12.19.2008

Lifetime Movies Redux: Framed for Murder


[it is PHILLY]
Elisa Donovan: I don't remember what happened! My husband was threatening me and my baby while he was on the phone with another woman, so I hit him with a statue. But he was alive when I left him! ALIVE!
[there is a FLASHBACK showing the WHOLE THING in BLURRYVISION]
Cop: Well, he's dead now. So I guess you must have done it. I mean, you ARE bipolar, and people with bipolar disorder are known to be killers.
Her Sister: Don't worry, I'll take care of your baby while you're in prison.
[EIGHT YEARS later]
Elisa Donovan: I'm out! I'm finally out! I'm going to figure out once and for all who really killed my husband! It's a good thing I'm on this medication, or else my bipolar disorder would really make me crazy - literally! Ha ha!
Her Sister: Are you sure you want to do that? I am concerned for you here. You. Oh, and your son is conveniently on a trip to San Francisco right now, so we don't really have to deal with him.
Her Son: [on phone] Hi Mom! I'm glad you're out of jail! Bye!
Her Sister: Welcome to my sumptuous home. Settle in - I've got to go meet someone. You could take a shower if you want.
[Elisa Donovan gets in the SHOWER and her SISTER switches her MEDS with PLACEBOS]
Her Sister: Ha ha ha! My plan is working perfectly!
Blonde Dude: Soon, it will be just you and me, and we'll be rich and together!
[meanwhile, back at the SUMPTUOUS HOME]
The Sister's Husband: God. Why does this murderer have to stay with us? I mean, I know she's your sister, but she killed a dude. And it's my birthday! Whine whine whine.
[they go to his BIRTHDAY PARTY and everyone talks about CRIMINALS and Elisa Donovan SNAPS at everyone because her MEDS got SWITCHED]
Elisa Donovan: I feel so weird. Well, I'm going to talk to my dead husband's secretary to see if she has any information for me.
[she DOES, and the secretary DOES]
Elisa Donovan: Now my prison friend is going to help me hire a private investigator to look into everything!
Prison Friend: She's my friend Victor's cousin. Victor is quite attractive, by the by.
[the P.I. finds out that the HUSBAND had many AFFAIRS, including one with a RICH LADY who had a RED SPORTS CAR]
Her Sister: She's getting too close to the truth! We better kill some people.
Blonde Dude: Okay. But first, I will landscape your yard. That's not a euphemism. I am actually your landscaper.
The Sister's Husband: Oh, how I trust you, landscaper!
[the Blonde Dude STRANGLES the secretary and STABS the P.I.]
Elisa Donovan: Everyone is getting murdered! I must be getting too close to the truth!
[the Blonde Dude SHOOTS the Sister's Husband and puts the GUN in Elisa Donovan's HAND]
Elisa Donovan: I'm being fraaaaaaaaaaamed! But I don't know by whom!
Prison Friend: The P.I. told her cousin, my friend Victor, that she got some good information from a bartender. Let's talk to him.
Bartender: I already done told you - the broad had a red sports car!
Elisa Donovan: A red sports car? My sister had one of those! She must have killed my husband! And her own! Because of her greed! Whyyyyyyy?!?
[she CONFRONTS her sister and BLACKMAILS her]
Her Sister: I was jealous that you got all the attention because of your bipolar disorder, so I ruined your life.
Elisa Donovan: That...makes no sense. Meet me in an abandoned parking garage and give me half of your inheritance from your rich dead husband!
Her Sister: Okay. Psych! We're going to kill you.
Prison Friend: Oh, no you don't!
Victor: We have guns and will shoot you!
[they have a SHOOTOUT but it is SELF-DEFENSE and all the BAD PEOPLE die]
Elisa Donovan: Now I have the sumptuous home!
Victor: And how!
[they GAZE at each other as though they are LOVERS, though it has NEVER been MENTIONED]

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I would love to someday write a movie slash play with a scene of villains discussing their dastardly plan, but in which the scene is actually realistic and not annoyingly exposition-y. Wouldn't that be neat?