The thing is, these movies exist because no matter how tragically terrible they are, they will always, always make money. And like it or not, making money is the purpose of studio movies. (Movies made to make art are usually better, cheaper, and sadly, seen by fewer people.) Here, Laura McClain imagines what may have transpired in Conference Room B of the Columbia Pictures' executive offices.
Note: apparently I got the Canadian poster?
Personal to Michelle Monaghan: Girl, I hope you bought a big-ass house with your Made of Honor money, because you are better than this.
[it is a MOVIE STUDIO]
Important Film Executive: We need a breezy holiday rom-com, and we need it now! What do you have for me, over-educated writers?
Harvard-educated Screenwriter: Well…we were brainstorming about the things a modern lady likes. And we’ve come to some definite conclusions.
[holds up PROMOTIONAL POSTER for Grey’s Anatomy, FEATURING Patrick Dempsey looking SENSITIVE in SCRUBS]
Woman Executive: Squeeeeeeee!
Harvard-educated Screenwriter: Natch. And this might seem a little unconventional…but we have realized that women really, really love weddings.
Important Film Executive: Whaaaa? Have you market-researched this crazy idea?
Yale-educated Screenwriter: Trust us. Here’s the pitch. Patrick Dempsey plays this lady-loving cad.
Harvard: He has this crazy set of rules that his one-night stands have to abide by!
Yale: Like he won’t return their calls on the same day!
Film Executive: Wow! I bet a lot of ladies can relate to that!
Yale: Right. So Dempsey is a cad, and he also has millions of dollars. Maybe he invented something.
Film Executive: Hmm. Something modern, something everyone uses…
Yale: The Roomba?
Harvard: I don’t know if they’ll pay for product placement. How about…coffee sleeves?
Film Executive: Brilliant!
Yale: So, Dempsey lives in some big city, and drives a Jaguar that he can always conveniently park right in front of wherever he’s going.
Film Executive: Hmmm…location. You know, that movie about those old broads getting laid made a lot of Benjamins. And it’s been a while since I’ve seen a lady looking for love in
Yale: Okay, so Dempsey lives in
Film Executive: I’ll say! He’s got it all!
Harvard: But here’s the thing - he DOESN’T.
Film Executive: Whaaaaa?
Yale: I know! See, Dempsey has this friend.
Harvard: This LADY friend.
Film Executive: Uh-oh!
Yale: She’s this friend that he has NEVER HAD SEX WITH.
Film Executive: Is she a dog? She must be a dog, right?
Harvard: Nope! She’s beautiful and “smart” and has a great job.
Yale: We’re thinking something ladylike…maybe magazine publishing? Or art? Something that the gals in the audience can really relate to.
Harvard: So, this lady friend of Dempsey’s has always been there for him. But he doesn’t even see it! They have special traditions like sharing cake and antiquing.
Yale: So, she goes to another country for some reason. It doesn’t matter why.
Harvard: Somewhere with rolling hillsides and castles.
Yale: And princesses!
Film Executive: Ladies love princesses!
Harvard: So as to not threaten the ladies.
Yale: So she goes to
Harvard: The time difference!
Yale: And he goes on a lot of dates with girls who don’t like antiques. And they won’t share their cake with him! They don’t understand him at all!
Harvard: So he realizes that he really loves his best friend.
Film Executive: Wow - after he never appreciated her before. So she comes back, and they have a wedding?
Yale: NO. She comes back…engaged to ANOTHER MAN!
Harvard: A Scottish man!
Yale: A prince!
Harvard: With a giant wang!
Film Executive: NO!
Yale: So Dempsey is crushed, right, especially because the wedding is in a few days. She’s not knocked up or anything, we just want to accelerate the drama.
Harvard: And she asks him to be her maid of honor. Cause of the best friend-ness.
Film Executive: But…he’s a man!
Yale: That’s the twist! A man caring about a wedding?
Film Executive: Ha ha! Preposterous!
Yale: So his friends tell him he has to sabotage the wedding. FROM THE INSIDE. They quiz him on how to the perfect maid of honor. Cause your bros do that for you.
Harvard: And the other bridesmaids are such wacky characters! One is fat, one is a girl Dempsey slept with, and one is just kind of ugly.
Yale: There’s always that ugly friend!
Yale: So Dempsey acts sensitive. He is also frequently shirtless for no real reason.
Harvard: And then they go to
Yale: All the Scottish people think Dempsey must be gay. Because of the sensitivity!
Film Executive: Ha! Hilarious! He’s the furthest thing from gay!
Harvard: And we’ll put Dempsey in a short kilt…
Yale: And we’ll shoot him from below so the ladies can see his balls a little.
Harvard: Ladies love balls!
Yale: So then the best friend realizes she loves Dempsey. So she goes to his room in the castle to tell him -
Harvard: And finds her slutty bridesmaid trying to have sex with him!
Film Executive: Oh no! She’ll get the wrong idea!
Yale: She sure does. So she runs away to the castle to the wedding.
Harvard: Dempsey is crushed. He cannot go to the wedding. His hair has lots of product in it.
Film Executive: We need some comedy so the ladies don’t get too worried. Maybe the fat bridesmaid should rip her dress. From the fatness.
Yale: What lady can’t relate to that?!
Harvard: So Dempsey decides he must see her. But the ferry is gone! How will he get there?
Film Executive: Car? Motorcycle? Fox Searchlight private helicopter?
Harvard & Yale: HORSE.
Film Executive: LADIES LOVE HORSES.
[he COMES a little]
Yale: So, he rides his horse to the castle...
Woman Executive: Squeeeeeeeeee!
Harvard: And he tells her that he loves her! And she loves him too! And they kiss, but not with too much tongue. We don’t want to lose the Bible Belt.
Yale: And nobody’s feelings are hurt. We’ll throw in some stuff about how the Scotsman was a jerk. He’s not even American!
Yale: And then they get married. And her hair looks much better in their ceremony, because Dempsey is her true love.
Film Executive: Sold! Bust out the Cristal.
[they THROW piles of MONEY in the AIR and LAUGH]