Fast Times at Ridgemont High

[it is a MALL in 1982]
Phoebe Cates: Ugh, I can't believe you're still a virgin and you're 15! Go ask out that older man who is a customer at this pizza place we work at.
Jennifer Jason Leigh: Okay. I'm sure he'll believe I'm 19, and take me out, and then deflower me in a graffiti-ridden dugout of some kind in a deserted area.
[he DOES, and you totally see her BOOBS]
Sean Penn: Whoa! I'm stoned!
Judge Reinhold: Has enough been said about how I'm totally Jason Segel's secret father? No? Let me mention it again here. Also, working at All-American Burger is AWESOME.
[he STRUTS about because he is a FOOTBALL STAR]
Mark Ratner: I want to ask out that cute girl at the pizza place! But I'm, like, the only person in this movie who didn't go on to a huge career. I mean, even the guy credited as "Brad's Bud" has an Oscar!
Mike Damone: Don't worry, friend. My star also fell after this movie, though I am kind of creepily hot in it. I shall help you win this girl, right after I scalp some tickets.
[he DOES, and Mark Ratner and JJL go on a DATE that ends with her THROWING herself at him and him FREAKING OUT]
Jennifer Jason Leigh: I am depressed now!
Phoebe Cates: Well, let me talk some more about having sex with my fiance in Chicago, who may or may not be real. Also, here is how you give a blowjob.
[she literally gives her a BLOWJOB LESSON with CARROTS in the SCHOOL CAFETERIA]
Judge Reinhold: I'm so awesome!
Customer: Give me my money back!
Judge Reinhold: No way! I'm going to kick 100% of your ass!*
Boss: You're fired, Judge Reinhold!
Judge Reinhold: Nooooooooooooooooo!!! My livelihood!!!
[he gets a series of EMBARRASSING JOBS that involved COSTUMES]
Phoebe Cates: God, your brother is so depressing now.
Jennifer Jason Leigh: I know, right? Plus, it's so embarrassing when he has elaborate masturbation fantasies about my friends while we are out by the pool.
[you SEE the FANTASY, bringing the number of BREASTS SEEN to FOUR]
Mike Damone: So my friend really likes you.
Jennifer Jason Leigh: Well, I like you.
Mike Damone: Uh...
[she TAKES off her TOP]
Mike Damone: Oh. I guess I have to fuck you now.
[they BONE and it is NOT HOT because HIGH SCHOOLERS are bad at SEX]
Sean Penn: I ordered food in class because I'm such a stoner!
My Favorite Martian: You anger me so!!!
Jennifer Jason Leigh: I'm pregnant.
Mike Damone: Oh. Sorry.
[he DITCHES her when she goes for an ABORTION, but her BROTHER goes with her]
Jennifer Jason Leigh: So, since I'm a character in a movie who got an abortion, do I need to have a bad life now?
Judge Reinhold: You know what? No. We don't have to do that.
[Sean Penn CRASHES Forrest Whitaker's CAR]
Forrest Whitaker's Little Brother: Oh shit! He's gonna hate us! Let's make it look like our rival school did this!
[they DO, and Forrest Whitaker is SO MAD that he KILLS on the football field and there is a BIG DANCE]
Sean Penn: I want to go to the dance and be stoned!
My Favorite Martian: No, I am going to come to your house and teach you history, because that is a thing that happens.
Sean Penn: Whoa.
Mark Ratner: Even though you knocked up my girl, we can be friends.
Mike Damone: Cool.
Jennifer Jason Leigh: And even though you wouldn't do me, I want to be your girl.
Mark Ratner: Cool.
Phoebe Cates: And even though my fiance from Chicago didn't come for the dance, I am still sexually precocious.
Judge Reinhold:Ugh, this new job is kind of lame, but I guess I gotta do it.
[he gets ROBBED but Sean Penn DISTRACTS the robber and Judge Reinhold throws COFFEE on him and it is SWEET]
Title Cards: Here's what happened to everyone after the end of the movie. Awesome.

1 comment:

BeckEye said...

Thus began JJL's long career of taking her top off.