4.14.2009

Heartbeeps


[it is THE FUTURE, but the 1981 VERSION]
CrimeBuster Robot: CrimeBuster always gets his man!
[it DRIVES around for a while]
Randy Quaid: These robots is malfunctionin'! Let's put 'em on a shelf!
Robot Andy Kaufman: Inquiry: Function?
Robot Bernadette Peters: Response: AquaBot 2000. I am programmed to engage in light conversation.
Robot Andy Kaufman: I am ValetBot. You may refer to me as Val. I am a valet series robot, programmed to store knowledge about stocks and investments, with particular regard to lumber. I would like to know more about those trees in the distance for my knowledge base.
Robot Bernadette Peters: Affirmative. We shall investigate. And we shall take this broken CatskilBot with us.
Catskil: Take my wife! Please!
[they LEAVE the factory and no one NOTICES until LATER]
Randy Quaid: Shit! We're going to get fired!
[they LOOK for the ROBOTS for, like, EVER, including SOMETIMES in a HELICOPTER with a SASSY LADY PILOT]
Robot Andy Kaufman: Let us build a small robot to carry spare parts.
Robot Bernadette Peters: Yes. We shall program it together.
[they BUILD one, and treat it like their BABY, which is WEIRD]
Catskil: [more BORSCHT BELT jokes]
CrimeBuster: CrimeBuster always gets his man!
[it DRIVES around some MORE]
Robot Bernadette Peters: Perhaps we can find some more parts in this junkyard. We are running low on power.
Christopher Guest: Hi there! Welcome to our junkyard. We have a pet raccoon.
[the robots LEAVE because they have FREE WILL or something]
Robot Bernadette Peters: My battery is wearing out. And so is our child-robot's.
[Catskil REMOVES his BATTERY and gives it to the BABY because ROBOTS have FEELINGS and CARE about OTHER ROBOTS]
Catskil: [sad TRUMPET sound]
Robot Andy Kaufman: We're not going to make it. I hope the last thing they circuit-wash from my memory...are my memories of you.*
[they both POWER DOWN and it is SAD(?)]
Randy Quaid: We found them! Our jobs are safe. Toss me another one of those Coors in a bag like Capri-Sun, because in the future, beer comes in bags.
[WEEKS LATER]
Sassy Lady Chopper Pilot: Hey, whatever happened to those robots?
Randy Quaid: We had to junk them :(
[back at the JUNKYARD]
Robot Andy Kaufman: Now we are happy!
Robot Bernadette Peters: And we made another baby robot! Because robots have families.
Christopher Guest: Hooray!
Everyone: WTF

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I don't believe you that this movie exists.

Movie Maven said...

It's in the Top Five Least Believably-Existing Movies EVER