2.16.2009

Stand By Me


[it is the 80s]
Richard Dreyfuss: Oh no. This story in the paper says something about my childhood friend. Ah, memories...
[we are TRANSPORTED to the summer of 1959]
Jerry O'Connell: I heard my brother and his friend talking about how he found a dead body! Let's go look for it!
Ensign Wesley Crusher: Okay, but only if we can bring our motley band of friends along.
River Phoenix: I won't amount to anything!
Corey Feldman: I've got a crazy father!
Jerry O'Connell: I'm fat!
Ensign Wesley Crusher: And my awesome brother, John Cusack, just died. Come on, emotionally-compromised friends!
Kiefer Sutherland: Not so fast, babies. I'm going to steal your hat that your dead brother gave you. That way, everyone will see how much of a dick I am.
River Phoenix: Aw, forget him.
[they go to the JUNKYARD and FUCK AROUND until a MEAN DOG chases them away]
Ensign Wesley Crusher: All right, let's go.
[they buy PROVISIONS and walk along the RAILROAD track until they come to a BRIDGE]
Jerry O'Connell: We should go around.
Corey Feldman: Naw, let's go over it!
[they DO, and almost get HIT by a TRAIN, which only makes their bond STRONGER]
Ensign Wesley Crusher: Let's walk across this swamp!
[he gets a LEECH on his PENIS and his FRIENDS have to REMOVE it and it is SCARY]
Ensign Wesley Crusher: Okay, let's make camp here. I'll tell you all a story!
[he tells an AWESOME story about a PIE-EATING contest that ends in MASS VOMITING]
River Phoenix: I bet you'll be a great writer someday. Me, I won't amount to nothin'.
[they SLEEP and the next day FIND the body, but run into the OLDER BOYS]
Kiefer Sutherland: We're going to take credit for finding this body!!
River Phoenix: No, we are! And I've got the gun to prove it!
Corey Feldman: What!? Now even I think you're crazy. And I'm the crazy one!!
Kiefer Sutherland: Whoa, man. Settle down.
[they do NOT shoot anyone]
Richard Dreyfuss: So then we called the cops with an anonymous tip, and went home. Later, River Phoenix became a lawyer. But then he died. Fuck.

1 comment:

Laura said...

This movie really stressed me out as a child. Those kids almost died like, 10 times.