Harrison Ford Week: Clear and Present Danger
[it is a BOAT]
Rich Family: La, la, la! Being rich and on this boat is awesome!
Drug Dudes: You mean was awesome...
[they MURDER everyone in a BLOODBATH]
The President: That murdered guy was my friend!
Everyone: But he was involved with a Colombian drug cartel.
The President: Well, let's take care of that cartel, eh?
[meanwhile, at the CIA]
James Earl Jones: I'm dying. You need to take over my job.
Harrison Ford: But I'm just a regular guy who sometimes unwittingly finds himself in crazy international conflicts! I can't do your job!
[he ACCEPTS anyway and tells Congress that there will be NO TROOPS used in the War on Drugs]
The Guy Who Always Plays a Bureaucratic Dick: Dammit! That Boy Scout Jack Ryan is now in charge! We need troops! Or Black Ops! Assemble a team! But don't tell anyone.
Willem Dafoe: Okay.
[he TESTS some SOLDIERS on a SNIPER RANGE that is littered with CHEESEBURGER WRAPPERS and finds the BEST ONES]
Benjamin Bratt: I am in this movie.
[meanwhile, in COLOMBIA]
Head Drug Guy: Find out why all my assets are frozen! My cover of a legitimate coffee business is not working! And some American soldiers fucked up one of my drug plants! This is terrible!
The Latin Jack Ryan: I will seduce an underling at the FBI and get the information for you. (aside) And then I will undermine you, kill you, and take over the drug gang.
Head Drug Guy: What was that?
The Latin Jack Ryan: Oh, nothing.
[he goes on a DATE with the FBI Director's SECRETARY, who is Harrison Ford's Wife's FRIEND]
The Latin Jack Ryan: The director of the FBI knows all about your drug business. We better kill him.
Harrison Ford: I better go see what's happening in Colombia.
[he UNWITTINGLY stumbles into the MIDDLE of the SITUATION, as is his WONT]
Bad CIA Guy Who is the Bureaucratic Dick's Boss: They killed the director! Kill the drug lords! Kill ALL the drug lords! Use a missile!
[they fucking BOMB the SHIT out of the Big Drug Lord Meeting and pretend it was a CAR BOMB]
Head Drug Guy: We're late to the meeti--oh. Everyone is exploded.
Harrison Ford: This bombing looks like a missile, not a car bomb. This is suspicious.
The Latin Jack Ryan: This bombing looks like the work of the Americans. This is suspicious.
[they both RESEARCH INTENSELY and discover the SAME THING - that there are AMERICAN TROOPS in COLOMBIA]
The Latin Jack Ryan: I will tell everyone that you bombed the Big Drug Lord Meeting unless you cut off all support to your troops down here and let me kill them.
Bad CIA Boss Guy: Okay.
Harrison Ford: Who in the government would do such a thing? That one guy is kind of a dick. I bet it was him.
Fish from Ally McBeal: I can hack into his computer for you! Here's the password! But don't log in until he's logged out.
Harrison Ford: ...too late!
Bureaucratic Dick: I will delete each file as soon as you open it, you fucking Boy Scout!
[they have a COMPUTER CHASE, which is just about as exciting as it SOUNDS, and Harrison Ford discovers that the TROOPS are going to be LEFT FOR DEAD]
James Earl Jones: I am dead.
[there is a FUNERAL that is INTERCUT with the TROOPS getting KILLED by the DRUG DEALERS]
Harrison Ford: Okay, back to figuring out this stuff. I'm going to go to Colombia and rescue the deserted soldiers!
Bureaucratic Dick: Listen, this guy who's coming down to find you? He's the one who cut off your funding. As soon as he's dead, we'll bring you home.
Willem Dafoe: Really? Okay.
Harrison Ford: No, they are liars. I am here to help you. Look, to prove it, I will buy a helicopter.
[they FLY AROUND and FIND one of the SOLDIERS, who tells them that TWO GUYS have been CAPTURED]
Willem Dafoe: How are we going to get in? We can't just walk up to his front door.*
Harrison Ford: Oh really?
[he LITERALLY walks up to the guy's FRONT DOOR]
Harrison Ford: Your right-hand man was planning to kill you. Here is evidence.
The Latin Jack Ryan: Oh, no, you don't!
[some people get SHOT and the only two left STANDING are Harrison Ford and The Latin Jack Ryan]
Harrison Ford: Looks like it's time for my contractually-obligated Final Showdown with One Guy.
[they FIGHT and it is COOL and obviously Harrison Ford WINS because he is AWESOME]
Willem Dafoe: Jump on to this helicopter!
[Harrison Ford DOES, and they GAZE LOVINGLY at each other for a WEIRDLY LONG time]
The President: Hey, thanks for covering up all those shenanigans. Let's just let your dead friend take all the blame and keep this between us.
Jack Ryan: I have too many ethics to dishonor the memory of those soldiers.
The President: Come onnnnnn, dude. It's the old Potomac Two-Step.*
Harrison Ford: Sorry, Mr. President....I don't dance.*
[he TESTIFIES, even though it will make him LOOK BAD, because he has MORALS]