12.17.2008

Lifetime Movies Redux: My Baby is Missing


[it is AMERICA]
Pretty Brunette: Being eight and a half months pregnant is hard! Especially when you're a single mother with a high-powered advertising job. But I can do it! I'm a modern woman!
Her Doctor: Whoa there, your blood pressure's pretty high. I'm going to recommend you take advantage of our visiting nurse service. They'll come to your house, so you don't have to interrupt your busy schedule of being a high-powered advertising executive.
[she makes an APPOINTMENT with the HOME NURSE, but not before getting a SWEET PROMOTION at work]
Pretty Brunette: Sweet! Now I'll paint my baby's room and make a video while I do so!
[she leaves the CAMCORDER on and sets it DOWN, which no one has EVER ACTUALLY DONE, but is CONVENIENT for PLOT PURPOSES]
Visiting Nurse: Hi! I'm the nurse here to take your blood pressure. Do you like my wig? Yes, it's a wig. Anyone that thinks this hair is not a wig is blind. Here, take these "vitamins."
Pretty Brunette: Thanks, visiting nurse! Whoa, I feel weird!
[she has a NIGHTMARE or something and GIVES BIRTH in a TORRENT of BLOOD]
Doctors: Sorry, your baby died.
Pretty Brunette: WHAT?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Long-Haired Man: Hi. I called your work and they said you were on maternity leave, and then I did the math, and I'm pretty sure you were about to have my baby. Thanks for not telling me before you skipped town.
Pretty Brunette: We've been OVER this, but for the benefit of everyone else: I had to move to take the sweet job I was offered! And you had to stay at your job! The baby was a surprise! Okay? And now she's dead. That visiting nurse didn't even help.
Doctor:
Oh, you used the visiting nurse service? We'll look into that.
[they discover that there is NO NURSE by that name]
Lady Detective: I am investigating you for the death of your baby. We suspect...YOU.
Pretty Brunette: But! What about the nurse? She was very suspicious!
[there is LITERALLY NO TRACE that a nurse was ever at her house]
Pretty Brunette: Something crazy is happening! They "accidentally" cremated my baby. What the fuck.
Long-Haired Man: As your dead-baby daddy, I will help you investigate. Look! I used the video you fortuitously accidentally took and got a license plate number from the Ford Taurus in the driveway.
[they TRACK DOWN some INFORMATION and go to a TRAILER PARK]
Pretty Brunette: I heard you recently lost your baby.
Trailer Park Woman: Yeah? What's it to you? I can't even pay my phone bill.
Pretty Brunette: ...and yet she has a nice Ford vehicle. Suspicious!!
[they go to ANOTHER HOUSE and STAKE it OUT]
Pretty Brunette: That's her! That's the nurse! But now she is not wearing the wiggiest wig that ever did wig.
[she STEALS the woman's MAIL and also ATTEMPTS to break in, but the POLICE show up in like ONE SECOND]
Black Detective: What's this I hear about a crazy nurse and a dead baby?
Pretty Brunette: That woman stole my baby! I saw a baby bottle in her house! That proves it!!
[meanwhile, in a BACK ALLEY]
Visiting Nurse Who is Now a Slightly Less-Pretty Brunette Than the Main One: Our plan is being foiled! We need to get this done NOW!
Sketchy Dude: Okay. I'm on it.
Pretty Brunette: I'll use this phone bill I stole to figure some more stuff out.
[one of the NUMBERS is for an ADOPTION AGENCY, which is WAY SUSPICIOUS]
Long-Haired Dude: Let's go check it out. We can pretend to be married. Perhaps that will rekindle our former romance. I mean, it might.
[they go to the AGENCY and the guy who runs it is the SKETCHY DUDE and you're like SHIT because YOU KNOW what's happening but THEY DON'T]
Pretty Brunette: Well, looks like we'll have to break into this adoption agency after hours. I'm getting a weird feeling about this place.
Long-Haired Dude: In the meantime, let's make out in the car.
[they DO]
Pretty Brunette: Look! A paper trail!
[they find, like, A LOT of evidence proving that their baby is ALIVE and being SOLD to the highest BIDDER]
Pretty Brunette: Listen, I figured it all out! I'm not crazy!
Lady Detective: Hmmm...though you have been telling me that for the whole movie, I now choose to believe you.
[the BABY EXCHANGE is about to occur but is THWARTED by the Pretty Brunette's INGENUITY]
Lady Detective: So, it turns out that the Trailer Park Lady had a stillborn baby that they switched with yours. The "vitamins" were sedatives and pitocin. You were right all along. So, here's your baby.
Long-Haired Dude: I quit my job to move here to be with you and our baby!
Pretty Brunette: Ha ha! That is hilarious! Because I just quit MY job! Now we are broke...but together. With our baby.
[they lay on a BLANKET in a PARK]

4 comments:

John A said...

In some alternate universe, David Lynch made this movie and it was THE BEST FILM EVER MADE.

Movie Maven said...

We gotta get there somehow! Maybe Buckaroo Banzai can help us.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

This film is INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE. Also, I agree with John. This actually sounds like it could be amazing.

Also, I love how you "which no one has ever done ever" THOUGH WE HAVE BOTH DONE THAT (re: camcorder).

Movie Maven said...

I should clarify here that she started recording (with the camera in her hand), then the doorbell rang and she just put it down without stopping it. There wasn't, like, a tripod involved. I don't think I've ever done that...though it could have happened while I was in an altered state. She has no excuse, though.

That said, I claim dramatic license on this one.