[it is LONDON, and NOT New York]
Voiceover: This movie is about luck. FYI.
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: I would love a job at your chichi tennis club, as I have many tennis skills.
Tom, His Handsome Pupil: What ho! You're a tennis coach, but you like opera? I am astonished. Please to escort me to the opera, no homo.
[they go to the OPERA and Emily Mortimer GAZES at JRM in an extremely OBVIOUS MANNER]
Tom, His Handsome Pupil: You have proven to me through your love of opera and Dostoyevsky that you are worthy to come to our country house. Also, my sister wants to bone you. So there's that, also.
[they go to the SWANK country house and do some CONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION]
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: What's this I hear? Ping-pong sounds emanating from an empty room? I must investigate.
ScarJo: Hello. Are you enjoying my breasts? I certainly am.
[they LOOK at each other MEANINGFULLY for WAY TOO LONG]
ScarJo: Has anyone ever told you you play a very aggressive game?*
JRM: Has anyone ever told you you have sensuous lips?*
Tom, His Handsome Pupil: Oh, I see you've met my fiancee! She's delightful, no?
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: Your fiancee! I must have her.
Shaun of the Dead's Mom: Tut tut tut. These children of ours are dating such dilettantes. First Tom with the starving actress with the killer rack, then our daughter and this - tennis coach! Tut!
Brian Cox, AKA "That Guy Was in X-Men": But you realize that I could groom this young man to be the perfect husband for our daughter! He may be Irish, but we won't let that get in the way.
[they give him a BUSINESS JOB where he does BUSINESS THINGS and wears a BUSINESS SUIT]
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: What exactly does this company do?
Brian Cox: Ho ho ho! My boy, that doesn't matter! Globalization! Finance! BUSINESS!
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: But...I want those boobies.
[he RUNS INTO ScarJo on the STREET, because London is SUPER SMALL]
ScarJo: Hey. I was going to an audition. I'm really nervous. Mostly because I'm shitty at acting.
JRM: Even though we are dating siblings, I will come with you for "moral support." Then we can get a drink.
[she BUSTS him for LUSTING after her INSANE TA-TAS]
JRM: Oh well. I guess I'll just marry Emily Mortimer, since she loves me and her dad gave me a business job.
[they go BACK to the country house and SHOOT some SKEET with SHOTGUNS]
Shaun of the Dead's Mom: Tut tut! This actress is annoying!
Tom, the Handsome Pupil: [literally not raising his voice AT ALL] I'm sorry to raise my voice at you, but please don't speak of my lady that way.
ScarJo: What-EVER! I'm just going to go run across a field in the rain in this white top!
JRM: And I'm going to run after her! In the rain!
[inevitably, they BONE in a FIELD and it is MODERATELY HOT]
ScarJo: Okay, this needs to be done. PEACE.
JRM: Nooooo!!! The most wonderful breasts ever! Gone!!
Emily Mortimer: I want a baby!
JRM: God, stop bothering me. It's like we're married or something.
Emily Mortimer: We ARE married! Pay attention to me! Oh, and by the way, Tom dumped that crazy-ass American.
[SOMBER OPERA MUSIC plays to denote Jonathan Rhys-Meyer's MOOD as he LOOKS intensely at NOTHING]
ScarJo: Sup. I'm back from America. Can we fuck some more?
[they DO, and although there is SHIRT-RIPPING, which is HOT, it is still PRETTY TAME, as the PASSAGE of TIME is shown through SCENERY]
ScarJo's Neighbor: Mousetraps work better with a bit of peanut butter than they do with cheese! I might seem like a hilarious, yet insignificant character now, but just you wait!!
Emily Mortimer: I want a baby! Still! That is my throughline!
ScarJo: I have something to tell you. And, since I am a woman who has been proven to be sexually promiscuous, that thing is obviously that I am pregnant. LEAVE YOUR WIFE!
JRM: I will! God! Stop bothering me, women.
[they have this discussion like FIVE MORE TIMES]
JRM: I'm, uh, in Greece. Yeah. Greece. For...vacation.
ScarJo: TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT US. I AM CLEARLY INSANE.
[she SEES him on the STREET and he is BUSTED for not being in GREECE]
ScarJo: You're a liar! YOU'RE A LIARRRRRR!
[repeat AS NEEDED]
JRM: Wait a minute...there was a gun earlier in this movie! The solution is so obvious!
[he HIDES the gun in his TENNIS BAG, and is ALMOST CAUGHT with it, but is NOT CAUGHT]
JRM: Oh. Hello. I know you. we talked about peanut butter and cheese.
ScarJo's Neighbor: Oh, come on in. Your flimsy excuse to enter my apartment is totally believable.
[he fucking SHOOTS her with the fucking SHOTGUN and makes it look like a ROBBERY and everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK]
The One Black Dude Who Has Ever Been in a Woody Allen Film: Old lady? Are you okay? Are you okay? I'm just going to keep asking. Okay, I guess you're dead.
ScarJo: La, la, la. Oh, hello, black neighbor. I'm just going home.
[JRM fucking SHOOTS her too, destroying the most PERFECT BREASTS since Princess Buttercup's]
Emily Mortimer: Oh god! That poor girl! We knew her! But...back to me. Let's have a baby. BABIES. BABIES BABIES BABIES.
Scottish Detective: Hmm. This case seems like a cut-and-dried drug robbery gone wrong...but perhaps it's not. Oh look...this foxy lass has a diary!
[they QUESTION JRM because he is all up in that DIARY, which is full of STEAMY SECRETS]
JRM: I had an affair, but I didn't kill her! I will just continue to reiterate that fact unconvincingly...until I have convinced you.
Scottish Detective: I'm not convinced.
JRM: I better get rid of all this evidence. Step 1: Put it in my pockets, where anyone could find it. Step 2: Throw it in the Thames.
[he THROWS it all, but the old lady's WEDDING RING bounces off the RAIL in the manner of a TENNIS BALL, thus proving that LUCK IS EVERYTHING]
JRM: Now I am rid of this burden for once and for all.
[JRM gets up in the NIGHT, as he is RACKED with GUILT, even though he has successfully IMPREGNATED Emily Mortimer so she will STFU already]
ScarJo: You killed me! Youuuu killlllllled meeeeee!! Now I am haunting you, but there is no lipgloss in the afterlife, so please excuse my chalky lips!!
ScarJo's Neighbor: Youuuuu killllllled meeeeee tooooooo!! Sppoooookkkyyyyy!!
[the SCOTTISH DETECTIVE sits BOLT UPRIGHT in bed]
Scottish Detective: My dream has solved the case!!
Other Detective: No, it hasn't. We found some junkie with the old lady's wedding ring. He must have done it.
Scottish Detective: Well...but...maybe JRM threw all the evidence away and this junkie found it!
Other Detective: Ha ha! That is wholly preposterous! Let's go have some fish and chips!
Emily Mortimer: More babies!!
[everyone LAUGHS, but only because they are SO FUCKING MISERABLE]