11.26.2008

Harrison Ford Week: Firewall


[it is SEATTLE]
Harrison Ford: Oh, family. You're so important to me. But I have to go to work at a large bank now!
Virginia Madsen: Remember when we got married and I was 20 years younger than you? I'm hot. Don't forget to say goodbye to the dog!
Rusty the Dog: Woof! Woof woof woof woof!
[he goes to WORK and talks about a MERGER]
T-1000: My only purpose in this movie is to be suspicious of you. So: I am suspicious of you.
Alan Arkin: I am in this movie.
Minor Character: Please? PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME? I know I have asked like ten times.
Marylynn Rajskub: No, minor character! I won't go out with you! But it's nice to know that you are really, really devoted to me.
A Debt Collector: You owe us $95,000, buddy! You've been gambling online!
Harrison Ford: But - I don't gamble! How could someone steal my personal information? I am the head of security for this bank! This is bizarre.
His Friend Harry: I'll take care of it - must be a computer glitch. Also, why don't you come to this meeting with a legitimate businessman after work with me?
Harrison Ford: Well, we'll have to make it quick - it's pizza night! And I'm a family man!
[they MEET the GUY and at the same time, his FAMILY is being TAKEN HOSTAGE]
Paul Bettany: I have a business deal for you. A completely legitimate business deal.
Harrison Ford: Sounds good. We'll speak more later - after pizza night! Ho ho!
[Harrison Ford gets in his CAR and Paul Bettany APPEARS in his backseat with a GUN]
Paul Bettany: Drive home. All that stuff I said about being legitimate? That was a lie.
[they go to his HOUSE, where the BAD GUYS have set up many VIDEO CAMERAS and have WEAPONS]
Paul Bettany: Okay, this is very simple. You're going to steal $100 million dollars from us by skimming $10,000 off the top of the account of your 10,000 richest customers. If you do that, we won't kill your family.
[he makes some PANCAKES for the SON that are NOT made with PEANUT OIL because the boy is ALLERGIC]
Paul Bettany: Oh yeah...we know ALL about you, including allergies. Now, wear this audio equipment and this video pen so we know what you're doing at work.
Harrison Ford: I will...but I won't like it.
[he goes to WORK and AWKWARDLY HUGS his ASSISTANT to TRANSFER the pen to HER POCKET, but the bad guys FIGURE it OUT]
Paul Bettany: Oh, hi! It's me, the legitimate businessman you met with yesterday. Might I have a tour of all your security systems?
[Harrison Ford has NO CHOICE and must SHOW HIM AROUND, and then they GO HOME, where his family is STILL HOSTAGE]
Harrison Ford: I don't know what you want me to do!! We have security measures in place to prevent people from doing what you want me to.
Virginia Madsen: Just do what you can to save the children!! THE CHILDREN!!
[they TRY to ESCAPE in the NIGHT, but they FAIL because they BAD GUYS are TOO GOOD]
Paul Bettany: Remember how I am aware of your son's peanut allergy? That comes into play here.
[he gives the kid a COOKIE and he has a REACTION but there is NO EPIPEN]
Harrison Ford: Fine! Fine! I'll figure out a way to do what you want! Just give my kid the EpiPen!
Paul Bettany: Let this be a lesson to you.
Harrison Ford: You have proven that you are serious.
[he uses an iPOD to DOWNLOAD something to help him do the STEALING]
Paul Bettany: Fire your assistant! She is as suspicious of you as that T-1000!
Harrison Ford: You're fired!
Marylynn Rajskub: Whaaaaaa?
[Harrison Ford makes the WIRE TRANSFER, but also takes a PICTURE of the ACCOUNT information on the MINOR CHARACTER'S cell phone]
Paul Bettany: Okay, now cover your tracks! You're a security expert! This should be easy for you!
Harrison Ford: Fine! I did what you want! I'm going home!!
[his FAMILY is TOTALLY GONE, even the DOG]
Henchman: Oh, hey - you should, uh, come with me...I'm not going to kill you. At all.
Harrison Ford: Oh, please.
[he BEATS the guy to DEATH with the PITCHER of a BLENDER and it is KIND OF AWESOME]
Harrison Ford: Now I've got this henchman's cell phone - what do I do? I guess I'll call Harry.
[he DOES, but Harry is NOT HOME, so he LITERALLY climbs on the side of a BUILDING to BREAK INTO Harry's apartment, where he HIDES in a closet when HARRY comes home with the BAD GUY]
Harry: Thanks for offering us this legitimate business plan, man.
Paul Bettany: No problem!
[he SHOOTS Harry and it is TERRIBLE]
Harrison Ford: Shit! I have no one to turn to!
[he goes to his FIRED ASSISTANT'S house, where he BREAKS DOWN the door for NO REAL REASON]
Harrison Ford: You're all I have left! You have to help me! Let me borrow your beater car! Also we have to find that minor character, the one whose cell phone I used to take pictures of the account information before! It's a good thing he is really, really devoted to you!
[they go to a ROCK AND ROLL CHURCH, where the minor character plays in the BAND, and get the PHONE]
Harrison Ford: Now to find a bank that's open!
[they go to the AIRPORT and he does a WIRE TRANSFER to TAKE the money from the BAD GUYS until he gets his FAMILY back]
Harrison Ford: I heard the dog barking in the background! He must be with them! And he has a GPS collar!
[they use TECHNOLOGY to find the DOG and CHASE them to a REMOTE LOCATION]
Marylynn Rajskub: I'll wait here for the police while you go have your contractually-obligated Final Showdown with a Bad Guy.
[Harrison Ford RUNS OVER a henchman, EXPLODING some sort of GAS TANK, then LITERALLY CLIMBS the side of YET ANOTHER BUILDING to save his FAMILY]
Paul Bettany: Let's do this.
[they FIGHT, and it ENDS with Harrison Ford KILLING him with a FUCKING PICKAXE]
Harrison Ford: That's what happens to people who mess with my family.
Rusty the Dog: Woof!!
Everyone: Ha ha ha!

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

This movie sounds crazy intense! And all very high tech!

michael d said...

All things considered, this had a halfway decent suspense/action movie script. The problem is that as awesome as Harrison Ford was and is, the suspension of disbelief is getting tougher that a dude that old would be able to do that stuff. Okay, I can buy old Indy pulling stuff off because, hello, Indiana Jones. But this was just a normal dude. I'm pretty good at suspension of disbelief, but there is a line.