Lifetime Movies Redux: Co-Ed Call Girl

Tori Spelling: Sigh. Being in college AND having a job is so hard! I wish I hadn't been raised by a single mother who owns a bakery or something that I have to work at.
You're never around! You don't have any friends! You just hang out with my friends! But we would like you if you weren't so lame!
Tori Spelling: But! I have to study! I'm going to be a doctor! Can't you tell I am smart by my glasses?
One of Her Roommate's Friends: Well, I'm going to call this escort service that is hiring and leave YOUR name and phone number as a hilarious prank! Even though you are sitting right here. And it's not really a prank.
Seven of Nine: Hi. Is this the girl who called before? You sounded sexy.
Tori Spelling: Uh...that was a joke. My friends did it.
Seven of Nine: Well, you still sound sexxxxayyyy. Come over for a party!
Tori Spelling: Well...I AM really easily persuaded, and I do enjoy situations in which I feel uncomfortable and awkward. I'll go.
[she GOES and the house is GLAMOROUS and the boss is VERY TAKEN with her]
Seven of Nine: You should work with us. It's so fabulous!
The Boss: You don't have to sleep with the guys if you don't want to.
Tori Spelling: But...my morals!! Oh well, I like money.
[she goes on "DATES" with "CLIENTS" and does not sleep with them]
Tori Spelling: Having money is awesome!
The Brother from Seventh Heaven: Hey, bakery girl, you are cute. Let's go on a date!
Tori Spelling: Wow, now I have money AND a boyfriend! Sweet!
[she LEADS a DOUBLE LIFE and is TIRED all the time]
One Client: I paid $500 for you! You better put out!
Tori Spelling: Well, then you'll get a refund!*
The Boss: Sleep with him! I SAID SLEEP WITH HIM!
[she WEEPS as the client CARESSES her BODY]
Her Mom: You seem different.
Tori Spelling: I'm not! I'm not!!!
The Maestro: They wouldn't know Mahler from Metallica!* Now, go over there and dance while I play a Chopin prelude that is essentially undanceable.
Tori Spelling: What am I doing? Oh, my life is spiraling out of control!
Seventh Heaven: I'm going to law school in New York! But if you want me to stay, I'll stay. There are lots of good law schools in Southern California.*
Tori Spelling: Just - stay away! STAY AWAYYYYY!
[she goes to her BOSS, who is actually her PIMP, and tries to QUIT but he threatens her MOM]
Tori Spelling: Don't hurt my mom! I'll do whatever you want!
[she continues WHORING]
Tori Spelling: Okay, for real, I am quitting.
Pimp: You can only quit if I can fuck you...at gunpoint.
Tori Spelling: No! Wait, I mean...sure...suuuuuuuuuure.
[she DISTRACTS him and takes the GUN and fucking SHOOTS him]
Tori Spelling: Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[she gets ARRESTED for ATTEMPTED MURDER because dude is STILL ALIVE]
Tori Spelling: I wasn't there!
Her Lawyer: DON'T LIE TO ME.
Tori Spelling: Okay, I totes was. I just didn't want to disappoint my mom!!
[she pleads NOT GUILTY by reason of SELF-DEFENSE and though they have literally NO REASON to acquit her, the jury DOES]
Seventh Heaven: I'll still be your boyfriend.



schmidt's confectionery said...

my life is now complete

Lauren Oostveen said...

Hahaha... whaaaaaat?! This cannot be real, it is truly too delicious. I must watch.

jeremy said...