Hot Science Administrator: It all makes sense! I guess!
[meanwhile, at the SAME or maybe a DIFFERENT tastefully-appointed HOME]
Wife: I'm sorry I've been a sexual bore.*
[she takes off her TOP in an UNSEXY manner, but then takes off her STOCKINGS in a SEXY manner]
Husband: No! You're a bee girl! Get away from me!
[he STRANGLES her with her OWN STOCKINGS, though she is NOT a bee girl because she is NOT wearing SUNGLASSES]
Hot Science Administrator: We need to solve this thing - and fast!
[they bring a GEIGER COUNTER to the FUNERAL of Herb Klein and DEDUCE that the SUNGLASS-WEARING women are BEE GIRLS]
Hot Entomologist: We are found out! We must eliminate everyone else who knows about this!
[she and her SEXY ASSISTANTS try to transform the Hot Science Administrator into a BEE GIRL, but the Federal Investigator SAVES her and BLOWS UP the lab]
Federal Investigator: Good thing that's all over. Let's make out now.
[as they do, we see a BEE resting on a FLOWER as "Thus Spake Zarathustra" plays DRAMATICALLY]

*this guy's name is actually "Dr. Murger," but Steph and I heard "murder" pretty much every time anyone said it. Bonus hilarity!

3 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

If I could only watch one movie, over and over for the rest of my life... it would be this one.

Also, is running over each guy with a car really the most efficient way of eliminating all gay men from the planet? REALLY, BEE GIRLS?

Kate said...

I must see this movie.

"Well, complete sexual abstinence isn't going to be anything new around HERE" made me laugh aloud, alone, in my room.

Movie Maven said...

Kate - no shame. It is a laugh-worthy line for sure. Please watch asap.