EDIT: So frequent contributor Laura McClain sent me one of these, like, literally a YEAR AGO, and I didn't read it because I actually wanted to see the movie. Then, I totally forgot about it. Then, she was like "dude. I did this one." So, in a move similar to the Little Children fiasco of 2007, I'm posting both.
[it is NEW YORK]
Abigail Breslin: Dad! Tell me about how you and mom met. My interest has been sparked by the sex ed lecture we had at school today.
Ryan Reynolds: Aren't you, like, eight? That's weird. Anyway, I'm not telling you the story. This divorce is hard enough as it is.
Abigail Breslin: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeassssssssssssse!
Ryan Reynolds: Okay. But I'm going to change all the names so you don't know which one is your mom, because that's a REALLY GREAT IDEA. It was 1992, and...
Elizabeth Banks: Please don't leave Madison, Wisconsin and go to New York to work on the Clinton campaign! You'll never come back to me, your college sweetheart!
Ryan Reynolds: Sure I will, baby!
Elizabeth Banks: Okay, fine, but bring this package to my friend Rachel Weisz. She's really hot. You'll probably want to sleep with her.
Ryan Reynolds: Uh...ok.
[he gets a JOB getting COFFEE and TOILET PAPER at the CLINTON CAMPAIGN OFFICE]
Isla Fisher: Want some copies? And a view of my ass? Because seriously, this skirt is so short that I literally cannot move.
Ryan Reynolds: Uh...I have a girlfriend.
Isla Fisher: And I have a boyfriend. And a bunch of copies of Jane Eyre, because my dad, who died when I was a kid, gave me a copy with an inscription in it right before he died, but then I lost the book. So every time I go to a used bookstore, I buy a copy of Jane Eyre, because just LOOKING in the books would not be enough. No. I have to use valuable book real estate in my New York apartment for a million versions of Jane Eyre. But I'm really just looking for the one my dad gave me. Everyone got that?
[they FLIRT and HANG OUT and SMOKE]
Abigail Breslin: You SMOKED? Gross.
Ryan Reynolds: I know, it was gross. Moving on. So, I kissed her, but that was it. In the meantime...
Kevin Kline: I'm drunk! Who are you?
Ryan Reynolds: I just came to deliver this package. It has a diary in it. I didn't read it. Okay, I did read it.
Rachel Weisz: Oh, that's for me. So now you know that your college sweetheart and me got it on back in the day.
Ryan Reynolds: Yes. And that is kind of hot.
Rachel Weisz: Well, this is my boyfriend/thesis adviser, so I can't date you.
Ryan Reynolds: That's, uh, fine, since I'm going to propose to my girlfriend. I even practiced with that copy girl from my office.
Isla Fisher: He did! No go propose to that girl in Central Park!
[he DOES, and she REJECTS him because of his LIFE PLAN and how it is NOT THE SAME as hers]
Ryan Reynolds: Now I'm depressed.
Rachel Weisz: But now you can date me!
[they have a RELATIONSHIP MONTAGE set to "I've Got a Crush on You" and it is ACTUALLY PRETTY CUTE]
Isla Fisher: Hi! I'm back from Europe! And I figured something out...
Ryan Reynolds: Hold on, I just need to buy an engagement ring real quick.
Isla Fisher: Nooooooooooooooo!! But I love you!!! Now I am pissed! PEACE.
[Rachel Weisz writes a DIRT-SLINGING story about Ryan Reynolds' NEW BOSS and they BREAK UP and he gets ALL DISILLUSIONED and shit]
Ryan Reynolds: So then nothing happened for, like, 4 years. But then...
Isla Fisher: Hi! I'm back in your life!
Ryan Reynolds: And I'm drunk. And I love you.
Isla Fisher: You're telling me NOW?! Asshole.
[he FINDS the Jane Eyre with her dad's INSCRIPTION, because it is SO EASY to find a SINGLE BOOK in the MANY USED BOOKSTORES and he TRIES to give it to her but KEEPS it because she has a NEW BOYFRIEND]
Rachel Weisz: Hi! How are you? I'm pregnant!
Ryan Reynolds: Uh...
Abigail Breslin: Oh god, she's my mom, she's my mom and you're not my dad! WAAAAA
Ryan Reynolds: Settle down. I'm your dad.
Rachel Weisz: So I'm having a party and I think you should come. Someone you know will be there...
Ryan Reynolds: So that's how I reconnected with my college sweetheart, Elizabeth Banks, who is your mom.
Abigail Breslin: I figured it out! I knew it!
Elizabeth Banks:Hi, sweetie! Hi, husband.
[they go to the ZOO but you can TELL that they are totally STILL GETTING DIVORCED]
Ryan Reynolds: Perhaps this is the right time to give that copy of Jane Eyre to my never-girlfriend.
Isla Fisher: Oh my god! Thank you! Thank you so much!
Ryan Reynolds: I've had it for a while.
Isla Fisher: Ok, now I'm pissed. Leave my office.
Everyone: Oh my god, we all know they are meant to be together, just get it over with.
Abigail Breslin: Let's go to Brooklyn and you can tell her the story too!
[they DO, and there is some INTERCOM HUMOR, but they eventually KISS and everything is COOL and Elizabeth Banks is, like, FORGOTTEN]
Your move, McClain.
[it is NOW in
Ryan Reynolds: Sigh. I am unhappy.
[he RECEIVES a PACKAGE containing DIVORCE papers]
Ryan Reynolds: My advertising job is meaningless. My marriage is ending. Luckily I have the cutest child in the world. Time to pick her up from school.
[he WALKS through
Yuppie Parent: Did you hear they gave the big sex ed talk today?
[there is general DISARRAY, as YUPPIES are OVERPROTECTIVE]
Abigail Breslin: Dad, this talk about penises and the thrusting required to make a baby has piqued my impish curiosity about my mom. How did you fall in love?
Ryan Reynolds: I’m not telling you.
[she WHINES a lot UNTIL he GIVES in]
Ryan Reynolds: Ugh, fine. I will tell you the story, but I’m changing all the names and not telling you who your mom is for some reason.
Abigail Breslin: Works for me. I am one of those wise children who will most likely teach you to love again.
[it is the PAST]
Ryan Reynolds: I cannot wait to leave
Drunken Roommate: UW! WOOOOO!
Elizabeth Banks: You’re leaving forever!
Ryan Reynolds: Of COURSE it won’t.
Elizabeth Banks: Please deliver this leather-bound journal to my friend who you have never met. I don’t know why I can’t just mail it.
[Ryan Reynolds GOES to NY to WORK for Bill Clinton BECAUSE he is CORN-FED and IDEALISTIC]
Ryan Reynolds: Hooray for democracy! I’m Midwestern!
Cranky Office Worker: Go change the urinal cakes.
Ryan Reynolds: Curse my idealism!
Isla Fisher: I’m making copies in my fleece shirt and combat boots. I also love Nirvana. Any more 90’s stereotypes? Anyone?
Ryan Reynolds: Can I bum a cigarette?
Abigail Breslin: You SMOKED?!?!?
[she is DISMAYED and it is ADORABLE]
Ryan Reynolds: Whoops.
[it is the PAST again]
Isla Fisher: I bet I can smoke faster than you.
[they have a SEXUALLY charged SMOKING COMPETITION]
Ryan Reynolds: I’ve really enjoyed our I-hate-you-or-do-I-want-to-bang-you banter, but I have to take this journal to that girl now.
[he READS part of the JOURNAL and it is all about his girlfriend’s LESBIAN EXPLOITS]
Ryan Reynolds: Score!
Rachel Weitz: Did you read this?
Ryan Reynolds: Ummmmm…..
Kevin Kline: Here son, have some scotch. I am in this movie.
[Rachel Weitz KISSES Ryan Reynolds and he is TEMPTED]
Ryan Reynolds: My totally platonic friend Isla Fisher will guide me through my confusion.
[they LISTEN to NIRVANA and she TELLS him some LONG story about her DAD and the book JANE EYRE and then they MAKE OUT]
Ryan Reynolds: Temptation! Temptation everywhere!
Abigail Breslin: What’s the boy word for slut?*
Elizabeth Banks: Here I am, in
Ryan Reynolds: Marry me!
Elizabeth Banks: I slept with your roommate!
Ryan Reynolds: Curses!
Abigail Breslin: That sucks, Dad. Women are a bitch.
[she says some other WISE things that are SIMPLE and TRUE]
Ryan Reynolds: So then I started sleeping with Rachel Weitz. And started working for some senator or something. The political parts of this movie are boring.
[we SEE him DO these things in MONTAGE form]
Ryan Reynolds: Hey, there, pal. Though we have white-hot chemistry, I will ignore my love for you. Come pick out an engagement ring for Rachel Weitz.
Isla Fisher: Damn you, Reynolds!
[he PROPOSES to Rachel Weitz, but then she BETRAYS him PROFESSIONALLY and RUINS his LIFE]
Abigail Brelin: If she’s my mom, I’m killing myself!
[Ryan Reynolds LOSES everything and BECOMES a TRAGIC figure who THROWS noodles at his TV when the CLINTON SCANDAL breaks]
Ryan Reynolds: I believed in you! My idealism is gone forever.
Isla Fisher: Come on, friend. Let’s attend a surprise birthday party for you, though you don’t really have any friends.
[he is a DRUNKEN MESS and tries to MACK on Isla Fisher, but she is NOT HAVING IT]
Ryan Reynolds: Damn you,
[he WALKS past a BOOKSTORE and FINDS the copy of JANE EYRE that Isla Fisher’s FATHER gave her]
Ryan Reynolds: How unlikely!
[he TRIES to GIVE it to HER but is MET by her NIRVANA-esque LIVE-IN boyfriend]
Rachel Weitz: I’m pregnant! And having a party!
[he GOES and Elizabeth Banks is there, BRINGING it
Abigail Breslin: I know who my mom is!
[EVERYONE is HAPPY until we REMEMBER that they are GETTING DIVORCED]
Abigail Breslin: Hey, dad. You’re clearly miserable. I can tell by my childlike wisdom. Let’s get Isla Fisher back!
[he TRIES but she YELLS at him when she REALIZES he had her DAD’S book for like, YEARS]
Ryan Reynolds: It was all I had of you! So symbolic!
Abigail Breslin: Please, strange lady! Get with my dad.
Isla Fisher: Damn you Breslin, and your winsome adorableness! I cannot resist!
[she and Ryan Reynolds MAKE OUT and LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER]