12.18.2008

Lifetime Movies Redux: The Party Never Stops

[it is AMERICA]
Pretty Blonde: College is going to be so much fun! But Mom, I'm going to miss you so much! You're my best friend!
Nancy Travis: That's right, sweetheart! I can't handle your father's death, so our relationship is weirdly close. I'm sure that won't change once you go off to school.
Cute Brunette: Hi. I'm your new roommate. Let's get drunk.
[they DO, in COPIOUS amounts]
Pretty Blonde: Drinking is awesome!!
[she FUCKS some DUDE who never calls her again]
Pretty Blonde: Wait, drinking sucks!
[she gets MORE DRUNK]
Pretty Blonde: Wait, it's cool again!
Cute Brunette: I know, right?!?
[the DUDE calls her BACK and they go on a REAL DATE, but it turns out he has a GIRLFRIEND]
Pretty Blonde: But...I'm so pretty! Why can't I get a man? Let's just get drunk.
Sebastian from She's The Man: Do you want to hang out with me tonight?
Pretty Blonde: Naw! We gettin' drunk!!
[she is SO HUNG OVER she cannot go home for THANKSGIVING]
Nancy Travis: What is wrong with my little girl??
[she calls like A MILLION times]
Cute Brunette: You can't stay on campus alone for Thanksgiving. I'll stay too, and we'll have a sober weekend.
[they get TRASHED, again]
Pretty Blonde: Oh my god! I just woke up in a stranger's room! He called me by the wrong name! Maybe drinking isn't cool after all!
Cute Brunette: But I got us fake IDs!
Pretty Blonde: Oh, never mind. Drinking is awesome. Let's go to a bar and use our feminine wiles to get shots from cute boys.
Nancy Travis: What's with you? Are you drunk right now?
Pretty Blonde: No! Okay, yes.
Nancy Travis: No more drinking!
Pretty Blonde: Okay.
[she goes on SPRING BREAK, where MODERATION is key]
Spring Break Announcer: Tiiiiiiiiime for the WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!
Pretty Blonde: Oh my god, that's so trashy.
Cute Brunette: I know, right? We may be girls gone wild, but we keep our wildness private.*
[ten shots of TEQUILA later]
Pretty Blonde: Woooooooooo!
[she takes off her TOP and there is a CAMERA CREW]
Little Sister: Your boobs are all over the internet! Mom's gonna be so mad!!
Nancy Travis: This is getting out of control. Please stop drinking.
Pretty Blonde: Okay...suckaaaaaa!
[she gets trashed AGAIN and drives someone's CAR into a FIRE HYDRANT]
Pretty Blonde: Oh. Maybe I should stop drinking.
[this time, she DOES, for real]
Sebastian from She's The Man: Finally you have realized that you don't need to get wasted to find yourself.*
[they BONE]
Cute Brunette: Well, you can be sober all you want, but it's graduation, bitch! I'm getting TRASHED on the roof!
(Note: at this point, I actually checked to see how many minutes were left in the movie to see if it was plausible for the cute brunette to die. With 17 minutes left in the movie, I guessed it was about a 95% chance that the brunette would not see the end of the film alive.)
Pretty Blonde: Okay! Have fun! Call me!
[the Cute Brunette DOES NOT die on the ROOF, but DOES go to a FRAT PARTY]
Pretty Blonde: I better check on my friend.
[she goes to the FRAT HOUSE and her friend is there, but is DEAD from BOOZE]
Pretty Blonde: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[they have a CANDLELIGHT VIGIL]
Pretty Blonde: That could have been me. OR YOU. NEVER DRINK, EVER.

4 comments:

Kate said...

Why, oh why, wasn't this movie made before I left for college? It could have taught me so much.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Nice twist, not having her die on the roof! FOOLED ME.

Steph said...

from the picture you posted it looks like this should be more of a lighthearted romp than this condensing leads me to believe.

also good to see nancy travis is still working, even if it is in lifetime movies.

jeremy said...

a little freedom can be a dangerous thing

WTF?