12.16.2008

Lifetime Movies Redux: Confessions of a Go-Go Girl

This isn't a poster, rather a screencap of the ad for the movie. TV movies are hard. This was also a particularly strange movie to watch, since I was once in a play called True Confessions of a Go-Go Girl, which is totally a) not the same thing as this movie and b) like a million times better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is CHICAGO, but probably actually TORONTO]
Cute Brunette: Mom, Dad...I'm not going to law school. I want to be an actor. If you'd seen the establishing shot of my bedroom with a very prominent Shakespeare book, you'd know that.
Mom and Dad: Well, WE won't be paying for it! That is not a real school! More cliched sentiments against acting!
Her Boyfriend: I support you. But you still need to get a job in the makeup department of a mall.
[she goes to ACTING SCHOOL and meets a HOT GIRL in a FEDORA]
Hot Blonde: You should let my boyfriend take new headshots of you. I just met you, but we are BFF now. We'll give you a deal.
Cute Brunette: Okay.
[she goes to their APARTMENT and meets the SEXUALLY-CHARGED boyfriend]
Blonde's Boyfriend: Yes. Yes, I know what to do with you. But first...stay for dinner.
[she DOES, and they drink WINE and the Hot Blonde and her boyfriend MAKE OUT at the dinner table]
Blonde's Boyfriend: Oh, I need some money. Can you get me some cash out of your tackle box containing thousands of dollars before you go to work?
Hot Blonde: Sure. My money is so secure in that tackle box! Now, Cute Brunette, come to work with me.
[they go to a GO-GO CLUB and the Cute Brunette is SCANDALIZED]
Corbin Bernsen: I own this club, and I think you're pretty cute. You should get up there. You don't have to strip down to nothing, since it's just go-go! It's easy!
Cute Brunette: Ha ha ha! That is a ludicrous idea!
[she realizes how BROKE she is]
Acting Teacher: This semester, you'll be doing a character study. I want you to eat, sleep, and breathe your character, and then you'll do your audition monologue as that character. I'm not sure how this will help you in your real career, but this is acting school, not reality.
Cute Brunette: Wait a minute! I can use the go-go dancer as my character study! And make money at the same time! I'll do it! All I need for a new look is to push my bangs the other way.
[she goes to the CLUB and dances AWKWARDLY in her STREET CLOTHES, which involve JEANS and BOOTS that she has to take off, yet SOMEHOW the crowd LOVES her anyway]
Hot Blonde: Wow, you're a natural! Come back to the dressing room and meet the girls.
Rachel Hunter: Hi, I'm a longtime go-go dancer who started out supporting myself through school, but then got pregnant and now dance to support my daughter. How can I be this hot at 40? It's a mystery.
[the Cute Brunette becomes a SUPERSTAR at the CLUB and is moved to PRIME TIME]
Hot Blonde: I'm jealous! But it's okay, I still have a boyfriend and a tackle box full of cash.
[the Blonde's Boyfriend STEALS all the CASH and DISAPPEARS]
Hot Blonde: Oh. Never mind. Guess I'll start doing coke again.
Cute Brunette: I could never do coke! Now I am supporting you. Please don't put our rent money up your nose.
Hot Blonde: Whatever! Whatever! I'm gonna do my act HIGH! JUST WATCH!
[the Hot Blonde FLASHES the CROWD and gets a FINE from the Health Department and gets FIRED]
Hot Blonde: Whatevs. I'll get a job at that other club...the one where you can be nude.
[meanwhile, in the DOUBLE LIFE of the Cute Brunette]
Mom and Dad: You don't work at the makeup counter anymore! And your bangs - they're pushed the other way. What's up with you? We are concerned. But not really concerned enough to investigate further.
Douchey Brother: I'm getting married! I went to business school! I'm a douche!
Cute Brunette: You guys are lame. Peace.
[she goes to the JOB INTERVIEW with the Hot Blonde at the NUDE CLUB]
Nude Club Owner: Well, we can always use a dominatrix act, but you'll need bigger boobs than those 34Ds. However, your friend the Cute Brunette can have a job.
Cute Brunette: I'll take it!
[she gets BUSTED by her dad, brother, and boyfriend]
Dad: I'm so disappointed in you...we're just here because of your brother's bachelor party. You're my daughter. Those are just strippers.*
Cute Brunette: Every girl here is someone's daughter.*
Acting Teacher: Okay, let's try your monologues again.
Cute Brunette: [performs a HELENA monologue and it is TERRIBLE]
Acting Teacher: You're kicked out!
Cute Brunette: What?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Hot Blonde: My life is falling apart! I need those boobs!
[they go to the Douchey Brother's fiancee's BRIDAL SHOWER]
Mom: I'm giving these heirloom diamond earrings to your brother's fiancee.
Cute Brunette: But I wanted those!
Hot Blonde: I'll get them for you...and then pawn them to pay for my unnecessary boob job.
[she DOES, and then she DIES on the operating table because of COCAINE]
Cute Brunette: What has my life become??
[she watches her AUDITION TAPE for ACTING SCHOOL and sees that ONCE, she was a TERRIBLE ACTRESS who was NOT a stripper]
Cute Brunette: Oh, how fondly I remember those days...the days when I wasn't a stripper...and was completely inept at interpreting Shakespeare. Well, at least some things never change. I'm still a terrible actress. Wait! That gives me an idea! I won't act at all!
[she CONVINCES her acting teacher to let her do a SELF-WRITTEN monologue, also known as CAREER SUICIDE, but she WOWS EVERYONE, including her BOYFRIEND, who is THERE because he is SUPPORTIVE]
Her Boyfriend: I brought you some flowers. Sorry you spiraled into a world of cocaine, strippers and death. Let's go home and think about what is sure to be a lucrative acting career for you.

4 comments:

Laura said...

This sounds amazing. I wonder if it's on Netflix?

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Getting busted as a stripper by your dad and brother? Worst. Thing. Ever.

I mean, I'm assuming.

Gross.

Cherry said...

This movie is best watched with the sound turned off...But besides that use this movie is a trap to get men to watch the lifetime channel, and feel bad for being born men and feed them propaganda.

Erin said...

I loved it. It was like a friggin' biography of my life! Good music too.