He's Just Not That Into You

[it is BALTIMORE, for some reason]
Little Girl: I like you.
Little Boy: You smell like poop.
Voiceover: This explains why all women like jerks. And are idiots.
[it is a CHICHI restaurant, where DESPERATE people are on DATES]
Big Love Wife #3: Hahahaha pleaselikeme ohmygodpleaselikeme Ineedaboyfriendsobad hahahahaaaa.
Entourage Douche: Uh...later.
Big Love Wife #3: I think he liked me!!
[her friends HEARTILY AGREE, although they KNOW it is a LIE]
Entourage Douche: Please sleep with me.
ScarJo: No. I am too hot for you. This represents the only relationship in this movie where the man is desperate instead of the woman. Observe:
Jennifer Aniston: I am desperate to get married, even though my boyfriend of 7 years is totally awesome and clearly loves me.
Jennifer Connelly: I am desperate for my husband, who you have not met yet, to show he loves me.
Big Love Wife #3: I am desperate. Period.
[meanwhile, at a GROCERY STORE]
Bradley Cooper: As the least famous person in this movie, I am happy to be sharing the screen with ScarJo. At least she's hot.
[they have a CONVERSATION, but he is MARRIED to a MYSTERY CHARACTER, but guys are DICKS, so he still gets her NUMBER]
Big Love Wife #3: I know! I'll go stalk the guy who won't call me back at the bar he said he hangs out at! It's a perfect plan! But first, I'll answer my cell phone without looking at the caller ID, which real people actually do.
[she gets BUSTED by the BARTENDER for her STALKING WAYS]
I'm a Mac: Look: he's not going to call you. I am the voice of the book in this movie. He's not interested. You think you're the exception to the rule, but you're not. You're the rule. Not the exception. GET OVER YOURSELF.
Big Love Wife #3: You are so wise!
[she proceeds to CALL HIM INCESSANTLY for relationship advice, though they are NOT FRIENDS]
Her Friends: He seems nice. Now, let's get back to writing that cinnamon copy, since we ostensibly work at a spice marketing firm or something.
Big Love Wife #3: Wait a minute! It's so obvious! He's into me!! That's why he's giving me advice! Maybe he'll call me on my land line.
[she makes a TOTAL ASS of herself by going to his PARTY and THROWING herself at him]
Big Love Wife #3: Oh. Maybe not. I am an idiot, just like all women.
[meanwhile, at an ALTERNATIVE WEEKLY]
Drew Barrymore: Gays! Come over here! I just got a voicemail from this guy I met.
Voicemail: [something SWEET]
One of the Gays, AKA Ricky Vasquez from My So-Called Life: I got hard.*
Voicemail: [something JERKY]
[all the gays DISSIPATE]
Drew Barrymore: Technology and relationships: whew! So many ways to communicate! So exhausting! Also, apparently we are in a period piece set in 2002, because I am using MySpace.
[meanwhile, at Jennifer Connelly's CONSTRUCTION SITE]
Bradley Cooper: Hi. I am your husband.
Audience: [collective GASP upon learning that they are married]
Jennifer Connelly: Have you been smoking?
Bradley Cooper: No.
[he LEAVES to go have an EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR with the SLUTTY ScarJo and her INSANE RACK]
Jennifer Connelly: Have you been smoking, Javier?
Luis Guzman: No. I am a trustworthy ethnic person. Unlike all you crazy white folks.
[meanwhile, at a WEDDING]
Jennifer Aniston's Sister: La la! I'm getting married, and proving that my sister's life sucks!
Kris Kristofferson: Stop belitting my favorite daughter!
[he has a HEART ATTACK from too much DESPERATION and IDIOCY on the part of WOMEN]
Ben Affleck: I heard your dad had a heart attack. Here, let me do some helpful things to prove that you don't have to get married to prove you're in love.
Jennifer Aniston: Oh. Okay. Maybe I don't need to be married to you.
[he PROPOSES anyway and she ACCEPTS because WOMEN are IDIOTS who only want to get MARRIED even if their BOYFRIENDS don't want to]
I'm a Mac: Hold on...I really AM into that crazy stalker girl. Now I will show her I care!
[he does a bunch of STUPID SHIT and finally SHOWS UP at her DOOR, because people REALLY DO THAT in REAL LIFE]
Big Love Wife #3: But I thought you said I was the rule! And not the exception!
I'm a Mac: You are my exception.*
[everyone BARFS]
Frangela: We are the only legitimately hilarious part of this movie!


Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

"he has a HEART ATTACK from too much DESPERATION and IDIOCY on the part of WOMEN"


I know how he feels.

Also, does anyone ever play a voicemail for people before they themselves have listened to it in its entirety? Actually, I feel like maybe Drew Barrymore would do that. But I would not. Hence the lack of comic potential in my life.

Laura said...

I have so many feelings about this movie. But my primary feeling is rage.

I also sat in a theatre with many extremely vocal women. Lots of gasping, shrieking, awww-ing and a burst of satisfied applause at the end. And I sat next to some dude who was silent in the whole movie but laughed for like, 15 minutes when Sandra Bullock fell in a well in some preview. So I guess the movie's sterotypes weren't completely unfounded.

summerbl4ck said...

thanks so much for this. now i can lie and duck out of seeing it with a friend! can you do bride wars too? ;-)

Kate said...

I saw this movie with 3 of my friends, and we all agreed it was agonizingly bad. Even my friend with (God love her) questionable taste (loves How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days , etc.) didn't like it.

Emily Sue said...

So when Luis Guzman came on screen I was praying he was going to get with Jennifer Connelly. That is the movie I want to see.