12.15.2008

Lifetime Movies Redux: Co-Ed Call Girl


[it is CALIFORNIA]
Tori Spelling: Sigh. Being in college AND having a job is so hard! I wish I hadn't been raised by a single mother who owns a bakery or something that I have to work at.
Roommate:
You're never around! You don't have any friends! You just hang out with my friends! But we would like you if you weren't so lame!
Tori Spelling: But! I have to study! I'm going to be a doctor! Can't you tell I am smart by my glasses?
One of Her Roommate's Friends: Well, I'm going to call this escort service that is hiring and leave YOUR name and phone number as a hilarious prank! Even though you are sitting right here. And it's not really a prank.
Seven of Nine: Hi. Is this the girl who called before? You sounded sexy.
Tori Spelling: Uh...that was a joke. My friends did it.
Seven of Nine: Well, you still sound sexxxxayyyy. Come over for a party!
Tori Spelling: Well...I AM really easily persuaded, and I do enjoy situations in which I feel uncomfortable and awkward. I'll go.
[she GOES and the house is GLAMOROUS and the boss is VERY TAKEN with her]
Seven of Nine: You should work with us. It's so fabulous!
The Boss: You don't have to sleep with the guys if you don't want to.
Tori Spelling: But...my morals!! Oh well, I like money.
[she goes on "DATES" with "CLIENTS" and does not sleep with them]
Tori Spelling: Having money is awesome!
The Brother from Seventh Heaven: Hey, bakery girl, you are cute. Let's go on a date!
Tori Spelling: Wow, now I have money AND a boyfriend! Sweet!
[she LEADS a DOUBLE LIFE and is TIRED all the time]
One Client: I paid $500 for you! You better put out!
Tori Spelling: Well, then you'll get a refund!*
The Boss: Sleep with him! I SAID SLEEP WITH HIM!
[she WEEPS as the client CARESSES her BODY]
Her Mom: You seem different.
Tori Spelling: I'm not! I'm not!!!
[she goes to an ORCHESTRA HALL to SERVICE a CONDUCTOR]
The Maestro: They wouldn't know Mahler from Metallica!* Now, go over there and dance while I play a Chopin prelude that is essentially undanceable.
Tori Spelling: What am I doing? Oh, my life is spiraling out of control!
Seventh Heaven: I'm going to law school in New York! But if you want me to stay, I'll stay. There are lots of good law schools in Southern California.*
Tori Spelling: Just - stay away! STAY AWAYYYYY!
[she goes to her BOSS, who is actually her PIMP, and tries to QUIT but he threatens her MOM]
Tori Spelling: Don't hurt my mom! I'll do whatever you want!
[she continues WHORING]
Tori Spelling: Okay, for real, I am quitting.
Pimp: You can only quit if I can fuck you...at gunpoint.
Tori Spelling: No! Wait, I mean...sure...suuuuuuuuuure.
[she DISTRACTS him and takes the GUN and fucking SHOOTS him]
Tori Spelling: Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[she gets ARRESTED for ATTEMPTED MURDER because dude is STILL ALIVE]
Tori Spelling: I wasn't there!
Her Lawyer: DON'T LIE TO ME.
Tori Spelling: Okay, I totes was. I just didn't want to disappoint my mom!!
[she pleads NOT GUILTY by reason of SELF-DEFENSE and though they have literally NO REASON to acquit her, the jury DOES]
Seventh Heaven: I'll still be your boyfriend.

*hahahahaha

3 comments:

schmidt's confectionery said...

my life is now complete

Lauren Oostveen said...

Hahaha... whaaaaaat?! This cannot be real, it is truly too delicious. I must watch.

jeremy said...

WOW