11.24.2008

Harrison Ford Week: Patriot Games


[it is LONDON]
Harrison Ford: La, la, la...vacationing with my adorable family is so nice.
Anne Archer and Thora Birch: Ha ha! We love being your family!
[some EXPLOSIONS happen and Harrison Ford LEAPS to the RESCUE, even though he is JUST an ANALYST]
Sean Bean: YOU KILLED MAH BRUTHERRR!!! YOU WILL PAY!!
Bobbies: Come on now, you're arrested.
[meanwhile, back in the GOOD OLD US of A]
James Earl Jones: Nice job, professor. Want to come back to the CIA?
Harrison Ford: No thanks!
Samuel L. Jackson: Here's a medal, friend. Okay, that is my whole part in the movie. Bye.
Crazy IRA Dude: The IRA is not responsible for this outrage!!
[meanwhile, in LONDON]
Bearded Terrorist from the IRA: Good job almost killing that politician. Now I'm going to go bang this hot chick.
Hot Chick from the Splinter Group that is Not the IRA: Let me just get something out of my bag.
Bearded Terrorist: Yer not gonna make me wear a rubber, are ya? The church says that's a sin, darlin'.*
Hot Chick: So is this. Darlin'.*
[she fucking SHOOTS him and it is kind of BADASS even though she is a BAD GUY]
Hot Chick: Okay, now tell us when Sean Bean's transport will be driving by.
Rare Bookseller: I will! I want to be big and important, though I am but a purveyor of rare books!
[he gets the INFORMATION and they BLOW UP the TRANSPORT so Sean Bean is FREE]
Sean Bean: Now...to America.
[meanwhile, at Harrison Ford's HOUSE]
Harrison Ford: They'll never try to follow us here, honey. We're perfectly safe.
[a dude in a SWEATSUIT tries to KILL him and some OTHER DUDES try to DRIVE his WIFE off the ROAD in her PORSCHE]
Harrison Ford: Okay...I was wrong. And I will now accept that job in the CIA. Now, if we could just figure out who these people are, since they aren't IRA.
[he has a WEIRD MEMORY of the Hot Chick's HAIR when he ACCIDENTALLY goes in the WOMEN'S ROOM]
Harrison Ford: Find this woman, and we find them all.
Crazy IRA Dude: Here is who I think is responsible. I cannot sell out my countrymen.
Harrison Ford: Ha ha! She is English. And a woman. That is why he could sell her out. Lucky us!
[they FIND the CAMP in North Africa and spend like A MILLION YEARS trying to DETERMINE if it is the RIGHT CAMP]
Rare Bookseller: I want a gun! I can be important! Wah wah wah!
Sean Bean: [shoots him]
[the ARMY invades the CAMP and they WATCH on INFRARED or HEAT-SENSING CAMERAS or something]
Harrison Ford: Phew! Finally we are safe!
[they have a DINNER PARTY with the POLITICIAN DUDE and all the LIGHTS go out but it is not a POWER OUTAGE because the STREETLIGHTS still have POWER]
Harrison Ford: Oh HELL no. You do NOT attack my family in our OWN HOUSE.
[they RUN AROUND in the DARK for a LONG TIME and the POLITICIAN gets KILLED]
Sean Bean: MAH BRUTHER'S DAYTH IS ON YER HANDS!!
[he KILLS his own TEAM and CHASES Harrison Ford in a BOAT and they BATTLE until Sean Bean FALLS on something POINTY and DIES]
Harrison Ford: Phew.
Anne Archer: I'm pregnant.
Harrison Ford: Is it a boy or a girl?
Thora Birch: We want to know!
[Anne Archer SMILES]

1 comment:

Laura McClain said...

This is my little brother's favorite movie, and as a result I have seen it 9,000 times. It's actually kind of badass. So Irrrrrish!