11.27.2008

Harrison Ford Week: Air Force One


[it is RUSSIA]
Harrison Ford: And so I, the President of the United States, stand before you, giving a speech that my advisors will be really, really pissed about, because I totally just changed our terrorism policy without consulting them. However, my new plan is very ethical and upstanding, because that is how I roll.
[he goes to the AIRPORT and many people BOARD the PLANE]
Deputy Press Secretary: Oh, hey there, Russian news team! Come on board with us and learn about the President!
Gary Oldman: Da. We will do just that. If by "learn about," you mean "take hostage."
Harrison Ford: Put the Notre Dame game on! I just want to relax and enjoy my flight.
First Lady: Yes, indeed!
First Daughter: Dad, you're so awesome, and so devoted to us, your family.
William H. Macy: It sure is great being in the Army and riding on Air Force One!
[many PLANE PREPARATIONS are shown, and they TAKE OFF]
Evil Secret Service Agent: Oh, hey guys, I was just coming in here to - KILL YOU!!
[he SHOOTS three other Secret Service agents and deploys a SMOKE BOMB]
Russian News Team: Get the guns! And take everyone hostage!
[there is a HUGE SHOOTOUT and some people get KILLED]
Good Secret Service Agents: Mr. President, we must protect you! Get into this specially-designed escape pod!
Harrison Ford: But...my family! I can't leave them! I'm too ethical!
[they SHOVE him into the POD anyway and some more SHOOTING happens]
The Pilots: Shit! Lock the cockpit door!
[the TERRORISTS blow up the DOOR with plastic EXPLOSIVES, which seems SURPRISINGLY EASY]
Gary Oldman: Do not land this plane!
Pilots: No! We don't listen to terrorists!
[they TRY to land ANYWAY and get SHOT]
Gary Oldman: Fine, we'll fly it.
[meanwhile, in WASHINGTON]
Glenn Close: As the Vice President, I'm now in charge.
Dean Stockwell: But I'm the Secretary of Defense! I think I'm in charge!
Glenn Close: Um, I don't think we really have time to debate this right now? Because Air Force One has been hijacked? So just, like, settle down for a second. Okay, terrorists, what were you saying?
Gary Oldman: I was saying that we will execute one hostage every half hour until the General you just captured is released.
Glenn Close: You don't really expect us to be able to to do that, do you? Also, we don't even know if the President is still alive.
Gary Oldman: Fine.
[he SHOOTS the national security advisor to PROVE he is SERIOUS]
Glenn Close: Well, okay then.
Some Random: They found the escape pod...it's empty.
[meanwhile, on the LUGGAGE DECK of the PLANE]
Harrison Ford: Suckaaaaas!! I'm still on the plane!
[he SHOOTS a terrorist to show how BADASS he is]
Harrison Ford: Now to get in touch with Washington.
[he finds a SATELLITE PHONE, but needs to CONSULT the MANUAL]
Harrison Ford: Shit...I don't know the number.
[he CALLS the SWITCHBOARD, which is HILARIOUS]
Another Terrorist: I wonder where Ivan went...it's sure taking him a while in the basement.
[he goes DOWNSTAIRS and finds Harrison Ford on the PHONE]
Harrison Ford: I'll just drop the phone in my pocket and tell them what to do. I MEAN, WHAT COULD THE AIR FORCE POSSIBLY DO? FIRE A MISSILE AT US? THERE ARE COUNTERMEASURES IN PLACE. IT WOULD NOT HURT US, JUST KNOCK US AROUND. DO YOU HEAR ME???
Terrorist: You are a crazy man.
Glenn Close: Ohhhhh! He wants us to shoot at the plane.
[they send up FIGHTERS and SHOOT at the PLANE, which basically just CAUSES TURBULENCE]
Harrison Ford: Now I will kill you!
[he SMASHES the terrorist into a FRIDGE]
Harrison Ford: Don't release the General. We do not negotiate with terrorists.
Glenn Close: But you've been taken hostage!
Harrison Ford: If you give a mouse a cookie...*
Glenn Close: ...he's going to want a glass of milk.* Good use of children's literature to prove a point, sir. This is why you are the President.
Harrison Ford: Speaking of milk...that leaking milk carton has given me an idea.
[she gets a PLANE EXPERT to help with the PLAN, but does NOT release the GENERAL]
Some Plane Guy: Okay, so you're going to want to cross the green wire with the ajfskodfharulebrwr---[static]
Harrison Ford: Shit. Now I don't know which wires to cut. I will choose based on the colors of the American flag, because I love America.
[he DOES, and it WORKS, because AMERICA RULES]
Gary Oldman: We are losing fuel! I will shoot this Deputy Press Secretary unless you show yourself, Secret Service agent on the luggage deck! Also, send a refueling plane, because we are losing fuel.
[Harrison Ford stays HIDDEN because it would be STUPID not to]
William H. Macy: That was a good decision. No, really...it made sense.
[Harrison Ford KILLS some more TERRORISTS, basically with his BARE HANDS, and finds the HOSTAGES]
Harrison Ford: WHERE'S MY FAMILY? I am contractually required to say that gruffly in every film.
William H. Macy: They're up in the cockpit with the terrorist leader. But I have an idea to get some of the hostages off the plane.
[they use a FAX MACHINE operated by a SASSY BLACK LADY to tell the GROUND PEOPLE that they need to DROP their ALTITUDE and a bunch of the hostages PARACHUTE out of the plane]
Harrison Ford: Phew, it worked!
Gary Oldman: No, it didn't. For now I have captured you. And if you do not release the General, I will shoot you.
Harrison Ford: Fine. Go ahead.
Gary Oldman: Uh...I mean...I will shoot your daughter!!
Harrison Ford: That is NOT okay. Fine, release the General.
Glenn Close: Wait, really?
Dean Stockwell: I told you I should be in charge!
[he starts UNDERMINING Glenn Close's AUTHORITY through BUREAUCRATIC NONSENSE]
Harrison Ford: Come on, they're distracted!
[they TRY to run away but HELLO they're on a PLANE and the First Lady gets RE-CAPTURED]
Gary Oldman: Now I will parachute away, and take your wife with me!
[they have a BATTLE by the OPEN DOOR of the PLANE, which Harrison Ford OBVIOUSLY wins]
Harrison Ford: Get off my plane.*
[he SHOVES him out the DOOR and it is SWEET]
First Lady: Hooray! We won! But wait...there is like half an hour left in the movie. What other obstacles must we overcome?
Evil Secret Service Agent: [looks MEANINGFULLY at EVERYONE]
Glenn Close: Now there are MiGs on your tail.
[they have an AIR BATTLE and Air Force One is BADLY DAMAGED and CAN'T LAND]
William H. Macy: Here's a wacky idea: how about a midair rescue?
[another plane COMES and they hook a ZIPLINE between the PLANES and it is CRAZY but it WORKS]
Zipline Rider Guy: We're losing altitude! We only have time for one more rescue! Will it be the President, the Evil Secret Service Agent, or William H. Macy?
Evil Secret Service Agent: I can answer that for you.
[he SHOOTS him]
William H. MAcy: Wait, what? You're a BAD GUY??
[he SHOOTS him too]
Harrison Ford: Oh, no, you don't!
[they FIGHT and the winner is ONCE AGAIN Harrison Ford because he is AWESOME at FIGHTING and DIPLOMACY]
Evil Secret Service Agent: Noooooooo!
[he CRASHES with Air Force One into the OCEAN in BAD* CGI]
Harrison Ford: Now, to ride home in style...at the end of a zipline.


*not really "bad" as much as just "from 1997"

3 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

This is an A+++ UCMR!

And also HOW BIG IS THIS MOTHEREFFING PLANE?

Laura said...

Harrison Ford: Shit. Now I don't know which wires to cut. I will choose based on the colors of the American flag, because I love America.
[he DOES, and it WORKS, because AMERICA RULES]

Brill. And so true. U.S.A! U.S.A!

Lauren Oostveen said...

I. Love. This. Movie.

No shame.