Guest Post: How Stella Got Her Groove Back

We haven't seen much of our friend Laura McClain around these parts lately. How fitting, then, that she would return to us with a movie about getting one's groove back. Enjoy.
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[it is the 90s, in CALIFORNIA]
Angela Bassett: I get things DONE. I am a financier, and a single mother and I kind of resemble a female bodybuilder. Sister doing it for myself!
[there are many SCENES that SHOW her GETTING SHIT DONE, cause she is SUPER CAPABLE]
Regina King, her Sister: Girl, you need a man!
Her Other Pregnant Sister: Bokayyyyy!
Angela Bassett: Haven’t I established myself as someone who gets shit done? Solo?
[they LOUNGE in a SPA, INDICATING their DISPOSABLE income]
Victor Garber: Stella, as your boss I have to say that you are a capable lady who…dare I say it…gets shit done.
[though SHIT is GETTING DONE, Angela Bassett DECIDES she NEEDS a VACAY, after WATCHING an AD for JAMAICA that FEATURES her]
Angela Bassett: Hey girl, let’s go to Jamaica!
Whoopi Goldberg: You know it! I’m here to be hilarious and sass it up!
[they TRAVEL to Jamaica, and Angela Bassett SHOWS off her TERRIFYING glutes and abs]
Taye Diggs: Hello there, American cougar. I couldn’t help but notice you and your pink jogging suit. May I join you for breakfast?
Angela Bassett: Boy, I’m old enough to be your mama.*
[Taye Diggs EATS a PIECE of FRUIT in a SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE way]
Taye Diggs: Would you care to come dancing with me at a Jamaican pajama party? This is a real thing.
Angela Bassett: Boy, I’m old enough to be your mama.*
Whoopi Goldberg: Girl, you BETTER fuck that hot young thing.
[Angela Bassett DONS a FORMAL yet SLUTTY nightgown, and GOES to the PJ party]
Taye Diggs: You came!
Whoopi Goldberg: And that won’t be the first time! Boo-ya!
[they DANCE, and then EVERYONE takes off their CLOTHES, and there are lots of MISSHAPEN BOOBS]
Taye Diggs: Good morning! Come swim with me in this pool. I am aggressive, yet charming. Also please notice the way sweat glistens on my youthful body.
Angela Bassett: Are you implying you want to be intimate with me?*
[they BONE, in a very CINEMAX AFTER DARK kind of way]
Angela Bassett: I will tell you my pillow talk secrets. When I was young and in the projects, all I wanted to do was design furniture.
Taye Diggs: That’s nice. I want to be a chef. But now I have to go. I can’t be your stud horse for the rest of your vacay. Sorry.
Angela Bassett: I am irrationally angry! This young piece has gotten under my skin.
Whoopi Goldberg: In more ways than one! SNAP!
[they GO home, where Bassett RETURNS to her LIFE of CAPABILITY]
Taye Diggs: Hello! I am calling you from Jamaica. Please come back.
Angela Bassett: Swoon! I will have an inappropriately intimate conversation with you in front of my young son!
Victor Garber: We appreciate your capability, but you are fired. Please don’t beat me up with your giant biceps.
Angela Bassett: I need another vacay. For…my son. Yeah. That’s right. My son.
[they GO BACK to Jamaica, and she TOTALLY MACKS with Taye Diggs in FRONT of her CHILD]
Taye Diggs: Come meet my parents!
Angela Bassett: Whaaaa?
His Mom: [IMPLIES that Angela Bassett is a WHORE, then pretty much just SAYS it]
Angela Bassett: I am angry! You are a child!
Taye Diggs: Well you’re kind of a bitch!
[the HOSPITAL calls and tells Angela Bassett that Whoopi is DYING of CANCER]
Whoopi Goldberg: Don’t worry about me, girl. You stay with that hot young piece.
Angela Bassett: No way. I am coming to New York to care for you.
[she DOES and it is GENUINELY TOUCHING]
Whoopi Goldberg: [DIES, taking the COMEDY with her]
Angela Bassett: My BFF’s death has made me realize how much I need you, Taye Diggs.
[they GO back to Cali, but there are many GENERATIONAL ISSUES]
Taye Diggs: You’re ashamed of me!
Angela Bassett: Get a job! And stop playing video games with my son who is only nine years younger than you!
Taye Diggs: I want to make this work. I bought you a ring, and cleaned out your garage so you can make your furniture. See, I can make dreams come true for things other than your vagina.
Angela Bassett: I am touched. But this just can’t work. You should go back to Jamaican medical school.
[he LEAVES in the RAIN, obvi, but not BEFORE they BALL in the SHOWER, though she is FULLY CLOTHED]
Taye Diggs: Time to get on this plane…whu??
[he SEES Angela Bassett, who somehow BEAT him to the AIRPORT and MANAGED to COMPLETELY change clothes and HAIRSTYLES]
Angela Bassett: HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT STANFORD?!?!?!
[they MAKE out at the AIRPORT, cause that is NOT CLICHÉ at all]